Moonlight on the Beach

Day 259 – we went this evening to the beach. The evening was just a little chilly, a long sleeves shirt did the trick, and it was so very beautiful; I have to do it more often. It is by far one of the best features of my city and the fact that I don’t spend more time on the beach is just sad. We had a very long and painful conversation about how life looks when you feel so unsafe and unsure of what the next moment will bring with it. About how it feels to be involved and to be committed. How it feels to live in a body you are not sure you can trust, that can betray you at any moment, and I talked about how it feels to be the parent of such a child. I have to be there and watch as my child go through all that ordeal for the second time, and be totally helpless. To know that if I could I would give my life for her, but to be reduced to stand on the sideline and watch her fight, to pray she won’t give up, and to know there is nothing I can do to take away at least some of her burden, is the most difficult thing in the world for me. I told her I would much prefer all this would happen to me than to watch her going through this. But there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, and this realization is difficult. All I can do is try to give her an unwelcome advice and to try to be there for her. Really not much. But this is what we have right now, life that is less than perfect and scary, but this is the life she got and she will have to learn how to manage it. But today, being still so close to the event, she can’t even imagine that yet.

I am thankful for family and friends who keep checking on us and express their love and concern. I am thankful that even though she ate something that didn’t agree with her today, she managed to stay out of trouble, just got one more scary moment. I am thankful for our friendship, forged in fires, that enable us to reach so deep into the center of pain and bring up these issues, and deal with them.