Cease fire

Day 892 - so the compromise is that he will not live with us any more and we will try to repair our relationship and see how it works when we are not living under the same roof. It will be challenging for sure, but I believe it is the best solution under the circumstances. I am taking responsibility for my share, for taking things for granted, for not setting expectations and I am sure that it could have worked better had I done that. I do not take responsibility for his behavior, for his lack of efforts, for stubbornness of a two years old and not an adult. Regardless the end results were the same - everyone got hurt and everyone feels wronged. It is the easiest thing to look back and say "I wish things were different" but they are not and this is the reality we are facing. In a way I think it is a good thing. It gives me some needed space, it forces both of us to make an extra effort and not take anything for granted; it makes our time together more meaningful and our time apart more meaningful and it enables me to spend time with my daughter, just the two of us; to remove the walls that grew between us in the past few months. So he is looking for a place to rent, and will move in the next two or three weeks the most. And this house will be way too big just for us girls, so for sure I will not keep it for the second year. I was very sad before since I really love him and it looked like we came to a point of no return. But when you care enough about someone you'll find a way to try to make it work; or at least to give it more of a try.
 
I am thankful we managed to come back from the brink of a break-up and decided to try to salvage our relationship. I am thankful for the second chance we got. I am thankful he will be out of here soon and the the peace that will be restored in our house. I am thankful for a day that came to its end, for few new shirts I bought; for the sleep awaiting for me as soon as I am done here.

Beach day

Day 891 - I told my daughter this afternoon I know what I'll write about tonight and here I am, a little too late, but writing about our outing today to the beach. For the past two weeks she was trying to convince me to go with her to the beach but I was too busy or not in the mood or... but today I told her I'll join her, just not in mid day since its my first time this year and I don't want to get sunburned. So at 3 pm we arrived at the beach - 10 minutes from home so just as accessible as before, and it was wonderful. I put enough sun screen and went safely through the experience. I belong to the sun worshipers, I love lying on a towel on the beach, and not the heat and not the sweat can quench my joy. I love the sea and it was amazing. I can't believe that on June 29 I did my first appearance on the beach. But I can assure you one thing - it will not be my last. I'll try to get back into the wonderful habit of watching the sun goes down at least once a week.
 
I am thankful to my daughter for coming up with the idea and asking it enough times until I finally said yes. I am thankful she found a beach so close to where we live. I am thankful to a wonderful afternoon just the two of us (and all the beach goers). I am thankful for a wonderful day.

Sad, sad, sad...

Day 890 - Nothing to report. My days are long and heavy. Usually when you break up with a partner they are just out of your life in a second which makes it easier. You can start the grieving process, you can start the healing. But when you live with someone it's more difficult of course. The partner that leaves the house has to find a new place. It happened when I left home three years ago  and it made for a very difficult period when we tip-toed around each other, not talking about the big elephant in the middle; and it was not easy for both of us; and it happens again now. I keep reminding myself to stay compassionate and caring even as things get more problematic; as my patience is tested. It is very difficult for my daughter but she is leaving next week for a month and a half and by the time she's back he'll be gone. I hope he'll move out as soon as possible, as much as it hurts to see a relationship break down, when it does you just want it to be over and not drag on and on. I need my space and I need alone time. I need to find myself once again after the very intense past few weeks. I know I will be very sad, it'll breaks my heart to see him leave but it's inevitable by now. I am sad, I walk around with very heavy feelings; I wish things were different, I wish we didn't get to this point. Only few weeks ago we were still making very long term plans...
 
I am thankful for my day is over. I am thankful I can go to sleep. I am thankful for beautiful days, for the sun that shines on me even now, through all this; showing me the light, the hope. I am thankful for tomorrow, I sure don't take it for granted.

Last painting class for the year

Day 889 - It is the end of the year class-wise. today we had our last painting class of the year and now we have three months off - an unwanted summer vacation. Last year few of  the students met every week in my apartment with our painting teacher and we continued our work. Actually some of my best paintings and my break into abstract painting took place during that period. But I live now half an hour away from the city and no one wants to drive that far. I also have to be very honest and admit that I should probably be looking for a new teacher and a new class. Not because he is not good but because he doesn't appreciates abstract very much and so his input is not enough to push me as I need to be pushed in order to keep being creative and he can't show me how to go about developing my style and techniques. It's a little sad but I know it is the right thing to do so maybe during the summer I'll visit few classes in the area and see if I can find something closer and more challenging. But this being said, I had a great time today. I put on my earphones to block the disturbance from my class mates so I can listen inwards and just kept working on a painting I started few days ago when I broke up with my partner. I was sad and I was angry and I put it all on the canvas but left it in mid-air since I had to go out to pick up my daughter from the train and didn't go back to it upon my return. So today I finished and had some interesting ideas how to do it and it came out even better that I expected. I  know I'm so lucky to have something that enables me to express my most hidden feelings and thought. That I have this connection of hand and soul. I am so very lucky to have this therapeutic tool in my hands to console  me at times of need.

I am thankful for a second year of paintings and all the much joy it brings into my life. I am thankful I chose to go to my class and not my hiking group's party on the beach. I am thankful for an amazing painting I created today, different than anything I did before and yet so me. It's really late again so, I am thankful for a good night sleep.

Almost forgot

Day 888 - I was suppose to send something over seas with a very strict dead line that I will get a very hefty fine if I miss. The form was sent to me yesterday by mail and all I had to do was to print it, sign and send by FedEx so it will make it on time. All I had to do today was to remember that, but I didn't. During my train ride back home it suddenly hit me - it was 7 pm and tomorrow is too late. I had two options - I could call a friend back in the US where it was still early morning of the same day and ask her to sign for me and send it; or I could try to find a FedEx office that is still open. Luckily the one in our national airport was still open and accepting packages for two more hours. And so I took my car, drove an hour and a half in each direction and made it on time. I don't want to ask someone to forge my signature; it's not right and so it was only a last resort, if I won't find a solution back here; but I did and I am very happy about that. When I was young my mom used to say: "what your brain doesn't do your feet will" - or to translate it - if I didn't think on time I had to invest so much more efforts to make up for it. And today is a classic example of that. But never the less, I am so very happy to be on the right side of this equation, to come up with the right solution and see it work.

I am thankful for having a car in a day like that - I could not solve it without the car. I am thankful I remembered still on the nick of time in order to fix the mess I was about to create. I am thankful for a day that was not easy, but still a day. I would not want to miss any, I don't have so many that I'll be willing to miss one just for being sad...  

So very sad...

Day 887 - Sad, sad, sad. I am so very sad. It breaks my heart to think its over and that I inflicted this pain on both of us. I know it was the right thing to do, that as much as we tried it only got worse in the past few weeks. I know all that, but it doesn't make it any easier. He was suppose to be the one I'll get old with and now Ill get to see him walks out of my life and into the great void and I'll never see him again. Too painful to even think about it this way right now. How did we get to this point. Why wasn't I smarter this time around to make it work? to not let my temper and his stubbornness to get in the way. I just want to go to sleep right now and get this day to end. I know the tomorrows will bring some solace but right now it's just hard.
 
I am thankful the day has passed. I am thankful for my work that gives me few hours of blessed distraction. I am thankful I have a heart that can be broken, that I have found a man I really loved, even if I didn't know how to build a solid relationship out of it. I am thankful for this day on earth, pain and all.

The end

Day 886 - I was thinking about this sad birthday, how we stood in the parking lot, hugged each other and cried. I was thinking about it all day long and could not believe I let it get to this point. I left my home and broke a family in order not to be in this place again. So me and my daughter will never feel helpless and at a loss again; and here I was on her 21 birthday hugging her in a parking lot and crying because the situation at home is unbearable and I am at a loss for what to do, how to change things, how I can make it work. To add to this I saw a posting I put few days ago on my Facebook timeline: "someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity or your self worth to be with them". I posted it with the comment "how true" and yet I did loose my integrity mishandling the crisis with my daughter, allowing him to stay in our house when he behaved so badly towards her and still keep him as my partner. and today it suddenly hit me - he who behaves like that is not worthy of my love; will not stay in my life as my partner. No matter how painful it is, no matter how I wish it was different. I would never behave towards his children in such a way and I expect the same respect towards mine. Slowly I spun inwards, not fully realizing how the walls are closing on me, I shut my eyes not to see and my ears not to hear and sadly even my heart if I allowed it for so long. I was hoping things will change at the expense of my daughter. Today, at work I finally woke up from this slumber and faced a very ugly reality. I made up my mind even before coming home that I am putting an end to it; that I am asking him to leave. A so I did. A nasty comment he made was the last strew on this growing pile and I told him that it is over; I want him to find a place and move out of this house and out of my life. I had enough. I am angry right now, angry at him but mostly at myself for dragging this for too long instead of putting my foot down when it all started but I am sure I am doing the right thing. As much as I love him, he is not worthy of this. I am sad for I thought I have found the love that will take me to the end of my life, but alas it melted in the heat of daily life; under pressure and under the first real trials. 
  
I am thankful for wisdom finally shown through the fog I surrounded myself with. I am thankful I have finally seen the light. I am thankful for all the good times we had, for the dreams we shared. I am thankful that after a while I will be able to dream again. I am thankful most of all to my daughter, for her amazing phone call today, assuring me that she will make extra efforts to befriend him, bad behavior and all; I am so lucky to have a daughter like her.       

A birthday to remember

Day 885 - like every year I went out with my daughter to celebrate her birthday. But a very different evening it was this year. The events of the past few weeks here at home are taking their toll. She is hurt and blames me of course since I am her mom and suppose to protect her and I don't do that. And worst of all - the person who causes all this is my partner. And I am in the middle, not sure how to handle the crisis and in so much pain. I keep hoping that he will change his behavior but instead he digs in. And the question is if I should break up with him or can I find an easier solution. I am so upset with him for bringing it to this point. But I guess there is a lesson here I have to learn. I am not smart enough I guess because I am stuck, and in the process cause so much pain. I know what is the lesson I am suppose to learn - how to stand up for myself and my beliefs; how to not let someone else to change the way I behave; how to take responsibility and not shift it to someone else. And I am taking it. It is my fault and no one else for being stuck in the middle; for not taking a stand, for fighting like a little kid instead of standing up like an adult. A sad birthday with so many tears. I can't believe this is how we celebrated this important day.

I am thankful for an evening I got to spend with my daughter, even if not easy at times. I am thankful even though I know our time together is slowly coming to an end, even if we'll survive the current crisis; a painful lesson, but a lesson never the less. I am thankful for this very special day - my daughter's 21 birthday.

Day 886 - after six months of honeymoon we started fighting. The past few weeks were difficult and tolling for both of us. And I must admit I don't like fighting nor am I good at it. The see-saw of feelings is not good nor healthy. And the worst part is that I see things in me I really don't like. I fight dirty and I am going for a win and this is wrong. The other side feels  defeated. So we made up and all but things were said that should not have

Ants

Day 883 - today I engaged in a fierce battle against the ants in our garden. Sometimes it feels like we are living on top of a big ant hill, they all running around all day long and get into everything. And I decided to out an end to it. The plants are actually suffering from that.

Back home

Day 882 - So good to be back home. As nice as it is to get out of the daily routine, I love coming back home, especially since I didn't see my daughter in the past three days. It was a long day and we were all tired, counting the minutes to the end of the day. But I heard few interesting talks, spent some time with my friends and got back home in time to make it to the grocery store before closing time and get some products for dinner tonight. It's late and I had a very long day, a very long week.
 
I am thankful to be back home and soon in my own bed. I am so thankful to be with my daughter again. I am thankful for a great week.

New ideas

Day 881 - day two here. A long day and at the end a big party. It's fun to do something different, to get out of the routine and our isolation and learn a little more about the world around us. They call these conventions "meeting of the minds" and that what they really are. I learned new things, heard new ideas and hopefully will get out of my comfort zone and make some positive changes in my life and the lives of people around me.
 
I am thankful for all I heard in the past few days. I am thankful for the opportunity to rub shoulders with all these great minds; hopefully there will be consequences to that. I am thankful to my partner for making his way here after work to spend the night here with me.

The Summit

Day 880 - at the Presidential Conference in Jerusalem. Three days out of my regular routine, representing our institution at this important summit. It was a very long but interesting day. And it was heart warming to see all the visitors and well wishers for president Peres 90's birthday. I feel so lucky I work in such a job and get to do these kind of fun events. I am not one of those in awe of the dignitaries, but it is fun to be away of the routine and play the game for a few days. My regular work can and will wait until next week; let the show begin.

I am thankful I ER these kind of fun little perks as part of my job. I am thankful I get to spend great many hours with my girlfriends from work. I am thankful to my partner for making his way here tonight for an out of routine experience for us as we'll.

"get out of suffering" card

Day 879 - It's amazing how much calm this "work" by Byron Katie brings into my life. I look into different issues I am dealing with and suddenly I can put then into a different frame, look at them differently and all the suffering that comes with it dissolves. It is not as easy to show it to other people, especially close and dear one like my beloved daughter. She is very upset with me and doesn't understand my behavior and I am not sure she will be patient enough with me right now. But I know it is the right way and I know it is the only way. To mind only what one can change and learn to accept and live with the rest in peace.She will and it will bring her a lot of good but for the moment she is hurt and I just have to try to show her in so many ways what I mean.
 
I am thankful I found this light at the end of the tunnel that is a "get out of suffering" card. I am thankful  I am still here and can try to show it to her; I think it is a gift for life.

Divine intervention?

Day 878 -Being so upset yesterday I picked up a book from my library and started reading. I kept reading on the train. I find it amazing how the right stuff presents itself when needed the most. It is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. Just what I needed. I kept saying yesterday that it didn't have to come to this point; I think I even wrote that here. But what she says is very simple - this narrative is what makes me suffer. Because if is just not true. If it happened then it had to and my reaction to the situation is what I have to investigate and ask the right questions and take it from there. But it was amazing, just this simple realization brings so much solace and calm. It did have to happen because it did. I keep saying that nothing is random, there is a guided hand behind it all. We can call it divine intervention or any other name; it really doesn't matter how we call it as long as we internalize the meaning of this. And this morning in my hour of need I was taken care of by that hand just a momentary lean-to, a helping hand to cross the abyss. I know I will be OK; I hope we all will. I hope we can find a way to dissolve the situation and to grow from it. I sure will; no matter what the outcome is. I hope there will be several issues in my life I will be able to smooth and move forward thanks to this amazing book.

I am thankful for this book that presented itself in the most crucial time. I am thankful for the calm it brought with it. I am thankful to my loved ones how challenge me and force me to get out of my comfortable shelter and face reality. I am thankful for this opportunity to grow.  

A trying day

Day 877 - It's been a very long and trying day. Endless discussions and many tears. I am really not in the mood to write, as simple as that. I am so glad the day is over and I can go to sleep. There are days like that and all I can hope is that tomorrow will bring with him some calm. A difficult weekend, for sure. I am really not sure how did we come to this point, how things deteriorated that much without me realizing what's going on. I fell asleep on my watch and this is the very sad result. I wish I could just wake-up and find it was just all a big nightmare, that we are really not at this point of no return.

I am thankful I can go to sleep now and end this day. I am thankful tomorrow is Sunday, a working day here, so all will be easier even if the situation is not resolved yet. I am thankful that there is tomorrow, even if not as happy as I would like to see it.

Here we go again

Day 876 - I slept only 3 hours last night since I had to prepare for my presentation on the trip to Jerusalem. It was only 10 minutes presentation but I had very little knowledge about the subject so I had to do some reading. And since it is a tour presentation it can't be just boring facts but had to be presented in an interesting even fun way if possible. I slept very little but I got the work done. We had a great trip to our ancient capital, learned a lot of new things even though I visited there so many times and made some connections that might be of help in the future. And the most important thing  of all, it rekindled the desire to become a tour guide so I am actually going to take some action in this direction, start applying to tour companies here and abroad since I am certified in the US as well. So this is a very important decision for me of course. I also had much time in my hands to think about what's going on here at home with my partner and realized it cannot go on like this. I did not leave my marriage of 31 years just to fall again into a too similar of a pattern. and some of the things I saw in the past few days are alarming. I also realized they are too fundamental, it is not something that can change just get worse and so talking to god in the privacy of the prayer near the Western Wall I made up my mind I am asking him to leave. I don't know if I am ready to try make it work when we leave in two different places, really not sure this can work or is desirable, but for sure we can't keep living under the same roof. I cried, of course, but I know it is the right decision and coming home to even worse behavior than yesterday, where he is digging in deep I told  him that he should find a place for himself and move out. I am sad, very sad but I know it is the right decision and every moment in this tantrum feat that should be the mode of operation of a two years old toddler and not of a 63 years old man, just make it more clear that this is not going to work and It's better now than in a few years. So here we go again, after 7 months another relationship is going down the drain. How sad.
 
I am thankful I had such a great trip today, I love it and really missed it. I am thankful god was with me today when I had to make this very tough decision about breaking up; I am so very sad but tomorrow is another day and I am thankful for that; maybe it will even be a little easier. I am thankful to my daughter for all she did today while I was on the trip; she cleaned and did the laundry and cooked and trove me back and forth; I am so very thankful to her for that

Pulling a very late night

Day 875 - I have a field trip tomorrow to fulfill the last requirement for my Tour Guide license. The problem is that I totally forgot about it since it not my class. I only remembered it yesterday and had no time to read or prepare anything with all the commotion. So here I am at 2:40 am when I have to wake up in less than 4 hours, putting the last touches on my presentation. Not ideal, but sometimes life gets in the way. The important thing is that I will take the tour, do my presentation and finish the course. I don't like to leave it open and besides, who knows, maybe I will start working as a tour guide after all. Can be nice, actually.
 
I am thankful I'm done with this presentation, I am thankful I can go to sleep for a few hours. I'll be ven more thankful tomorrow when all this will be behind me. Good night

Or maybe

Day 874 - at least we love each other enough to try to talk our way through this crisis. And this is what we did today for hours on end. Who knows, maybe the past is not going to repeat itself. Maybe there is hope; maybe I learned something in the past few years...
I am thankful we are at least trying to close the gap. I am thankful for one more day of maybe instead of a definite no.

The end?

Day 873 - a huge and nasty fight. I don't think we are going to get through it. I don't see a way around it and at this point I give up. It is a lost fight and as sad as I am I don't see a way we can patch it up. I still love him very much but I don't see a way to make it work. It is too fundamental to be able to bridge it. He managed to get to the core of my being and challenge that and I am not willing or ready to make changes there. So seven months after things started with such high hopes; less then a month after we moved to what was suppose to be our nest, we are probably going to separate. I am too angry right now and too hurt to write any more but I will in the next few days and weeks as I will try to recover from this blow. One thing for sure, it will be a very long time before I'll get into any kind of relation again. I was sure I found the love of my life, I was sure he is the man I'll get old with and it was all just a dream. I am so sad, so very sad.
 
I am thankful I can go to sleep in a few moments and be lost there for a few blessed hours. I am thankful tomorrow is another day, and all will be there just as before even when my heart is broken. I am thankful I already learned that time will heal this too; I so wish it didn't have to do its work on this relationship but sadly, it does. So, let the show begin!  

Nothing new under the sun

Day 872 - There is nothing new under the sun wrote the old king in Ecclesiastes; yet everything is new under the sun. I am not the same person who witnessed it yesterday and nothing is the same as yesterday. The humidity and temperatures, the light, the clouds, the birds and butterflies, even the trees have changed since yesterday. It is just to the unaware mind it looks the same; to the occasional looker. But I made a pact yesterday to do things differently and I am taking my first steps in this direction. I was riding the train to work and the book suggested to close my eyes and then open them and look with an open heart around. Suddenly I was in full awareness and for a few moments, before losing this attention again. But for a few moments the world around me was impregnate with love and bounty. The sky had special light, the trees glowed in a light so warm and happy. the skies were bright and happy. For a brief moment in time I was there, in the middle of it all and so optimistic and relaxed. Small changes to break the spell and the poison of the dream of the planet, and replace it with a different dream, my own. I want to break free, for sure, but it's a very long process. We don't even realize how many agreements are bounding us until we start the process of changing them; of being aware to them. It is a challenging journey, but I believe I will emerge as a much more of a free woman on the other side.

I am thankful for picking up the book again; this time in the right timing and so with a much greater chance of acting upon it. I am thankful for the challenges ahead of my, a wide open space for self fulfillment and growth. 5 minutes to midnight - and off I go. Good night!!

The four agreements

Day 871 - a very late entry. it's almost 2 am; late no matter how you look at it. But I am not too tired and I hope to be OK tomorrow. Sometimes life is getting in the way of the most sincere resolutions and today is such a moment. But the good news is that I unpacked yet another box, the one before last so hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to call it done. Another good thing is that I had few moments to start working on my class of "the artist's way". I am planning to start publishing the class this Friday and for that I have to get ready. Not necessarily with the whole class but for sure with the idea of what I am going to talk about and what do I add to the material. How to personalize it according to what worked for me. I am very excited about the class I sure hope I can start and I am ready to work hard to make it happened. I will not write about it tonight though; it's way, way too late.
 
I am thankful for my day, for waking up and by now ready to go to sleep. I am thankful for one more day on this planet. I am thankful for the few moments I was able to act on the four agreements, though I have to admit, mostly not in full awareness. I am thankful for the possibility I'll get another chance tomorrow. I am thankful for the blessed in-between sleep that I am embarking on right now. Goodnight!!  

My paintings

Day 870 - I keep adding pictures to my collection I have 17 by now and I am very attached to them all. People are talking to me sometimes about selling some of my pictures but I keep saying I can't part with them. Today we had visitors here, my partner's oldest son and his girlfriend, and the discussion went again to the same subject of me being attached to my paintings. My daughter said that actually by saying that I am making the situation permanent a self fulfilling prophecy. The son brought a very interesting point I am painting a mood, a feeling, a thought something that was on my mind and made its way to the canvas and now I have to let go, or I am keeping the attachment instead of releasing it and opening my path, and by keeping it instead of letting go I am blocking myself, my expression. A very interesting thought indeed, I never looked at it before this way but I can definitely see the logic there. I guess I will start to open up and give some away or sell them. I sure hope I can find people who'd like to buy my paintings. It will sure encourage me to paint more and will make me happy to think some life was touched and made better by that painting. You never know who and what will make needed changes in your life; it can be any one, any time anywhere. What a wonderful thought
  
I am thankful for a very interesting discussion that brought me finally to a place where I am ready for the next step in my artistic life; I am putting my paintings for sale. I am thankful for a wonderful Saturday and some more work in the yard that looks so lovely by now. I am thankful for a wonderful weekend that filled me with energy for the week to come.  

Little moments

Day 869 - another Friday and again I was running and busy all day long. Only after dinner and washing the dishes I finally had time just to relax. But the funny thing is that I like Friday as busy as it is. It's the only day I have to run errands. I bought groceries. I bought more plants to our garden. I cleaned. I cooked. A good day, really. I spent quality time with my loved ones. What else can I ask for. I never want to be in a position to stop seeing the important things in my life. To come to a day that I can only look back in regret. So I enjoy every little trivial and every glorious moment in my life from running errands to spending time with my loved ones. I love and treasure each and every moment. I know they are precious and rare and I so treasure them all.
  
I am thankful for Fridays, for time to do the little things that make life run more smoothly. I am thankful that at some point in life I learned to appreciate these things that most people see as unavoidable evil. I am thankful for every day I wake up knowing I have at least one more day in this wonderful place, in this wonderful life.

Day 870 -

upgrading my fridge

Day 869 - After weeks of debate I decided to go and buy a new refrigerator. I bought my current by two criteria - it had to be cheep since I had no money at the time, and it had to be small since the apartment were I lived had a particularly small door sills. And so it was a very small one, but suited my needs at the time. Now we are a family of three and it is just not enough. It also not of good quality and it keeps freezing things at the back of the fridge, mostly the vegetables and makes them useless. I also cannot keep a bottle of cold water  - no room... in short, you got the picture; I need a new fridge. I already went twice to look at what's available, but could not take the next step and buy it, I got a price shock. But today I got home early and just decided, this is the end of that chase, I am going to buy it, and I'm going to do it today. And so I did. In half an hour or even less I was out of the store and I will get it by the beginning of next week. I an so happy I did it. Especially now, with the approaching summer, we need a fridge that can hold water and watermelon and some vegetables, all in the same time. I can't wait for it to be here.

I am thankful I can afford to buy a new fridge, one that will be more suitable to our needs. I am thankful that after a long hesitation period, I finally master the courage to make a decision, and make the purchase. I am thankful it will be here in less than a week; I can't wait even that short of a time. I am thankful I stick with my new decision and I'm logging off my computer and 12 minutes to midnight; maybe I'll be lucky enough to get into bed by the stroke of 12. Goodnight.

Before the stroke of midnight

Day 868 - I decided to wrap-up everything by midnight and leave my desk for the night. I want to make some small but important changes, and the first one is my sleep habit, or lack there of. Adding an hour to my night can make a huge difference and it is really and act of love toward myself. So here I am racing to the finish line with 12 minutes to go. No matter what I do at the stroke of midnight it is over and I am getting up to take a shower and go to bed. I know I can do it, it's just a matter of setting things in stone and not moving the schedule for anything, or as close to it as possible. I had a good day, A little more relaxed and I want to believe and little more focused. From now on I will start in a series of small changed towards the goal of focus and attention to the important things in life. I love Tuesdays since it is a day I work from home so I have time in the morning to be with my partner, I have time in the afternoon to be with my daughter and in between I can put a full day work. Now is the last stage of that day - finishing it off. And I'll do it just the way I promised myself. Now I have to start thinking about what changes I want to make tomorrow,

I am thankful for a wonderful day in which I spent quality time with my loved ones. I am thankful I also had time for myself. I am thankful for this new resolve to take good care of myself, of taking care of my sleep. I am thankful that 2 minutes before midnight I am done; about to turn off my computer, take a shower and go to bed. Good Night!!

Redefine my priorities

Day 867 - Our days are so long. We start at 7 am and we never get to bed before 1 am. and in all those many hours we don't have more than a few moments to ourselves. Something has to change. I keep telling myself it's too soon to come to a conclusion but for sure our days are too long and too busy and mostly busy work instead of high quality one. So the first step, being aware is working well. I am painfully aware to that. The second step - making the right changes is not there yet. I know my priorities but I just don't get to them. one thing for sure, I have to be off the phone more because it takes away from my reading time in the train. I also have to be more organized. To do the shopping once a week, to cook for two or three days in a row. I can't keep buying groceries and cooking every day. as much as I love doing that, I have higher priorities I never get to do. So as of tomorrow I'll start making small changes to streamline my life and put what's important for me on the top of the list, as they should. Right now my top priority is going to bed. I am so very tired, exhausted will be a more accurate definition.

I am thankful for the insight I got into running my life on a much better path. I am thankful for the opportunity to reorganize my days and redefine my needs and my boundaries. I am thankful I can go to sleep now, I;m so very tired as usualy.    

A late entry

Day 866  - I fell asleep yesterday without writing my blog. The reason for that crash is that I cannot hold my alcohol. My kids always make fun of me for being such a lousy drunk. I think the little left over of Asian genes I carry in my blood is enough for this sensitivity. I drank one glass of white wine over dinner and the result was that I was barely able to get up and move to the couch and promptly fell asleep. I woke up only this morning. So here you go, at the age of 55 I got drunk for the first time in my life or at least as close to drunk as I'll ever be.

I am thankful to my daughter who helped me yesterday when I was so dizzy, I could barely walk. I am thankful its the first time I got so drunk and it will be my last. I am thankful I woke up this morning as if nothing happened.

Ikea spree

This one was written few days ago and I just found out it was not published but was kept as a draft. opps...

Day 866 - I drove with my daughter this morning to Ikea to buy some necessary stuff. The problem is, as usual, storage space and I was trying to find some solutions. We also needed more heavy duty things like a desk and a medicine cabinet and a regular bath cabinet. We spent there a great amount of time and we came out with a loaded car and very empty wallets but we were very happy; mission accomplished, or at least stage one was. When we came home we embarked on the second part of an Ikea project - assembly of the various things we bought. My daughter is already done, I still have some things to assemble and I have one return. We are also extremely tired but it's nice to see how slowly the house gets into shape and tomorrow when I'll be done with the cabinet I'll get to the close rack and will be able to finish unpacking my close. I thing I have about two more boxes of close and the rest are going to long term storage; things I want to keep but I don't really need it for my daily life. and with that we'll be able to declare the house as done and us as settled in. I have to admit, I'm looking forwards to that I am looking forward to a relaxed day with nothing to do just kick back and rest. But tonight I'm still not there, it's past midnight and my back hurts from all the heavy stuff we carried around and I am so very tired. But I am so thankful for the day.

I am thankful for a day of hard work around the house. I am thankful for the things we bought that hopeful will make life easier and more organized. I am thankful for a very fruitful day that finally comes to it end. I am thankful for a good and long sleep.

Yard work

Day 865 - I bought the plants yesterday and today we had to plan them. My partner work in the yard for several hours weeding, and hoeing and raking and digging holes to accommodate the different plants and  making rows for the variety of seeds and finally watering the whole garden. It was hard work in hot weather under bright sun and he was really tired at the end; we are not as young or fit as we used to be, but he did it and our front yard looks all taken care of even if not too many green plants yet. In a week or so to see the seedlings and it's very exciting of course. At the moment we have a very clean house (that what I did while he worked outside) and a very nice front yard and two very exhausted people. I'll write a very short blog and go to sleep. A new week is ahead of us and I'm so not ready for that...
  
I am so thankful for the hours of work we put in; the house looks nice and welcoming and so homey and I love it. I am thankful to my partner for all his hard work; his work day is much longer than mine and he worked really hard; I am so thankful to him for that. I am thankful to my daughter who made us a wonderful lunch while we worked each one on his/her own project. I am thankful to my partner's son for fixing our bikes after almost three years they were packed. In the city where we lived before there was no point in taking them out - too hilly for our riding ability. I am thankful for a wonderful weekend.