Getting My Bearings Again

Day 321 – I was reminded once again that in life we have no control over things that happened to us. We have no control over the roll of the dice. The only thing we can control is our reactions to whatever comes our way.  I can get angry, or upset, or devastated, as expected, or I can choose not to. I can be the victim of my life’s circumstances or I can take control. For many years I chose the reactive mode and as a result I felt that things are out of control, and thinking about it now, they really were out of control. I left my life-wagon with no one in the driver’s seat; and so I aimlessly veered with no clear direction, and was left unhappy and at a loss. When I decided to leave home, it was my wake-up call. It was my announcement that from now on things are going to change dramatically. And this is how it was for the first year here, and this is why I was so happy, and full of energy. But bad habits are hard to die; and I was not watchful enough and I fell asleep at the wheel. In my budding attempts at dating again I fell into the same habits I had before, to be the weak woman I once was. I was full of expectations, I was easy to disappoint, I was waiting and whining, all really bad habits, all are in the negative reactive mode and all putting pressure on the very hesitant man on the other side. I took the fun out of it, and loaded something that was supposed to be just fun with mountains of expectations. And then I wondered why I chased him away. My daughter loves the movie “How to lose a guy in 10 days” very funny, but I followed the movie way too closely, and why? Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Why not just enjoy the day and let tomorrow be where it belongs. Leave tomorrow for tomorrow and try to actually live in the present. I was very good at saying all that but not so much at living it when I was put to the test. It took me almost a week after we broke up to understand that. I hope I can still fix things up or at least learn something for next time. From now on I have no future but many todays. I am not planning anything and I am actually going to open my eyes and let things roll the way they are, the way they should. I am back from the future and into today, in full force; this is truly the only place I can really be, the only place where life takes place. And I can only regret not seeing it when I could still patch things up.

  

I am very thankful for this understanding that finally came my way. I am thankful for every day I have, happy or sad, good or bad; it is a privilege and I am very thankful for that allows me to live life to the fullest, to enjoy all the array of emotions, to be truly alive. I am thankful to my dear friend, that I hope I didn’t chase him away too far, for being with me through this crazy period when I kind of lost my sight, for being patient and kind and I apologize for that. I am thankful for getting my bearings again; it feels so much better and right.

An Evening With My Friends

Day 320 – My friends are here tonight, staying in my little apartment. It is the first time I have guests staying for the night, really cool. Slowly I make my way back into “normal” life already had friends here for dinner and now friends staying overnight; I like that. It gave us a chance to sit and talk for a long time, get to know each other a little better, let me for the first see them as a couple. It made me realize that yes, it might take time but you do get a second chance at happiness. I still remember her when she just started the whole divorce worried if she’ll ever find a partner again and here she is five years later happier than I ever saw her. And it makes me think that maybe the same will happen to me, that one day I will also find the man I will be willing to live the rest of my life with and he will want to spend it with me. As I found out the hard way, the fact I want to be with someone, doesn’t mean he wants to be with me. But right now I just enjoy seeing them happy, it is definitely way too early for me. I am still in the grieving stage, in the denial stage, in a very, very sad stage. Looking at my friend it helps me internalize that everything in life is temporary and as painful as it is right now – this too shall pass.  

   

I am thankful my friends are staying here tonight with me. I am thankful for a very lovely evening we spend together and for a very nice dinner; they live so far and we see so little of each other now that I moved here, so I am very thankful for every moment we had. I am thankful another day passed and I am a little closer to be better again; and I am thankful to my friends for an evening were I did not think of him even once.  

I am So Sad Even After a Great Hiking Trip

Day 319 – My best friend from back there is here for a visit. She came for a two weeks’ vacation with her fiancé and she had the great idea to meet several of her friends here and have some fun by going on a hike. It was a lovely day and great company and I was so happy to see her. It was such a great idea to meet this way, and I got to meet few really nice people, and she and her fiancé will spend the night at my place tomorrow. I am so happy about that.

I had a really good day but suddenly, as I got into my car and started driving back home it hit me – I am so sad about the break-up. For a few days I kept telling myself I am OK with it and it is probably for the better but today, after spending a whole day with 3 very happy couples I felt so sad about losing the man I love. I came home and I was still sad and I went for a walk with my dog and it didn’t make me feel any better, I was even more sad. I knew getting into it that the chances are very slim, but it doesn’t make it feel any better. I could see us living happily for the next 30 years, but he could not make it through one more week, and it really breaks my heart. I keep telling myself that he might still wake up and realize what he is throwing away, but he might not and I will have to wait to our next life to make it right, because I know for sure we will meet again in future lives – we have an unfinished business to take care of. I still wish it will somehow happened in this life time, I don’t want to waste the opportunity for 30 more years; I don’t want it to be just a broken dream. I cannot ask for anything, I am the one who brought it to this point by decisions that I made so many years ago, but it doesn’t make me feel any better or sad any less.
    

I am thankful for a month I was happier than I thought possible. I am thankful for everything he was able to give me, for his kindness, I know how difficult and confusing it was.  I am thankful for all the magic that it was even if only for such a short time. I am thankful I can smile and enjoy my life even now and I know I will be OK.  And of course, I am thankful for meeting my friend after half a year we didn’t see each other, and for a very lovely day, for hiking and especially for friendships.

Getting Back to My Book

Day 318 –I decided yesterday I am going to work on my book now every day until I’ll finish; it is long enough in the making and after all the encouragements I got in my creative writing class I feel a little more confident about publishing it. So I printed it all, sadly it is still easier for me to do it this way than on my computer (I hate to waste so much paper though) l and I am going over it and correcting and improving it page by page. I took the script and set in the sun on the beach for a few hours, until it was too cold for me. It was such a nice day. The sun was warm, the sky was so blue and the water so still with only few ripples every now and then; such a special gift to have a day like that in early December. I just sat there, and read. I already went through a quarter of the book by now, and I am quite pleased with it so far. I know it is not done yet, but I need to go through it all to get back into the mindset so I can continue writing, so I can finish it. This is very scary step I am taking, to actually get the script out of the drawer, or in my case out of the computer, and decide to take it all the way; I hope I am not mistaken about its’ quality, but either way, if I will not try I’ll never know the answer. So I am taking a huge risk and announcing it here – I am going to finish the book and actually submit it for publishing. It is burning in me for so long I think it is time to take that step.  

   

I am thankful for a lovely day on the beach in early December, definitely not something one can take for granted. I am so thankful for mastering the courage to get back to my book. I am thankful for the positive energy such a decision brought into my life. I am thankful for a very interesting and entertaining class today in my tour guide course.

A very Festive Day

Day 317 – It is a very festive day today. My daughter finished today her training and she finished first in her class. She got a new red barrette and red boots – the coolest uniform you can have and she got an amazing job. She was so happy about it and all of us were so proud of her. For her determination and dedication despite all her health problems in the past two months; that she managed to finished so well despite all that. Sadly I was not allowed to come and be at the ceremony, but I got to see her few hours later with a huge smile, even bigger bags and all her new insignia. I brought her few balloons, just to say how proud I am of her.

We concluded the evening with a proper Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, I know, it really was last week, but we could not do it then, so we decided to celebrate it tonight. And it was amazing. Everything we hoped for and more, great food, great company and on such a great day; we couldn't ask for anything to make it better. But I had too much food at such late hour of the night and I also had two glasses of wine, and I have very low tolerance, so and I am falling asleep.  But it was so great and we had a lot of fun. It is so right to go sometimes with the spirit of an occasion and not the date, we got to celebrate Thanksgiving and especially today we had so much to be thankful for, it was perfect timing.

I am thankful for all the honors my daughter got; I am thankful for her new and amazing job. I am thankful for a wonderful Thanksgiving meal. I am thankful for such a special day. Almost forgot, I am thankful for a great paper I wrote for my creative class; I took my pain and turned it into a great piece of art and got so many compliments for that.

A New Class

Day 316 – When I decided few years ago that I am separating from my husband when my youngest daughter leaves home I started to think how I am going to support myself. Like too many women I stayed home with the kids and even when they got older I did some real estate work and mostly did our own real estate, plus in my country real estate is not a profession I want to pursue.  I figured I won’t have too much money but I really like to travel and so I decided to study travel. For the next two years I took all the classes I could in our local college and I got my certificate as a travel agent. I added to it a certificate as a tour guide and I was sure that this is what I am going to do from now on. But I came here only for a very short period but decided to stay and got myself a steady job and I had to burry my dream of travel. But as the time progresses I am getting a little restless, the roads are calling me. But I still cannot do it without being paid for it and so I decided to start looking into it when my daughter will be out of the military. I found that the best a course for tour guides just opened two weeks ago and so I called them and asked if I can still join them; the answer was yes. Which comes to show that if you don’t try the answer is always no but if you do, it might change to yes, like in my case. And so this coming Friday for 5 hours I will again learn about the ins and outs of being a tour guide and in a much more comprehensive course than the one I took. It’s a long course – 8 months and at the end I will have good contacts into the local travel companies and hopefully will be able to land 2-3 jobs a year and build my reputation so when I decide to pursue it full time it will be at my discretion. I am very excited about my upcoming class, and I am so happy I mastered the guts to ask for an exception.

 

I am thankful that on a day I was supposed to be so sad I am elated about my tour guide class that is coming this Friday. I am so thankful I have abundance of energy again and even though I felt so sick in the middle of the night I woke up fine and ready to face the world. I am soo thankful for all the blessings in my life.

Broken Dreams

Day 315 – I had a dream about a little house in the northern part of my country, a little house surrounded by trees and flowers and a man very dear to me who lives there with me. I was very happy and he was very happy and we loved each other so much. We had so many children and grandchildren between his brood and mine, and we all lived happily ever after, or should I say, happily until I woke up. I don’t live in this little house but in an apartment in the city, it is not surrounded by any flowers or trees and the saddest thing of all is that I don’t live here with the man I love, I live alone. I woke up and found it was only a dream, and it is very sad. It's really not my best week so far; I had a very hard time on Sunday after my daughter left and it is even harder now, especially since I know it is so wrong to break up. I had a dream about peaceful life full of love and laughter only to wake up and realize it was just a dream. Life is about the lessons we learn and what we take with us to continue our journey. I know I will be fine and I know that one day I will find a man who will not be afraid to love me too. I was so sure I found him, that the magic will hold but it didn't and I’m so sad about that. Timing is everything and ours was off; he was ready when I was not, and I am ready now but he is not. I am not sure life will give us a third chance to make it right, but this is a chance I took once, and he is taking now; how sad. It is not every day you can find someone who is plainly saying that his/her heart is broken, well, mine is broken now. 

    

I am thankful for a dream that lasted for such a short time but was so sweet and special. I am thankful for moments of sheer happiness, for realizing I can love again, even if it was the wrong time to do that. I am thankful for all the memories that are mine and cannot be taken away. I am thankful for my broken heart; the good thing about being in a very low place is that it can only get better from there.

Queen of the Desert

Day 314 – I was at the art supplies store, looking for some ideas when a friend of mine called to remind me about a lecture tonight to a women empowerment group.  I like anything to do with women empowerment so I came right away. It was a lecture about a very challenging trip for women only, called “Queen of the Desert”. An 8 days trip through Lapland in a group of about 50 women in 12 SUVs sleeping in tents, traveling through very rugged terrain and all with no men to help when they have a flat tire or a car get stuck in the mud. They have to cook for themselves and do everything. Exactly the kind of challenge I’d love to take. They don’t take everyone and you have to go through tests to make sure you fit the profile of the people they are looking for. It is also a competition and one car picked as the winner and all the four women get to go the next year for free. So of course I got all excited and I am going to make sure to sign for the testing in May. It also made me think about having the same program elsewhere. I think I will start checking about that. I really want to get into travel, it is the right thing for me and I need to be out of the office, and this kind of travel is what I like most, challenging and out of the beaten path.

 

I am thankful to my friend for calling me and reminding me about this lecture. I am thankful for such a great idea for a niche travel. I am thankful for another evening I didn’t spend alone with my sadness, but instead I spent it with friends and I heard such an interesting presentation.

   

I am Soooo Sad

Day 313 – I was very sad today. I was busy during work but as I was ready to leave it donned on me how sad I am. My daughter and her baby are back home 20 hours flight away and it will be few months before I’ll see them again. I only saw them for 5 days and now they are gone. I cannot complain, I am the one who chose to be so far away, but it doesn’t mean I am not sad; it just means I am the one who made that choice. I could not stop crying, so I decided it is not a good idea to go home and be alone. I called a friend and she asked how is the fam. I said they left yesterday. Are you a little blue? Yes I am. Can we meet for a coffee? Yes we can. It was so sweet of her, just to be there for me. Armed with some funny stories she made me laugh and forget how sad I was and then just said – so go and visit next month, just go more often for shorter periods of time. Funny because this just what I was thinking yesterday. But for some reason today everything looked so sad and gloomy, it was tearing me apart. I don’t remember being so sad in a long, long time. I know it is a good thing, it’s part of the grieving process, but it doesn’t make it any easier. And I am very sad right now for having two of my kids so far away and so out of reach, so out of my daily life. It’s true that most of my family is here, my siblings and cousins and parents, but two of my own children are far away and it just sucks; especially today. I know I will be better in a day or two, getting back into the routine, but today I am just very sad.

I am thankful for being sad; I will be much more disturbed if something like this will pass without leaving me sad. Never the less, I am so thankful to my friend for being there for me when I so needed this helping hand; I know I should allow myself to feel all the array of emotions but it was too much for me to handle, if I could at all avoid it, and sure enough, by the time I got home it was bearable and I could breathe again, I am so thankful for that.  

   

Being an Immigrant

Day 312 – Before you know it the short visit came to an end. They left two hours ago to the airport, starting their long way back home. My parents left back to their home, my youngest daughter is going back to the army tomorrow and I am here alone again after a very intense week. It was sad to say goodbye knowing it will be months before I’ll see them again. It is sad to see families all living so close to each other and we are separated by an ocean and a continent. This is the real price we pay for a choice we made 23 years ago to move away from our homeland and live in a different country. We were forever torn between the two places, knowing all too well that we will never really assimilate into our new country, but hoping our children will. But we also raised children with split identity; they feel very much like they belong to the new homeland but on the same time have a strong pull to the old one. We saw it in many families in our situation back there. And many times, as the years pile up, some of the children move back and the parents either move back or split their time between the two places. It is a very complicate thing to be an immigrant and we totally didn’t understand what we were getting into. And now we pay the price for it; we have a virtual family. Each one lives in a different place and we meet for few weeks a year at best. We can try to keep in each other’s life by skype, phone and every so often short visits, but we are soooo far apart. We cannot enjoy the simple joys in life like celebrating holidays and birthday or just sharing a Friday night dinner together. We are lucky if we can celebrate two or three special events a year together, and usually it’s not the whole family. How sad!! If I had todays' wisdom would I make the same choice again? I don’t think so, but to be perfectly honest, this is not the only thing I would change, make a different choice. But I don’t live in this parallel world and in the world I live I made certain choices, and now it is the time to pay the price for them. And it is my privilege to be able to make good on those choices, to make life better for it. I am not sure yet how, but I will find a way. but for you the reader, if you are considering being an immigrant in another country – make sure you understand what is it you are getting into. And think long and hard if you are ready to pay the price for many years to come.

              

I am thankful for a wonderful visit; I got to see my daughter and her little daughter, my granddaughter. I am thankful for every day I got to spend with them. I am very thankful to my daughter and her fiancé for braving this difficult and long flight with a 6 months old baby. I am thankful to my ex-husband for underwriting the expenses of the trip, thus allowing it to happen. I am thankful for all the good moments we had during the many years we lived as immigrants. I am thankful for the lessons awaiting for me now, as the result of our family split.

A Family Meeting

Day 311 – My oldest sister and her three children and their families all live in a city about an hour away from where I live. Today we drove there to meet them all. We have 4 babies that were born this year within 3 months in the family, 3 of them were in this afternoon meeting. And it was so much fun to meet everyone. We talked for hours and had such great time, and all the little kids add so much to the atmosphere. Suddenly from being all adults and one child there were four kids, three of them about 6 months old, so it was really a very special meeting.

When I just moved here I drove a lot everywhere, now a year later I got into the local mindset that an hour drive is very far and I rarely do this trip. Some of my family member that I saw today I didn’t see for a few months now, and it’s really a shame. I love them all dearly and an hour drive is really no big deal. I will make it a habit from now on to do it more often. Another conclusion of the meeting is that we really have to do a whole family gathering every few months, and have all my siblings come as well as my cousins and their families. I love all of them and I enjoy this warm and fuzzy feeling of family after years that we were away, so I will take the initiative to have it more often.

 

I am thankful for a very lovely family gathering where laughs and hugs and love were all around. I am thankful that even though there is some tension between different members of the tribe, we still managed to put all that for a few hours and enjoy the good parts. I am thankful for one more day spent with my daughter and her fiancé and their little baby. I am thankful my youngest daughter came for Shabbat from the army and could take part in this event. I am thankful for a great day.  

The Great-Grandparents Come to Visit

Day 310 -   My parents arrived today to see my daughter and the baby and we spent a lovely afternoon in a café on the boardwalk. It is so nice to see four generations – great-grandparents, grandparents, parents and the little baby herself all under one roof. For my parents it is the 6^th great-grandchildren, for my ex’s mom it’s her first great-granddaughter, so a very significant milestone and for every one regardless, it is very special since they live so far away and we don’t have many opportunities to see her, this is why everyone is making an effort to come here. The great grandparents are all still in good enough health and they might be able to see few more great-grandchildren, but I don’t know if they will have a chance to see this one again since they live so far away and seldom come to visit here. Stating that, my mom can’t really climb stairs anymore and so we had a change of plans and put them in the same hotel as my daughter and my ex. And so I have the house all to myself after I was so sure it will be packed.  This is one more night where I am literally falling asleep. So this is a short and unexciting, just to mention a day gone by.

I am thankful for a lovey day; I am thankful I got to see the baby and my daughter. And as usual in days like this, I am so thankful for my warm bed waiting for me after I  post this retarded entry and  then go to sleep.

A Serious Strife

Day 309 -   I was going to write about a wonderful day we had in Jerusalem. About the new archeological excavations we got to see, about the strolling in the Old City’s markets and time spent with my oldest daughter her girlfriend and their baby. But one event over shadowed it all. There was an arrangement to visit my youngest daughter at her base in the afternoon. I am using this language because I was not the one to make them although I heard from her about it and there are contradicting reports to the details. But as the day progresses it became clearer that there is no real plan to actually go there. Half an hour before the time we were supposed to be there she called and asked about it and I told her that it looks like it’s not going to happened. She got very upset and cried and talked to her dad, but to no avail. My oldest doesn’t want to go there and it’s her baby. So we didn’t go and my ex was very upset because he got all the brunt of the anger and it was not him who changed the plans and I was very upset and didn’t say a word for the rest of the evening. When we got home I had a little talk with my ex and he said that he really wanted to go and was upset he couldn’t and was even more upset that the anger was directed at him. We had a long talk and when I got home I called my youngest and heard some more of her pain. I tried to calm her down but I don’t think I had much luck. She was upset at me as well, and one thing she said stuck with me, even now hours after we hang-up the phone. She said that I am very different when I am around my oldest and I of course protested this statement. But when I am thinking about it now I finally understand what she talked about. I did not agree with what was going on but I said nothing. I fell back to my old role as the one who stands on the sideline and more so I saw aggression and I was silent, I did not voice my opinion. I fell again into the pattern of abusive relationship. I finally got it that this is the pattern all around me. I allow it to happened and I am quiet in order to “keep the peace”, to keep us all together. I allow tyranny in order to keep our relationship going. But what kind of relationship is it when it is “my way or no way”. I am not going back to my old ways, I had to fight so hard to get out of this I am not going back regardless the price. I had a good day as long as I was on my “best behavior”. I am behaving like a child in this relationship and it’s absolutely wrong. This is a very sad realization for me. This is definitely not one of my shining moments. I am not referring to the sibling rivalry - this will take care of itself; I am referring to my behavior during that incident.   

I am thankful for a very nice day we spent together. I am thankful I got to see my granddaughter for a full day, I am sad though for the rest of the day. I am very sad of the disappointment and heart break we caused my youngest daughter and I am most sad for being part of that. I am sad that I erred but thankful I am human and can make mistakes, and hopefully I can correct some of them as well.

My First day with My Granddaughter

Day 308 -   Today I finally got to see my granddaughter. And she is so cute and pretty and adorable, and… I played with her and we went to dinner, all of us, and I played with her some more and everyone else did too. It is so sweet to hear these little cooing sounds and the funny squeaks and some sounds I have no name for them but she still managed to produce them. and she was so lively and happy and ate her little dessert while we ate our food, and after about two hours she became tired and started making fussy sounds and her moms just put her to sleep. We already said good night and we each went to their own room/home so the baby can have a good night sleep since tomorrow will be a long day for the little one. We are traveling to Jerusalem, two hours away, and we have too many things we want to see so it will not be an easy day. I am happy about that – dead tired after I went to sleep at 3:30 and woke up at 6 am. So this is a short entry, I will write about the little one more, tomorrow; I am just too tired today.

    

I am so thankful I got to see my granddaughter today. I saw her five months ago and she sure did change a lot. I am thankful I got to play with her and hold her and have some quality time with her (quality for me, not necessarily for her). I am so very thankful my (almost) whole family gathered here for a week; it is so great to see everyone again and a chance to enjoy each other’s company; it makes me realize how much we are missing by being here and it tears my heart. I guess I’ll have to find some way to be thankful for that; maybe for the fact that I have a heart that can be torn. I am thankful for sme good deeds i did today in my volunteering capacity. and I am thankful I got to spend few hours with my youngest daughter, even if it was going to doctor's appointment again for her current allergy episode. still we had few hours together and I am always thankful for that. 

They are Finally Here

Day 307 -   the day started on an uncomfortable note. My youngest daughter, the soldier, is having an allergic reaction to something again. This is going on for a few days but it’s getting worse instead of better. So she went to see a doctor today. We finally figured it had to be formaldehyde that is in the vaccine she got few days ago, to which she is allergic, and yesterday she ate a cake that contained orange peel she was not aware of. At some point we were concerned it’s getting out of control, but by now it seems she managed to pull through. At the same time my oldest daughter, her fiancé and their almost 6 months’ old baby were having troubles at the airport, first with their car seat and stroller and when these were found they could not locate one luggage and it took them more than half an hour to find that the old saying is still true – the best place to hide something is in plain sight. They had so many bags and suitcases, it was easy to lose track of one. But all is well if it ends well and it did. So my youngest daughter is doing better and was not sent to the hospital, as they originally thought they will, and my oldest daughter found all the lost items and arrived safely here to the city where I live. Her dad, my ex, came with them and so we had a small family reunion and it was very nice. We spent few hours together, until they were too tired and went to sleep. I didn’t get to play with my granddaughter yet, she was too tired after the long flight – over 25 hours – I did see her and I will see her tomorrow again. It is so nice to have them here and enjoy them after such a long time away. And tomorrow my youngest will join us on her way to the doctor for a little while.

 

I am thankful that all after such a long time I get to see my oldest daughter, her fiancé and their little baby. I am thankful that it feels like we separated yesterday and that it still feels nice and at ease, I didn’t know what to expect, if there will be some element of moving apart, of becoming strangers. I am thankful for a very lovely evening we spent together. I am thankful my ex and I are finding ways to talk and be nice to each other again; we even went out for coffee in the middle of the night (and could not find an open café). I am thankful my youngest daughter is safe and getting better. I am thankful for a day that had everything in it, an emotional roller coaster, but all is well on the home front right now. I am praying to wake up tomorrow by my alarm clock and not from an emergency phone call.