A Serious Strife

Day 309 -   I was going to write about a wonderful day we had in Jerusalem. About the new archeological excavations we got to see, about the strolling in the Old City’s markets and time spent with my oldest daughter her girlfriend and their baby. But one event over shadowed it all. There was an arrangement to visit my youngest daughter at her base in the afternoon. I am using this language because I was not the one to make them although I heard from her about it and there are contradicting reports to the details. But as the day progresses it became clearer that there is no real plan to actually go there. Half an hour before the time we were supposed to be there she called and asked about it and I told her that it looks like it’s not going to happened. She got very upset and cried and talked to her dad, but to no avail. My oldest doesn’t want to go there and it’s her baby. So we didn’t go and my ex was very upset because he got all the brunt of the anger and it was not him who changed the plans and I was very upset and didn’t say a word for the rest of the evening. When we got home I had a little talk with my ex and he said that he really wanted to go and was upset he couldn’t and was even more upset that the anger was directed at him. We had a long talk and when I got home I called my youngest and heard some more of her pain. I tried to calm her down but I don’t think I had much luck. She was upset at me as well, and one thing she said stuck with me, even now hours after we hang-up the phone. She said that I am very different when I am around my oldest and I of course protested this statement. But when I am thinking about it now I finally understand what she talked about. I did not agree with what was going on but I said nothing. I fell back to my old role as the one who stands on the sideline and more so I saw aggression and I was silent, I did not voice my opinion. I fell again into the pattern of abusive relationship. I finally got it that this is the pattern all around me. I allow it to happened and I am quiet in order to “keep the peace”, to keep us all together. I allow tyranny in order to keep our relationship going. But what kind of relationship is it when it is “my way or no way”. I am not going back to my old ways, I had to fight so hard to get out of this I am not going back regardless the price. I had a good day as long as I was on my “best behavior”. I am behaving like a child in this relationship and it’s absolutely wrong. This is a very sad realization for me. This is definitely not one of my shining moments. I am not referring to the sibling rivalry - this will take care of itself; I am referring to my behavior during that incident.   

I am thankful for a very nice day we spent together. I am thankful I got to see my granddaughter for a full day, I am sad though for the rest of the day. I am very sad of the disappointment and heart break we caused my youngest daughter and I am most sad for being part of that. I am sad that I erred but thankful I am human and can make mistakes, and hopefully I can correct some of them as well.