Visiting Athens

Day 422 – I left home in a very heavy rain and arrived here to a beautiful sunny and warm day. I didn’t have much time to sleep before getting to the airport so I slept at the gate for an hour and was one of the first ones to board the plane and promptly fell asleep. I woke up over the islands few minutes before landing – a dreamy flight. After checking into the hotel, so I can leave my bag there I just roamed the streets, getting to know this city. There is an exciting combination of new and old living side by side, there is a city that so many of its buildings are in the new-classical style. There is graffiti everywhere, to the point that it looks unkempt, but I think it has something to do with the unrest here right now, even though I can’t read a thing – different Alpha Beth. I saw the changing of the guards – one of the strangest things I ever saw and I felt bad for those handsome guys standing there in their tights and pompon shoes, and those short, way too short skirts. I roamed the streets of Plaka, so narrow and beautiful and the Acropolis overlooking it all. I went to a restaurant because they had good Greek music and stayed there for two hours so happy, taking it all in. It’s a story of breaking few more chains, mental chains, of complete freedom. It’s the story of being alone in a foreign country with no language and no pre-set plan. It’s my dream and my plan; just me and my ability to do things, to find a way; it’s being as alone as one can be. It’s the challenge I like, the complete freedom. I said it two years ago – I want to go on the road to find myself. And here I am in Athens, Greece; finding myself. Celebrating life to the fullest.   

  

I am thankful I found in me the courage to just go, now I also understand why I didn’t make any plans. I am thankful for complete freedom for the exhilarating ride. I am alive, so alive!!

On My Way to the Airport

For some unknown reason I could not log on to my blog yesterday so I am posting only now but it belongs to Wednesday 14.3.12

 

Day 421 – It's late at night and I am on my way to the airport. I never went on a trip so unprepared but I was very busy at work in the past few days and I wanted to spend the little extra time I had with the man of my dreams. And so I just shoved tonight everything into the large back pack he brought me and that was it. The outcome of this is that the bag weighs a ton and I probably don't need half of what I took, but who cares? I am going on my first real adventure and I am so excited about that! The only thing that makes it hard is that I left him behind and it will be more than two weeks before I'll see him again. It's going to be very difficult. I wanted to complain here and then I thought better of it.  My daughter can see her boyfriend once every two weeks if she is lucky and if not it can be even three weeks, since they are both in the army. She would be so happy to be able to see him as often as we meet. I got new perspective on things. 

  

I am thankful for this adventure I am about to embark on. I am thankful to my daughter for being so patient with me for the past two weeks as I was getting totally absorbed in this new and flourishing relationship. I am thankful to this wonderful man for the role he plays in my life, for what he brought into my life, for being there by my side.

My Up Coming Trip

Day 420 – I am going on a trip to Greece for a week. I was very excited about it – going on my own for a week to a foreign country – it’s so adventurous, but almost two weeks ago, I was hit by a lightning (in a form of a man) and everything changed since then. Suddenly it feels so difficult to go and leave him here. Especially since the day before my return he leaves for a week. So now for two weeks we are going to be apart. I am at the stage that it’s hard not to see him even one day. And suddenly not to be able to see him, text him or talk to him - I don’t even want to think about the two weeks ahead, it’s going to be so hard. We are talking about using Skype and emails -we’ll find a way to stay in touch, but I know I’ll miss him terribly. I feel like a teenager – all I am doing all day long is thinking of him. I am falling, falling fast…

   

I am thankful for this upcoming trip; first time I am traveling abroad all alone and I am very thankful for that. I am so very thankful for being sad to leave, for having my heart overflowing with all these unfamiliar feelings; for this unexpected spring, for so much happiness, more than I thought possible at my age, at this stage of my life.

Considering My Values

Day 419 - Yesterday I was talking to one of my best friends and since she is from the same town as the man I am dating, I told her his name; there was silence on the other side of the phone after I did that, and my heart skipped a beat. I told her – “if you know anything that is not OK I want to know; we are good enough friends that you can do that and I really want to know. I would do the same for you and you know that”. The only thing she said is that he is known to get into disagreements with people he works with, that he might be too controlling. I thanked her and said that if this is all then I am OK with that. He is very sweet to me, but I will make sure to pay attention to that. I did a lot of thinking about this talk and I realized that I like strong men, that I cannot even think of having a partner that is not a very strong man; by definition a strong man can be a little controlling, but it is up to me to make sure it will not carry over to our relationship, up to the both of us. That you need two to tango; that to be in a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship requires cooperation of the abused, and I will never allow something like that. And as to the man in question, he is such an amazing guy, and he is so kind and generous and good to me, I could not wish for anyone better.  I realized that at my age prince charming comes balding with a little belly, and wrinkles but with so much more of a personality, so much finer as a man, just like his princess, just like me.    

    

I am thankful for such a good friend who loves me enough to tell me things she thinks I have to know even if they are not easy to say or hear. I am thankful that even when I hear unfavorable things, I am a strong enough woman today to know I can handle that; I am thankful I can trust my gut feelings and know he is such a wonderful man, even if others don’t always see it, and I stick with him. I am thankful beyond words for we have found each other, for this flourishing relationship, for feelings I didn’t know I have in me anymore. 

The gift of Painting

Day 418 – We didn’t have art class on Thursday due to a local holiday and it was very disappointing for me. I love this class so much, and I really missed it, so I came today to the make-up class and finished the picture I started last week, which you can see posted here. I am still doing my first steps in the world of colors and I just mix colors and put them on the canvas with a very raw idea of what I want to paint. So my initial idea was a forest but I started with this tree in the middle and it somehow evolved into this orchestrated theme of colors and no forest just this lone tree. But it felt right and it felt done so I just stopped. And I came home and hung it on my wall and for the last two hours I sit here and every few minutes I look at it in disbelief. It looks like a real picture, like something I might even buy and I am the one who made it. Somehow it came from under my brushed. It’s magic. I keep saying all the time the Great Creator’s intervention. It’s not that I am a religious person, it is just that I cannot find a better name to explain, how some things will come from me that are better that I, with no help, can do. It is as if some creative force is channeled through me. It’s magic. I am looking at this picture and few others and they make me so happy.   

 

I am thankful I found this amazing class. I am thankful I found in me creative talent I never knew existed. I am thankful for this opportunity to try and improve. I am so thankful for this gift of painting, for this gift of art.   

It's Spring Time

Day 417 – It was a beautiful Saturday with blue skies and bright sun in the green meadows of the valley. It is much easier to cross the muddy creeks with a SUV than with my little Mazda and you can get away from the croweds. I am getting more convinced it is a good thing to own one. But I did see today that even a 4X4 has its limits as we got stuck in a ditch and we needed a little extra pull from a local ranger truck to get out of that tight spot. We set by the creek for a long time enjoying the serenity of the place,  with a beautiful spring day, good wine, some food and the best of company, what more could I ask for? What a perfect day.

  

I am thankful for such a wonderful day in nature; most of my week I spend indoors so I love these hours outside. I am thankful I got to spend such a lovely day with the best of company, with this dear, dear man . I am thankful for happiness I did not expect to come my way, more than I thought possible.

Enchanted

Day 416 – I am sitting right now and listening to CD of Turkish music by Hayal Gibi. Music I never heard before in an unfamiliar scale and very different collection of musical instruments. I love doing that; getting into this unfamiliar territory and open my heart to something different and new. And the music I hear right now is absolutely amazing. It sounds almost enchanted and it resonates in me. I feel like getting up and dancing this strangely beautiful and haunting music; slow and with an almost meditative quality. My heart is so full it is about to burst and this music is just what I needed right now. I close my eyes and listen thankful, so thankful for everything in my life.

 

I am thankful for the gift of music; I feel so lucky to have a heart so open to music that it can stir me so much. I am thankful for being introduced to this enchanting music. I am thankful for an amazing day. I feel so blessed.      

A very Important Question

  Day 415 – The great thing about new love is that it takes your breath away. And my life kind of turned up-side down. But today I got back to my routine, at least long enough to write my morning pages. And after few days I was neglecting some of my daily activities, it feels good to be back. I was writing my morning pages, and a segment of conversation we had popped in my head. With all the wisdom I gained in so many years on this earth and one failed marriage, what are the things in a potential partner that are red light for me? This is a simple question and a very valid one. The interesting thing is that I didn’t have an answer ready, and I actually had to think – what are my red flags. I realize how important it is to put these thoughts into words, to make the connection between heart and mind. To make sure I will not make the same mistake twice, that I will know what to look for and what to avoid. Most things are walking with me for a long time, and I just put it to paper, but one is something I never looked at before and it might be the most crucial one. So now my list is updated and my heart can do the evaluation and see if he passed the test. So far he scored no red flags and so many good points. I pray it will stay this way, and deepen, that it’s real and can hold both of us in its palm. I hope I found my match.

   

I am thankful for the challenges he presented to me that forced me to think in a very different way. I am thankful I got to stretch my thinking muscles this way. I am thankful for the very important question I had to ponder today. I am thankful for the realization it brought with it, for all the good it will bring into my life. I am thankful for a day of routine, even if it means I am away from him today.

I am Falling for...

Day 414 - I made a decision so many days ago to write about something interesting or different; to find things to be thankful for, every single day. And today I am sitting here pondering what to say. My life in the past few days have narrowed, pretty much, to a single spot; have almost come to a complete stop. I met a guy and he is so amazing and we spend every free moment together, which is sadly not a lot, since I finish my classes not before 9:30 almost every day. But I am not going to write about him. I want to give it more time before I say anything. In the process I learned some very interesting things about me. I was scared, so scared of being hurt again, that I preferred to hide and not experience love; to fall back on old love instead of looking ahead. I learned that it is hard for me to believe people can be so nice, and caring. I kept saying, but didn't really think, that I can find someone who will think I am all that. I didn't think it’s possible to find a man who likes photography and the desert and hiking and poetry, all things I value and like (and will also likes me); that I can find someone who have such a soft side, and still be an amazing and a well-grounded man. But I did, and he is everything I hoped for and more. He is so wonderful and I am so afraid to wake up and find it was all just a dream. But I am holding tight. With trembling hands I opened the locked gates of my heart and dusted it well, let the light and the warmth come in. And I cannot be happier even if I tried. I sure learned one thing - for this happiness I am ready to risk pain; this is a revelation for me. I was sure for the past two years that I am not ready to pay again the price of broken heart, of shattered dreams.

  

I am thankful I found the key to move again the rusty wheels of my emotional life.  I am thankful for the excitement, for the smile that doesn’t leave my lips and my eyes. I am thankful I found in me the strength to dream again and to open my heart to whatever comes my way. I am thankful beyond words for the presence of this wonderful man in my life.

  

Show Time

(I don't know what happened yesterday but the posting looks really bad so I am trying to post it again; it belongs to Tuesday March 6)

Day 413 - I got a very enthusiastic review about a show, and today, being its last day here in the area, I decided to go. I have to admit I almost didn't go. It was late and I really wanted to see someone I will be missing very much in the next few days, but I thought that I am not going back into the pattern of canceling my plans to match my steps to someone's. I have to do things I like and not cancel my own plans so easily, I have to be able to define myself even in a relationship and not to erase my will and wants, otherwise I will get back to the same position as before. I have to be flexible; I have to leave room for the both of us, but it cannot be that I'll disappear. Now, I have to make it clear, it was I who originally said I'll give up the show. I am still not sure how good the show is, is it worth it, but never the less, it is a show I wanted to see. I am very happy I realized a bad pattern and was able to nip it in the bud. I hope I will learn the delicate balance between me and us; I feel that here lies the key to good and healthy long term relationship. And I sure want to have one; for that I'll have to learn to listen to me and my needs even there, and in the same time not to neglect my partner's needs. Complicate.

   

I am thankful I changed my mind and did an act of caring towards me. I am thankful for the opportunity to put myself to the test. I am thankful I got to watch an interesting show. I am thankful most of all for the wonderful response I got, just what I needed; one more check mark; Yes!!

Buddhism Class

Day 412 – Monday is my tour guides class evening. And today we covered the subjects of Eastern Religions Hinduism and Buddhism. Not enough time by any standards. I don’t know why we got only one class, but this is our reality. I read a lot about Buddhism, and I am fascinated by it. But I know nothing about Hinduism. So now I know a little. I learned about the main gods, the icons associated with each one, so now I know how to recognize if this is Shiva or Vishnu and what is the meaning of each icon. I also learned the concept of panentheism vs. pantheism - in pantheism, God is the whole; however, in panentheism, the whole is in God. I like this idea. I also liked learning that even in this environment they each actually have one main god, an essence of god. We later covered Buddhism, a favorite subject of mine for such a long time and a reminder that I was too busy with life lately and abandoned the practice of mediation; of following the 5 principles of try to open my soul again to the changing nature of life, to my existence. I know few of my class mates were bored with the class, but I just loved it. I’ll pull out few books again soon. In short, I learned a lot but not enough. Now I have some research to do on the internet to give it a little more content.

  

I am thankful for a very interesting class. I am thankful I got in touch with the Buddhism again and I’ll try not to forget it again. I am thankful for yet another interesting Monday night.

Finding My Adult Voice

Day 411 – last Thursday I was very upset with my creative class group. It is something that is going on for a few weeks already. I keep getting phone calls from one of the participants that I should tone down my writing , that I should write about happy things and not only sad or difficult, that I should show the light side of me. At the beginning I thought that OK I can do that, and I did; but it was a very mediocre piece. Two weeks ago, the same thing happened and last week, when I got this phone call for the third time “making sure” I am writing something light I had enough. On top of it we had some personality clashes and one of the members, and one of the better writers, decided to leave the group. I wrote a very strong piece, I think my best or very close to it but decided not to read it to the group and asked the teacher to review it and I told her I am leaving the group. I would love to do some one on one work with her, but I am not staying in the group. It does nothing for me anymore under the circumstances. And today I got two phone calls, from two different members trying to convince me to reconsider; that I am writing so well and my contribution is so important and so on. I said that I cannot work this way when someone is telling me what to write. I said I am very open to criticism about my writing, but I am not ready to be told what to write, just how to make it better. I said no one will tell Picasso what to draw, you just say if you like it or not. If you want to see angels don’t go to a Picasso exhibition. I said it is a done deal but after a few minutes I thought better of it. The mature way to do that is not to quit but instead to bring up the subject to the group and see if we can find a common ground, and if they insist and we cannot agree than I will leave but at least I tried to fix things instead of just slamming the door behind me. So this is what I am going to do this coming Thursday; stand up like a mature adult and state my position instead of letting people brewing things behind closed doors and in whispers. It made me very happy when I came to that realization.

  

I am thankful for these two friends for bringing up the subject again; only that enabled me to come to a different and much better solution. I am thankful for the nice things they both said about my writing. I am thankful I was able to exercise the adult in me and bring it forward, all on my own.   

An Exhilerating Ride

Day 410 – After a week of storms we had a calm weekend. Today was not as nice as yesterday, it was a cloudy day and a little colder, but almost no rain and after a week of being locked at home and the drive yesterday we decided to go and see the flowers. We prepared a nice picnic took a thermos of coffee and off we go, our destination - off to the wild.  We got instructions how to get from here to the flowers’ place and we made it there not problems. We drove off the highway to an unpaved but good quality road and we reached the first creek. During the summer, this creek is dry but today it had a lot of water. We took a little hike along the creek, enjoying the flowers and the water. We even saw a group of people horseback riding, crossing the water.  Then we went back to the car intending to go back on our tracks and take another fork in the road, but alas, our little car could not make it up the hill. It was too wet and slippery and the heavy soil acted like clay. Only 4X4 could climb it up. The next two hours we were driving off-roading in our little Mazda trying to find a way to get back to the paved road. Needless to say we were the only non-SUV there and few times it looked very questionable if we’ll make it but we did, one time only because my daughter pushed the car out of a mud trap. It sounds awful, but we were laughing the whole time and having a blast. In fact, we thought it was one of our best adventures ever.  But I think we want to get an SUV at some point. It is sooo much fun.

  

I am thankful for a beautiful day trip with my daughter. I am thankful for not getting stuck in the mud. I am thankful for such an exhilarating ride.

Taking a Walk on the Wild Side

Day 409 – I took a walk on the wild side today. I met the guy  for coffee today and he was really nice. It’s the first time in I don’t know how long that I saw someone I never met before and immediately liked him, such a refreshing feeling. And so after two hours we decided to drive through one of the most beautiful preserves, right outside of our city. Not even 10 minutes away from all the hustle and bustle of a big city there is this area of sheer beauty, and this time a year and after so much rain everything is lush green and all the wild flowers are in bloom. And so we drove through this area for two hours, stopping every few hundred feet to look at flowers, and enjoy the view and the beauty that surrounded us. It was a very special morning. we found so much in common and it felt so natural and comfortable to be in the presence of each other. Early afternoon we had to part our ways and each return to his/her life but it was actually something difficult to do. I had such a good time, and I enjoyed his company so much. I feel like a teenager, texting all day long with few emails in-between; it feels nice, I have to admit. I wrote few days ago on my bucket list – to fall madly in love as one of my goals. I don’t know, I think this guy holds the potential for that, but also the potential to break my heart. But if I want to find love, I will have to risk getting hurt. So I am going to meet him again and who knows, maybe I did find my match.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful morning, nicer than I ever hoped for. I am thankful for a beautiful nature drive today, with all the beauty around me. I am thankful for this unfamiliar excitement.  I am thankful for being in this new and uncharted territory.

To Kiss a Frog

Day 408 – After months of following a very rigid routine, I suddenly started to deviate. I can’t find in me the will to wake up at 5am and there were few days that I woke up as late as 7. This puts everything in turmoil. I don’t have enough time to write my morning pages, so few days I came to work really late and in the last few days I just didn’t write them in the morning but when I came back from work. Yesterday I didn’t write at all. I also did not finish my book of the month. My house is a mess, I don’t go to the gym enough… so something is really off and I am not sure what. I am not myself lately; maybe it’s the breakup that was much harder than I thought, or maybe something else. What I finally realized is that I have to take some active measures to get back to the way I was only few months ago. I am going to cut off anyone who is not absolutely sure he wants to be part of my life, and take an active role there. I deserve no less than that and it has a very negative influence on me if I do allow that, it pulls me down. I said it once but did not remember to keep it. My love is something one has to earn. I am not going to try to convince anyone I am worthy of his love. If he doesn’t see it then he’s obviously the wrong guy. From today on, I am going to take active measures to get back on track – sleep enough, eat right, read, write and go to the gym and last but definitely not least, I am going to start dating again. I want to find a man who would think I am all wonderful, that I am the woman he wants to share his life with. I am looking for the man I will wake up in the morning happy for he is in my life.  I just hope I won’t have to kiss too many frogs before I’ll find my prince.

  

I am thankful I had this revelation about the direction in which I was going. I am thankful I can take measures to change what I don’t like in my life right now, and I am thankful I get to choose what to keep. I am thankful for a very lovely afternoon of talks and SMS with someone I never met. I am thankful it is Thursday night and I get to go to sleep very soon, and not be stressed about when to get up or too little sleep.