I am Falling for...

Day 414 - I made a decision so many days ago to write about something interesting or different; to find things to be thankful for, every single day. And today I am sitting here pondering what to say. My life in the past few days have narrowed, pretty much, to a single spot; have almost come to a complete stop. I met a guy and he is so amazing and we spend every free moment together, which is sadly not a lot, since I finish my classes not before 9:30 almost every day. But I am not going to write about him. I want to give it more time before I say anything. In the process I learned some very interesting things about me. I was scared, so scared of being hurt again, that I preferred to hide and not experience love; to fall back on old love instead of looking ahead. I learned that it is hard for me to believe people can be so nice, and caring. I kept saying, but didn't really think, that I can find someone who will think I am all that. I didn't think it’s possible to find a man who likes photography and the desert and hiking and poetry, all things I value and like (and will also likes me); that I can find someone who have such a soft side, and still be an amazing and a well-grounded man. But I did, and he is everything I hoped for and more. He is so wonderful and I am so afraid to wake up and find it was all just a dream. But I am holding tight. With trembling hands I opened the locked gates of my heart and dusted it well, let the light and the warmth come in. And I cannot be happier even if I tried. I sure learned one thing - for this happiness I am ready to risk pain; this is a revelation for me. I was sure for the past two years that I am not ready to pay again the price of broken heart, of shattered dreams.

  

I am thankful I found the key to move again the rusty wheels of my emotional life.  I am thankful for the excitement, for the smile that doesn’t leave my lips and my eyes. I am thankful I found in me the strength to dream again and to open my heart to whatever comes my way. I am thankful beyond words for the presence of this wonderful man in my life.

  

Show Time

(I don't know what happened yesterday but the posting looks really bad so I am trying to post it again; it belongs to Tuesday March 6)

Day 413 - I got a very enthusiastic review about a show, and today, being its last day here in the area, I decided to go. I have to admit I almost didn't go. It was late and I really wanted to see someone I will be missing very much in the next few days, but I thought that I am not going back into the pattern of canceling my plans to match my steps to someone's. I have to do things I like and not cancel my own plans so easily, I have to be able to define myself even in a relationship and not to erase my will and wants, otherwise I will get back to the same position as before. I have to be flexible; I have to leave room for the both of us, but it cannot be that I'll disappear. Now, I have to make it clear, it was I who originally said I'll give up the show. I am still not sure how good the show is, is it worth it, but never the less, it is a show I wanted to see. I am very happy I realized a bad pattern and was able to nip it in the bud. I hope I will learn the delicate balance between me and us; I feel that here lies the key to good and healthy long term relationship. And I sure want to have one; for that I'll have to learn to listen to me and my needs even there, and in the same time not to neglect my partner's needs. Complicate.

   

I am thankful I changed my mind and did an act of caring towards me. I am thankful for the opportunity to put myself to the test. I am thankful I got to watch an interesting show. I am thankful most of all for the wonderful response I got, just what I needed; one more check mark; Yes!!

Buddhism Class

Day 412 – Monday is my tour guides class evening. And today we covered the subjects of Eastern Religions Hinduism and Buddhism. Not enough time by any standards. I don’t know why we got only one class, but this is our reality. I read a lot about Buddhism, and I am fascinated by it. But I know nothing about Hinduism. So now I know a little. I learned about the main gods, the icons associated with each one, so now I know how to recognize if this is Shiva or Vishnu and what is the meaning of each icon. I also learned the concept of panentheism vs. pantheism - in pantheism, God is the whole; however, in panentheism, the whole is in God. I like this idea. I also liked learning that even in this environment they each actually have one main god, an essence of god. We later covered Buddhism, a favorite subject of mine for such a long time and a reminder that I was too busy with life lately and abandoned the practice of mediation; of following the 5 principles of try to open my soul again to the changing nature of life, to my existence. I know few of my class mates were bored with the class, but I just loved it. I’ll pull out few books again soon. In short, I learned a lot but not enough. Now I have some research to do on the internet to give it a little more content.

  

I am thankful for a very interesting class. I am thankful I got in touch with the Buddhism again and I’ll try not to forget it again. I am thankful for yet another interesting Monday night.

Finding My Adult Voice

Day 411 – last Thursday I was very upset with my creative class group. It is something that is going on for a few weeks already. I keep getting phone calls from one of the participants that I should tone down my writing , that I should write about happy things and not only sad or difficult, that I should show the light side of me. At the beginning I thought that OK I can do that, and I did; but it was a very mediocre piece. Two weeks ago, the same thing happened and last week, when I got this phone call for the third time “making sure” I am writing something light I had enough. On top of it we had some personality clashes and one of the members, and one of the better writers, decided to leave the group. I wrote a very strong piece, I think my best or very close to it but decided not to read it to the group and asked the teacher to review it and I told her I am leaving the group. I would love to do some one on one work with her, but I am not staying in the group. It does nothing for me anymore under the circumstances. And today I got two phone calls, from two different members trying to convince me to reconsider; that I am writing so well and my contribution is so important and so on. I said that I cannot work this way when someone is telling me what to write. I said I am very open to criticism about my writing, but I am not ready to be told what to write, just how to make it better. I said no one will tell Picasso what to draw, you just say if you like it or not. If you want to see angels don’t go to a Picasso exhibition. I said it is a done deal but after a few minutes I thought better of it. The mature way to do that is not to quit but instead to bring up the subject to the group and see if we can find a common ground, and if they insist and we cannot agree than I will leave but at least I tried to fix things instead of just slamming the door behind me. So this is what I am going to do this coming Thursday; stand up like a mature adult and state my position instead of letting people brewing things behind closed doors and in whispers. It made me very happy when I came to that realization.

  

I am thankful for these two friends for bringing up the subject again; only that enabled me to come to a different and much better solution. I am thankful for the nice things they both said about my writing. I am thankful I was able to exercise the adult in me and bring it forward, all on my own.   

An Exhilerating Ride

Day 410 – After a week of storms we had a calm weekend. Today was not as nice as yesterday, it was a cloudy day and a little colder, but almost no rain and after a week of being locked at home and the drive yesterday we decided to go and see the flowers. We prepared a nice picnic took a thermos of coffee and off we go, our destination - off to the wild.  We got instructions how to get from here to the flowers’ place and we made it there not problems. We drove off the highway to an unpaved but good quality road and we reached the first creek. During the summer, this creek is dry but today it had a lot of water. We took a little hike along the creek, enjoying the flowers and the water. We even saw a group of people horseback riding, crossing the water.  Then we went back to the car intending to go back on our tracks and take another fork in the road, but alas, our little car could not make it up the hill. It was too wet and slippery and the heavy soil acted like clay. Only 4X4 could climb it up. The next two hours we were driving off-roading in our little Mazda trying to find a way to get back to the paved road. Needless to say we were the only non-SUV there and few times it looked very questionable if we’ll make it but we did, one time only because my daughter pushed the car out of a mud trap. It sounds awful, but we were laughing the whole time and having a blast. In fact, we thought it was one of our best adventures ever.  But I think we want to get an SUV at some point. It is sooo much fun.

  

I am thankful for a beautiful day trip with my daughter. I am thankful for not getting stuck in the mud. I am thankful for such an exhilarating ride.

Taking a Walk on the Wild Side

Day 409 – I took a walk on the wild side today. I met the guy  for coffee today and he was really nice. It’s the first time in I don’t know how long that I saw someone I never met before and immediately liked him, such a refreshing feeling. And so after two hours we decided to drive through one of the most beautiful preserves, right outside of our city. Not even 10 minutes away from all the hustle and bustle of a big city there is this area of sheer beauty, and this time a year and after so much rain everything is lush green and all the wild flowers are in bloom. And so we drove through this area for two hours, stopping every few hundred feet to look at flowers, and enjoy the view and the beauty that surrounded us. It was a very special morning. we found so much in common and it felt so natural and comfortable to be in the presence of each other. Early afternoon we had to part our ways and each return to his/her life but it was actually something difficult to do. I had such a good time, and I enjoyed his company so much. I feel like a teenager, texting all day long with few emails in-between; it feels nice, I have to admit. I wrote few days ago on my bucket list – to fall madly in love as one of my goals. I don’t know, I think this guy holds the potential for that, but also the potential to break my heart. But if I want to find love, I will have to risk getting hurt. So I am going to meet him again and who knows, maybe I did find my match.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful morning, nicer than I ever hoped for. I am thankful for a beautiful nature drive today, with all the beauty around me. I am thankful for this unfamiliar excitement.  I am thankful for being in this new and uncharted territory.

To Kiss a Frog

Day 408 – After months of following a very rigid routine, I suddenly started to deviate. I can’t find in me the will to wake up at 5am and there were few days that I woke up as late as 7. This puts everything in turmoil. I don’t have enough time to write my morning pages, so few days I came to work really late and in the last few days I just didn’t write them in the morning but when I came back from work. Yesterday I didn’t write at all. I also did not finish my book of the month. My house is a mess, I don’t go to the gym enough… so something is really off and I am not sure what. I am not myself lately; maybe it’s the breakup that was much harder than I thought, or maybe something else. What I finally realized is that I have to take some active measures to get back to the way I was only few months ago. I am going to cut off anyone who is not absolutely sure he wants to be part of my life, and take an active role there. I deserve no less than that and it has a very negative influence on me if I do allow that, it pulls me down. I said it once but did not remember to keep it. My love is something one has to earn. I am not going to try to convince anyone I am worthy of his love. If he doesn’t see it then he’s obviously the wrong guy. From today on, I am going to take active measures to get back on track – sleep enough, eat right, read, write and go to the gym and last but definitely not least, I am going to start dating again. I want to find a man who would think I am all wonderful, that I am the woman he wants to share his life with. I am looking for the man I will wake up in the morning happy for he is in my life.  I just hope I won’t have to kiss too many frogs before I’ll find my prince.

  

I am thankful I had this revelation about the direction in which I was going. I am thankful I can take measures to change what I don’t like in my life right now, and I am thankful I get to choose what to keep. I am thankful for a very lovely afternoon of talks and SMS with someone I never met. I am thankful it is Thursday night and I get to go to sleep very soon, and not be stressed about when to get up or too little sleep.   

Flooding

Day 407 – There was a huge storm today; very strong winds and so much rain. When I left work in the afternoon, the street was strewn with broken umbrellas. Luckily, when I left it wasn’t raining otherwise my umbrella would have joined the crowd. But I made it safely to the parking lot and later to my apartment. But the surprise was waiting for me inside. I had a h u g e puddle in the middle of my living room. It took me about 20 minutes to drain it. And I just found out that the phone number of my landlord is one of the lost numbers on my phone. So now I have to find his number and make sure he will take care of that. Our country has some very wonderful things but building houses has some serious room for improvement, almost everyone I know has a story about flooding in their apartment; never heard of such a thing in until I came here.  – an addition to the original post I wrote: I ran a search to find a good picture and it made me realize that it’s not that bad I saw pictures of houses actually flooded with a foot or more of water, so I guess it is really not that bad. Even the canoe is not something I can use in my living room, I just liked this woman’s sense of humor.  

 

I am thankful I have no rugs in my apartment and so no real damage was caused by the flooding. I am thankful that in a night like tonight I can come home lock my doors, turn on the heater and enjoy a cozy evening with my computer, and a bowl of lentil soup. I am thankful I came take a very hot shower and go to sleep in my warm bed; a real treat on such a cold and stormy night. And after I ran the search and saw real flooding, I am very thankful mine would not even earn a “worth mentioning” place. I am sooo thankful I never had a real flooding like some of the pictures I just saw.

A Love Song

Day 406 – I take a class of creative writing for the past few months and I really like it. I learn to listen to different styles of writing and to find beauty in places I would otherwise just dismiss. It is very interesting and definitely forces me to stretch my writing and critique muscles, all very positive things. Our teacher brings subjects for discussions and gives us writing assignments in directions I would never choose on my own, but later I find myself incorporating these new things into other things I write so it expands my writing ability and my horizon. Our last writing assignment is very interesting. We read two pages from a beautiful book by David Grossman, describing a massage. It is not as easy as it might sounds to write two pages about massage. And the interesting thing is that few of our group members felt uncomfortable – it was too physical for them, too descriptive on the verge of erotic as far as they were concerned and to top it off our assignment was to write a description of a massage in as many words as we can. I decided to take the challenge and wrote a very beautiful piece about touching the body of a beloved man, an amazing love song, to the caressing notes of a piano. I think it was the most difficult pieces I ever wrote, but also one of the most beautiful ones, if not the best; pure lyrics. I also know it is way too personal to ever read it in a forum; I cannot put my love for display, or the feelings of my beloved. But never the less I feel so happy for being able to put very strong feelings into words, to be able to write a love song where it is so easy to slip to something different, to keep it soft and caressing, to keep it in the realm of magical love, bigger than life.

  

I am thankful for this assignment that pushed me to write something I would never otherwise attempt.  I am thankful to the Great Creator for guiding me in this minefield to write a most powerful piece. I am thankful that the writing gave me an opportunity to live these magic moments one more time. I am thankful to the man who is the subject of this piece for all his love, even if he also broke my heart. I am thankful for the stirring this lyrical piece brought.

My Little Dog

Day 405 – I left my dog with my parents this week. I came to the realization that I might enjoy the fact that I have a dog when I come home at night, but it is not the right life for her. I am away for long hours and she is locked all by herself all the time. my parents are retired so she has company all day long and my sister’s kids live very close and they visit her and play with her so she is much happier there. But I have to admit it is sad to come to an empty house and to not have this silly one jumping like crazy up and down greeting me. It is a little selfish to be sad when I know it is so much better for her to be there. But now I am really all alone. I guess the one thing that made me come home in a normal hour is gone. Today I already went with friends from my Tour directors’ class to a restaurant after school, since I did not have to worry about my little dog. So I get to enjoy some more freedom, but I really miss her right now.

  

I am thankful I found a better place for my beloved dog. I am very thankful to my parents for taking her in. I am sure it is not something they wanted to do at their age, but they felt sorry for my dog and I am so thankful for that. I am thankful to be sad tonight; it means I care about her so much.

Painting Continues...

Day 404 – I missed my drawing class on Thursday and so I went today instead. And I am almost done with my picture. I would call it done but my teacher said he’ll sow me on Thursday how to continue. since I am the very beginner student and he is the very experienced teacher, I’ll accept his judgment and bring it back for an improvement session. So I will post the picture here as it is today and will repost it for the third time when done so we can all be the judges ( BTW - this is the development of the picture from day 395).
I have to admit I really like this new medium of painting with brushes and colors. I like these abstract subjects of just feelings and colors and shapes. I am not planning to have this as my only way of drawing but I sure enjoy it. When I’ll feel a little more comfortable I will attempt a woman figure. But it’s too early; I have so much to learn. It’s funny, I was hesitating for so long about colors and I fell madly in love with this new medium. You have to try new things all the time, I guess. I did and I sure don’t regret it.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful evening of paintings. I am thankful for the peace it brings me and for the passion it gets out. I am thankful for the gift of painting in my life. I am thankful for every lesson, I love it so much it becomes one of the issues to consider when looking for an apartment. I cannot be too far away, because I am not planning to give it up.    

By the way, another thing that was very interesting for me yesterday is that my parents have a picture done by my teacher!! What are the odds?! And I’ve seen it so many times and never realized it was his picture.  

 

At A Loss for Words

Day 403 – One more suicide. One more life lost, a family in ruins, close friends that their lives will never be the same. What do you say to a 19 years old boy who lost one of his best friends, who just in one night was forced to become a man? What do you say to a 19 years old girl who is facing this devastating reality again, the second time in less than a month? How do you go on? Every time that something like that strikes I remain speechless and I just hug her tightly and hope I can give her some of my strength. I never saw so much death growing up. I don’t know if I was just lucky or times were different. But, my daughter in her tender age had to face already so many suicides. and every time we say the same thing, and every time she is in so much pain. It’s been a little less than 3 years since the first one and they keep coming. What is wrong in our society that the only solution is death? How can we make people more attached to others, anchored well? How do you show them to seek for help instead of ending it all when the going gets rough? What can we do to help? How can this horrific spiral be stopped? So many questions and so few answers. Such a sad night.

  

I am thankful I can go to sleep tonight hugging my beloved daughter, I hope I can make her pain a little easier for that. My heart goes out to these parents who lost everything last night.

 

The Phoenix

Day 402 – I had an interesting talk with my daughter yesterday about guys and their role in our lives. I keep saying that I cannot do it, that I need time to be alone, that I left home to find myself and not to get right away into new relationship. And she says that 90% of the time it sucks but 10% are sheer happiness and for these 10% we are willing to go through the other 90%. She is so smart and so right. And I know it’s true but my heart is still bleeding, I cannot even open my eyes to see the beauty around me. More than 3 months later and it doesn’t get any easier. But the truth is that for these 10% that were so wonderful, for the fleeting moments of happiness when I was hoping it might be real, I will go again through the fire. So yes, I know love is wonderful, but I also know it is painful to wake-up in the after mass, to find everything in ruins and hopeless. But I keep wishing for myself to find a new love. To find someone that will not be afraid to love me; to fall madly in love with someone who will love me back. I so want this to happen. It’s on my bucket list; I want to experience love at least one more time before I die, hopefully, way before. I want to live in the light and warmth of such love. This is what I am wishing for myself as I go to sleep tonight. I will start taking steps to give it a chance. I don’t want to live in an emotional desert, it’s not a good thing, definitely not something to wish for; and I want my heart to take flight again.

  

I am thankful I came to this realization that I am longing for love in my life again. I am thankful for every moment I had, but now it is time for me to put this pain to rest and like a phoenix rise and be ready to start again a new life. I am thankful for the full potential for happiness that each moment carry, I’ll try my best to make this potential a reality.

Revisiting My Bucket List

Day 401 – One of the guys in my creative writing class brought a list of “things you want to do” – a bucket list. I saw that movie with my daughter when it came out and we both really liked the idea. We spend the next few hours after that constructing our lists and discussing some of our “to do” things. It became a dynamic list, and as I fulfill some of my wishes (I don’t cross them out but rather highlight them when done!! – a big difference in the way of thinking) I add few more. So for me this exercise today was not too difficult. In no time I had a list of 24. Some of our friends could not find more then 4. And I found it interesting, that even when I choose a very physical goal, like climbing Kilimanjaro, it has a very meditative and spiritual part to it. As I get older I put more emphasis on that side of life. I really like that workout, it makes me search my soul and see what is important for me at this junction or the next. It gives me a frame by which to live my life. So if tomorrow I will not be able to do anything I at least will know I lived my dreams, every day or as much as I could.

So some of the things on my list:

To live life of no regret

To live the world a little better because I was here

To make amends to everyone in my life

To learn how to die well so I can live well

To write at least one book

To laugh till I cry

To fall madly in love

To photograph a 1000 sunsets

To climb mt. Kilimanjaro

To run another marathon…

I have so many things I want to do, I’ll never have time to die.

   

I am thankful for this opportunity to revisit my list and choose something I can do in the next few days. I am so thankful to be a dreamer and always have things that are so fascinating for me, things that intrigue me and ask me to try them. I am thankful for endless curiosity, and sense of adventure. I am thankful for this very special class today and the thigs it brought forward.

Dancing to My Own Beat

Day 400 – few minutes before midnight and I still have to take a shower. I’m in danger again of turning into a pumpkin. I guess I am lucky to be the real thing. No masks, even though it’s hard sometimes, no lies, no pretending to be someone else, no fancy dresses to cover the emptiness inside. I am blazing my own path, dancing to the beat of my own drum. And I love it. For too long I tried to be what others were expecting me to be, ignoring what was good for me. Coming here and being alone enabled me to start looking inside and asking the real questions; and slowly answers are starting to form. It will probably take me the rest of my life, but I am patient and what’s really important is the path; all our lives we are on the path. To reach the pinnacle, to see the light is something very temporary, a fleeting moment. The truth has a way of hiding itself, and so we are always one the road, always searching and the answers change as we do. But being on that road has a very cleansing effect on the soul. Today I just worked and wrote a sweet little piece for my creative class, and cleaned my house; nothing to write home about, but I am satisfied and at peace. I am living my life, doing my things and I am doing it if and when and how I wish. I don’t take this for granted. I know it was not always like that. 
    

I am thankful for the serenity I feel tonight. I am thankful for all the blessings in my life; I am thankful for less than perfect things as well, for the challenges I face; without them I would never be able to fully appreciate the good times, my good fortunes, my life.