Cholesterol

Day 72 - I had high Cholesterol for years, really high, but I kept ignoring it for what it is. I tried to control it by keeping a vegan diet and it worked quite well. But than I realized that there are some serious side effects to that as well, plus I was getting bored and so I went back to my regular diet. And than I tried doing a lot of work-outs and keeping my physical activities up. It worked a little but I did not stay on top of it. Last week I did blood tests and they came really bad - my highest level ever of cholesterol and HDL. My doctor called me to talk about the results. I did not want to take medication, I really didn't want to but she was very clear that I should. it is in the danger zone already and so the agreement was that I will take it now for 3 months and see how much it will lower it and I will also follow a low cholesterol diet and increase my physical activity. in 6 weeks we will repeat the tests and than hopefully I can get off medications or at least reduce the dose. So here I finally own the fact that I have a problem and I have to face it and treat it. I keep asking myself why was I so much against it? is it because it means I am getting older and less healthy - it might very well be, the idea that my health is not as great as it was when I was young is very difficult to accept. But it is a great exercise for me in acceptance, with grace and with open heart. At least by finally treating it I am giving my body a chance to not suffer from much more serious conditions such as heart problems or stroke, so the trade off is an important one and this is how I have to look at it. If I have a problem, which I do, than I have to take care of it the best I can.

So even in this sad occasion I am thankful for this doctor who was ready to argue with me and convince me to treat my problem. I am thankful that even though I had the condition for years I am still healthy enough that we can hope for a full recovery or at least to put it under control. I am thankful that I found it in me to accept myself as I am and to try to make things better for me. and I am very hopeful it will work its magic on me.

Board Games Night

Day 71 - Today I was driving around with my daughter and we were contemplating what can we do for fun this evening. And we came up with the great idea of playing some board game. Since we left all the games when we moved here, we decided to go and buy one. We went into a children games store that had tons of games and to the question of the nice guy who worked there we said that we are actually looking for a game for us to play. He just loved it. for the next half an hour he showed us and explained every cool game in the store and after we already bought the two we wanted, he set and palyed with us one of the many games they had there for display. it is such a great store and the two guys working there are so knowledgeable and really like it when someone appreciate games. We had so much fun!  From there we went into a local cafe and just set there for over two hours and played. We haven't done that since we left home - now more than 8 months ago. I almost forgot how much fun it is to spend an evening playing and laughing and just being silly. We never really care who wins, we just enjoy playing, and this is part of what makes it so special. It was such a great evening.

I am so thankful for a great evening. I am thankful that we both can make fools of ourselves in public no problems. I am so thankful for the simple things in life that make them so great, a laugh, a smile, playing a board game on a random evening in the middle of the week with my beloved daughter. I am so thankful for being so blessed.

Memento Mori

Day 70 - I have a good friend that is going now through chemotherapy to fight breast cancer. She is in her late 60s and very optimistic but this is a devastating situation. I keep thinking about it.  And I don't know how would I react, what would I do, if I had to be in that position. We never know what we are made of until we are put to the test. Some of us will try to fight, others will give up. some are optimistic and some are not. But no matter what - it is the ultimate test. How do you react when given a diagnosis of such magnitude, how do you react when faced with our own mortality? It is not that we don't know we are going to die at some point, it's the fact that we suddenly have a set time attached to it that make it real, we cannot pretend any more that we are here forever. We were brought up in a Western culture, thus death is something we try to ignore with the hope it will ignore us as well, but being diagnosed take away that shield and forces us to face our own mortality. and it is uneasy to look towards the unknown and not shy from it, not blink. It takes practice, to strengthen our heart and our spirit, to make peace with death.
The Dalai Lama teaches: "It is crucial to be mindful of death — to contemplate that you will not remain long in this life. If you are not aware of death, you will fail to take advantage of this special human life that you have already attained". So as of today, I am going to start practicing mindful living by contemplating death.
I am very thankful for this awakening, for the understanding that I am 53 years old and more that half my life is behind me. I should start this practice, so I can be ready when my time comes, and so I can take full advantage of the life I have right now. I an thankful I am still alive and did not miss the opportunity to do it well. I am so thankful for the life I have.

The Truth About Being Sad

Day 69 - I am trying to be happy in my life not matter what. I try to find the good about everything, especially since I moved here. It is a choice I made to leave and start over and I wanted to own it. I get to do so many things on my own for the first time and it is a very special feeling. I also made myself a promise to not fall into routine, to keep looking at everything in a very fresh eye. But lately I realized that even doing things out of pattern all the time becomes a pattern, and that I do fall a little into a routine. I also find myself sometimes sad or pensive. I ask questions about my future and how will my life look, will I be happy again, will I find love again. And the truth is that I sometimes feel alone, and it scared me at first. It's been only few months since I left and I already feeling lonely?! But when I thought about it some more, I realized that it is actually a good thing. I have to experience all the array of emotions, I cannot limit myself to be happy or elated because than I am not really in tune with myself. Only when I open my heart and welcome all the emotions I can heal and be made whole again, only than I will be able to live my life in full. Only when I will be able to love and to be hurt, to be happy and sad, to cry and to laugh. Only than I will come to the place I was searching. As strange as it might sound, we can't exclude pain and suffering from our lives and expect them to be satisfying.
I am thankful for this realization. I am thankful for the pain and for the sad and for the bliss and for the love. I am thankful for my life, for every moment of it. I wouldn't want it any other way.

The Sacred Circle

Day 68 - Today was the last of our meetings in my women circle. We all felt that we don't want to continue, each for her own reasons. But if the past 3 months we grew to know and like each other. We were there to hear difficult personal stories and we lended a shoulder or gave a hug, all in a very supportive environment. It's a little sad that it is over, although I was so determined not to go on with it. interesting. for our last meeting we did a guided meditation and then we each drew a mandala (a sacred circle) and had to ask the mandala a question and get her answer. It left me with my mouth open. I never did a mandala before and of course I am skeptic of all these powers but it literally had a revelation. The funny thing is that our instructor felt the same about my mandala - the drawing as well as our Q&A - that I just hit the spot. It's very interesting, I can do all this work of soul search and all and the steps are so small, I am feeling lately that things are getting a little stagnant and I don't like it, but than I had this moment of clarity and it puts everything into focus, into perspective. I felt so good coming out of this last meeting, it was a gift.
I am so happy for being part of this circle for a while, for my friends who trusted me enough and made me feel so secure and enable me to grow to where I am today. I know I will continue, and I know I will do it again at some point, it is such a special thing to be part of this ancient women power, to connect, even if only for a few moments to The Source. I am so thankful for this big finale - the mandala and its gifts.

A Saturday trip

Day 67 - I joined a second hiking group and today I went on a trip with them. It is a much larger group and we traveled by bus and had a tour guide with us, so a very different style. The down side was that it was much more a sight seeing tour and not really hiking. But one of the members of the group told me about a third one that is really for serious hikers - they do up to 25 km in one day (about 18 miles). So I think I am going to join them as well and this way, I'll get all the variety. But I had a wonderful day today. We drove to the north part of the country and after so much rain during the week the streams were full of water and the fields covered with carpets of wild flowers. add to that a very sunny day, a wonderful group of people, and an amazing feast that they had for lunch and you have an absolutely gorgeous day. I used to come and visit during the summer when my kids were out of school, but this is the driest season and the hottest as well. So we could never do much hiking and I didn't see all the green and the flowers and flowing streams in many years, some of the places I've never seen before so it was a really day. And, as usual, I got to meet few more very nice people, I learned that they are also organizing parties once a month, so I am all set. We came very late, and I already uploaded all my pictures to Facebook, so now I can take a shower and go to bed.
I am so thankful for this wonderful day. I am so thankful to the people of my country, who love it so much and make it a habit to travel and see everything. I lived elsewhere for 22 years and I never seen such passion for travel one own country as I see it here. I am so thankful for that, it bodes well with me and it gives me an opportunity to meet so many like minded people.

TGIF

Day 66 - Friday is such a wonderful day. No obligations, and no alarm clock - hands down the best. So I woke up late and stayed even longer in bed. By the time I got out it was already late afternoon, and I had to go and do some shopping for food since everything closes at 3pm until Saturday night. I was planning to go to the movie, but the weather was so beautiful and the last few days very rainy, so I drove instead to the beach and stayed there until sunset. It was so beautiful! hot red sun and not even one cloud, just a perfect sunset. The days are mostly so nice by now, the air is fragrant with all the blossom, and today it was also nice and warm, we are indeed in spring already. I love this season. It's very short here, one day it's winter and the next it will get very hot, but this in between time is wonderful. Everything is green and flowers are everywhere, and even the light has special quality. It will become tired and muggy later, but for this short spring, everything is live and fresh and full of excitement, full of promise.
And I am so thankful I am here everyday to bear witness to that, I am thankful that I have the opportunity, after so many years to see it again, to enjoy it to the fullest. I am so thankful for a very pleasant Friday that I got to enjoy, when I say TGIF I actually mean it.

In the search of the miraculous

Day 65 - Last week I went to check about the Argentinian dancing class and found a very interesting class about self awareness and harmonious personal development - sounded intriguing enough to merit a second meeting, which I had today. They talked  and found it very interesting and I can agree with many points and not understand so many more. But it sure sounds like something I would like to explore further. I like this kind of thinking, it works well for me. The question is if I can also get it on emotional and physical level - can I live more conscious and harmonious life? They referred me to a book - "In the search of the miraculous", so I got it and already started reading it. First chapter - it seems that the author is getting the same kind of answers as I did today. but is intrigued, as I am, to go deeper, at least for a while. I love delving into these kind of questions, asking about the meaning of our lives, how much are we living in a dream-like state, what kind of self work I have to do to increase the percentage of my "awake moments", how can I live in the moment? But this is the kind of work one cannot do alone (at least, I can't) and so I think I might actually try this group and see if it is what I am looking for. I took a class few months ago, that will end this coming Sunday, that did not work for me, so I think I am ready to try this one. I am thinking about it a lot lately, I find it very challenging to stay awake, and very easy to fall back into sleep. So yes, I was very awake coming here, but I can already feel the lull.

And so, today I am thankful for this random meeting last week, and yes, I know that nothing is random and it was meant to be, but I am very thankful for anything that helps me in the journey towards myself. I am thankful for a very intriguing meeting and for hours that I think about it later. I am thankful for a new opportunity to grow.

The cycle of violence

Day 64 - There was another terrorist attack today, a bomb in the central bus station. AT this time we know of at least one dead and 30 injured. Immediately I got into emergency mode - calling all the friends and relatives who might be in the vicinity of the explosion to make sure they are all fine. I forgot how it feels.
Overall, it was a very rough week. Last Friday 5 members of one family were murdered in their sleep, including a 3 months old baby, I cannot even start to describe how I feel about such atrocity. there are no words for it.  And this was not all. Almost every day there are rockets attacks and now this bomb. My heart goes to all those injured and to the family of all the victims. So many lives were ruined this week, or changed forever
I did not experienced something like that first hand in so many years, even though it is all too common here that something will happened somewhere. It made me thinking - here I am 7 months since I moved back here and already so much terror, so much violence, was it the right thing to do, especially with the the unrest in the countries surrounding us. And the answer was yes, I am very happy that I am here, that I am part of whatever is going on, that I am here shoulder to shoulder with all my friends, with all my country people, for better and worse. It is so much easier to be in the midst of things than worry about it from far away.

So what can I be thankful for in a day like this? I am thankful that all my loved ones are OK. I am thankful that we are strong people and we do not allow terror to dictate our daily life. And I am so thankful to be here at times like that and add my strength and resolve to those of all the people arround me. Nevertheless, I pray for peace, and for something that will help stop this senseless cycle of violence.

Life Lessons

Day 63 - Life can be very trying sometimes but this is how we grow up, this is how we get stronger. When I have to face difficult moments it tests my strength and my limits and it makes me push harder than I ever thought possible in order to try and change a situation, or learn to accept what I cannot change. it requires self examination and truly listening to my heart, to my ancient wisdom. and it also shows me, time and again that I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible and that the things I feared most cannot break me. This is why we get stronger - we learn to face our fears and we learn we can deal with them. Some people get addicted to rubbing against their fears. I don't think I am one of them, but I learn everyday how much stronger than I thought I am and how much I can open my heart to pain and not buckle. And I know that this ability to stay calm and open is what will make me whole again. I will never run and hide again, even if I'll have to fight every instinct in my body, because I know all too well what is the price for living in fear and I will never be in that position again.  I don't live behind mask anymore and I don't hide my life whether they are in a high point or a low point I am an open book.
I am writing about my personal pain and few of my friends called and talked about it. I feel so thankful for that. I am thankful for friendships in times of need, I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and get better. A better person, woman and mother. I said it in so many words already, even at times of pain I am so thankful for my life, for the ups and for the downs. And I am sure that everything is there for a reason, a lesson I have to learn, a sharp edge I have to round, a little more grace and less pride. I am thankful for all life's lessons.

My hair stylist

Day 62 - As I get older my hair is not what it used to be. from the very silky and beautiful hair it turn into something very dry and coarse and very difficult to handle, not to talk about the color that is probably more of a salt and pepper (I didn't see my real color in years). Sadly, the easiest thing for me is to keep it in a pony tail. Easy but not flattering and usually a big mess, and it always looks like an after thought. Finally I decided to put an end to that and I went to my favorite hair stylist and just told him that I want a hair cut and left it up to him. He loves that. and I know I can trust him. I even closed my eyes (most of the time) so I won't see what he is doing and how it is shaping up until he was done. And I absolutely loved it. he transformed my look from a very messy thing to a very chick and stylish look. It made me so happy I decided to do that. After I got my hair cut we set for half an hour and just talked and it was so nice. I know him since he was a teenager just doing his first steps in the field and now he is so big and famous, and it is so great to watch it how from a very humble beginning he built himself up. I love him and all his wonderful family. All taking part in each other's life and all so welcoming and loving, such great people.

I am always so thankful when I visit this salon. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside- there are not many people so nice and kind and I am so very thankful to be counted among their friends. I am also very thankful for the wonderful hair cut I got and for my new look.

Inner Strength

Day 61 - my oldest daughter sent me an email today to inform me that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. That she doesn't want me to be present at the birth of her daughter (my fist granddaughter), or to come visit after that. It felt like someone stabbed me. and the worst thing is that I have no idea why. This is a very hard lesson in love and let go. but i think I am in a stage in my life where I can actually do that.

I have no control over the situation the only thing I can control is my reaction. and I will not stop loving her just because she resent me now. I will stay true to my feelings to her and I will try to let her know how much I love her, even in the face of rejection and even when she tries to hurt as she can. I am not playing the victim, since I am not. I just refuse to play. period. but it is a very sad day for me.

So what can I be thankful for in such a day? I am thankful that she is healthy and doing well. I am thankful that I can love her, no one can take that away from me. And I am thankful that in the past few months I acquired enough skills to be able to deal with crisis like that and not brake down. I was able to go through a full day of work and activities and enjoy it all even after I read that email. I am so much stronger than I was only half a year ago and I am so thankful for that.

Visiting my parents

Day 60 - I lived in another country for 22 years. I just moved back about 8 months ago. And time didn't stop just because I was away, my parents got older and I was always thinking that when I come to visit once a year the number of times I can still see than is measured at very little, my father is 83 already. And it's kind of un-nerving to think this way, it made me feel really bad. I took away their daughter, and their grandchildren and they are too old and too frail to travel for more that 24 hours. It is a difficult flight even for me and I am much younger.
So being back here I talk with them few times a week and I make a point of seeing them every few weeks. It creates a much more natural tempo and much less pressure on each visit. I have to admit - I enjoy it so much more when it is just for a weekend and not for a whole week. I was there this weekend and it was really nice. My dad started to tell stories from the war (WWII) and i recorded it. I am trying to convince him for a long time to write his memoirs and he keeps saying he can't, so maybe i can transcribe it from these recordings. In short - a very good weekend.
I am so thankful that I am back here and can enjoy these years with my parents. I am thankful that after so many years apart I can still find ways to stay connected. I am so thankful for this opportunity to try and keep and record some of my father's story before it will be too late. I am especially so thankful that they are still alive so we could have this time together; too many of my friends there were not that lucky.

Purim in the city

Day 59 - It's a holiday called Purim here today, very much like Halloween but not so much about scary and gore, and not all the dark side of it. We drove throught the biggest city in the country and it was so wonderful to see everywhere parents with their kids all dressed up in cute costumes and a lot of adults walking around in costumes. And the costumes were so nice, event the adults were very chill or cute, or just pretty. I loved it!! You never see adults in costumes just walking the streets in Halloween. The day was warm and sunny and balmy - a perfect day to have fun. And there were street fairs in different corners of the city, and there are big parades, all during the day. It is not a holiday of darkness and evil, it's a very happy holiday. I totally forgot how cute this holiday is and how much adults get into it , the parties that are going on. I forgot so I was not ready - no costume no nothing and on my way to my parents' town 3 hours away. But next year I will know what to expect and what to do :)

I am so thankful to be back here and get to see all these wonderful things that are part of my growing up and I am now reconnecting with it all. I am so thankful to be here and live it all.

Some New Classes

Day 58 - I had to run some errands in the afternoon something I am delaying for almost two weeks. On my way back I walked by a community center and I remembered someone told me about Argentinian dances class, so I decided to go in and check the details. To my delight the class is tonight, about an hour after I called. There was this woman there who came in to ask about classes as well and so we started talking and another guy joined in and he told us about an  introduction class of self awareness, of conscious living  that is about to start. So we both decided to try it, and it was very interesting and very intriguing, exactly my cup of tea. when this class ended  I went to the dance class. I was a little late, and it is a class that started 2 months ago, so I just stood there and tried to get the steps, but I think I did, at least enough to give it a try next week. So it started as running errands and just for trying ended with two great classes and a new friend. just for walking into some place new. can you even imagine how my life look if I actually took some risks?!

I am thankful for a lovely afternoon with so many gifts, just for trying. I am thankful for few new things I can explore. And I am very thankful for that class of conscious living. It made me realize how much work I still have to do and I am thankful for that.

An afternoon on the beach

Day 57 - I dropped my daughter at the bus station very early this morning so I also came to work very early. It was so nice. the roads were still very empty and the best parking lot, the one that on the grounds of the hospital still almost empty, so I was very happy about that. But the best thing is that I could leave early at the end of the day and so when she came back, we drove to the beach, about 5 minutes from work.It was a glorious day. the sun was nice and warm, the sky as blue as can be and even the sea was quite calm. We went to a restaurant on the beach, ordered some food and just set there watching the serene scene. Nothing much to report, just a nice afternoon on the beach. For so many things I missed exactly that - to sit on the beach and enjoy the sound of the softly breaking waves and feel the sand between my toes. So my toes were still covered - too cold to remove my shoes, but the humming of the water was priceless - just a perfect afternoon. 

I am so thankful to have eyes and ears and skin and heart to enjoy sucha great afternoon on the beach. I shed so many tears missing it, and I am so happy to be able to enjoy it again.

Tai Chi

Day 56 - The pain clinic at our hospital started offering Tai Chi classes due to its healing powers. Few months ago they started offering a morning class, once a week to the employees as well. I am almost always there, but I keep forgetting it. Today I arrived a little later than usual and as I step into the court in our building, I saw the Tai Chi class, and so I joined them right away. I saw people practicing Tai Chi in many places but I I knew nothing about it, and so it was very interesting for me today to do the motions but also understand that there is a meaning behind it. I still know nothing but I am now intrigued to find out more and I will make sure not to miss it next week. It was so gentle yet awakening. A great way to start my day.

I am thankful today for getting to work at the right moment. I am thankful for a wonderful tai Chi class. and I am thankful for the opportunity to learn something new, for opening my horizon a little more.

Watching a friend's back

Day 55 - A close relative is writing her memoirs with the help of a professional writer. She is working on it for a few months already and every once in a while I hear some comments from her about the progress of this project. Today after work I came to visit her and the writer was there with her. she brought her an almost done book, already printed and bounded for the very final comments before sending it to print. It looked really nice and I praised her for that. I saw many pictures I've never seen before, so I kept looking and than a typo caught my eye and I told her. She said that no problem, this is why she brought the copy so my relative can make any comments she wanted, find any errors or anything else that needs changing. So I kept leafing through the book and as I am getting to the end I saw something that almost curdled my blood. She brought up an old family dispute and presented it in the most vicious way. It was like stabbing someone very dear to me in the back. And knowing her, she would've  give him the book with a very sweet smile and not mention anything. Maybe even write a nice dedication on his copy. And that entry she made was very mean and very untrue and presented him as a complete heartless, guy without even mentioning in one sentence all the good things he did for her during the years, and actually taking credit for some of his actions. I was angry. I told her how wrong she is by putting it into paper, and how unfair it is to do something like that - he cannot and will not defend himself but he will be hurt to a degree I don't know if he can recover from. I know the story intimately, so I could bring up all the real facts and refute any false one she brought up trying to defend her acts. After a few moments, the writer said, well you can just not write anything about the whole episode or you can write a different version, but you cannot write things that are not right, we have to change it. I don't know if they will, but I sure hope so. But at least I now know about it and if it will not be changed, I can give my friend a warning so he will know what to expect. But I will not let it happened, even if it will take a fight, I am not going to let that old relative to hurt my friend for no reason in such a vicious way.  

It is not a nice story but I am so very thankful I was in the right place in the right time and prevented such cruelty. I don't even want to think of the outcome otherwise.

The meaning of love

Day 54 - I have a serious misunderstanding with a very close relative. She keeps saying that I wronged her in the past and the fact that I do not apologize for that preventing our relations from being better, and had other complaints as well.  I was at a loss for what I can do, and I felt like I am loosing her. I wrote an angry letter, stating how I feel, but that did not get an answer, I don't think that hearing my opinion was a sincere wish. A very smart woman told me to think it through - what is the meaning of loosing her for me. I meditated on it. It was very painful to think and go with "loosing her". But than I realized few wonderful things that set me free. She is not really mine to loose. No one ever is. We raise children, feed them, take care of them and love them with all our hearts, and do our best to bring them up with the same values we hold dear, but they are not ours. Same goes for other relatives and for friends. If she is mine than I really did something very wrong. She is a self sufficient, responsible and mature woman that really belong to no one but herself. So I cannot loose something or someone that is not mine. I also thought about this zen thing "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it..." and yes, even if she will never talk to me again I will still be so happy that she is who she is , that she lives her life safely and happily, that she is developing herself as a woman and a mother and in any other aspect of her life.

This is a very important realization - we can never have or loose another person, no matter how close that person is to us. And I can always love her with all my heart. If she wants to reciprocate - great but even if not, this will not change my love to her. And one day she will realize that right or wrong we are all humans, we make mistakes, we do and say the wrong things, we can never be perfect. The only one who can be perfect for me is me if I am in tune with myself, if I know who I am. And it's true for everyone; no one else will ever be able to fill that spot.

I don't know where our relationship heading, but I gained a very important understanding today. I will not live in fear anymore. Together or not, she will always be in my heart and this is something no one can ever take away, it can never be lost.

I am so thankful to my friend for giving me the clue of how to go about this dilemma. I am thankful for the understanding I achieved and the freedom that came with it. The freedom to love with full responsibility but no guilt.

The Essentials

Day 53 - the pictures and stories from the tsunami hit area keep pouring in and I cannot stop thinking about it. And now it is more than 24 hours later and the people of the area are dealing with the destruction left in its path. The first one was shelter and later later come also the need to bring food and water to all those stranded or now homeless survivors of the disaster. Help is offered from so many countries and it is heart warming to see that in times or real need the world is united and countries will try to help each other, coming to help when time is everything and every passing day reduce the chances of the trapped people. I contacted a friend who is in a world organization but no help is needed from the lay men, just monetary donations and prayers for the dead people and for the many who survived it.

Watching the story unfolds it occurred to me how many things we take for granted in our lives. The roof over our head (I already thanked for having it a few weeks ago) but much more so food and clean water, and electricity that provides light and heat to our homes. So I am not thankful because I have it and they don't,  it is what the quake brought to my conscious - that I am very thankful to have the all these things we don't even realize they can one day be taken from us. I am thankful that it is not something I ever have to question, that I can take it for granted.

Japan's Earthquake and Tsunami

Day 52 - I was going to write about a lovely drive and the amazing flocks of storks I saw on the way, but when I got home I found out about the earthquake and the Tsunami in Japan. So for the past 2 hours I was reading about it and watching videos. It is mind-blowing to witness the forces of nature. We feel so strong and secured in our technology and the things we build and than comes such an event and puts everything in perspective. We are so little and powerless against these massive eruptions of sheer force, whether it's the shaking ground that moves or flatten buildings, bridges and roads, torrential rains that cause massive flooding  and land slides, or like today massive tsunami waves that wash everything in their way, houses, cars, boats. It brought back pictures of the 2004 tsunami in Thailand, Indonesia, and Sri Lanka, where so many lives were lost or changed forever. So I could of course be thankful for not being there, for being alive, but no, this is not what I want to say today. Facing such a tremendous destruction I have to find a way to reach out of my own little safe life and touch the lives of those less fortunate. Tomorrow it can be the other way around. And I should not sit here pretty just because it was not my turn this time. So, what is my personal take on such disasters? What can I do to alleviate the sufferings? How do I get involved? This is something I have to find out in the next few days. But this new wave of human suffering is what I needed to start moving in the direction of global social responsibility, an Idea I am playing with for a while now.
So today I am sending a prayer for all those who survived the tsunami and are safe even if shaken, and I am thankful for each and every life saved.
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A good Night Sleep

Day 51 - I am a night owl. It sounds so cool and everything but the truth is that I just can't go to sleep early. For some reason I rarely go to bed before 1 am, too many times 2 am. This fact by it self is only half the story. the other half is that I wake-up at 6am even earlier which gives me on average about 4.5 hours of sleep per night. I can function on that but I know it is not the right thing to do. I don't work on Fridays and so Thursday night, after 5 nights of very little sleep I go to bed late as usual but I do not have to wake up early. Many times I sleep until 10 am - a good 8 hours of sleep. The best one of the week, since it comes after a week of sleep deprivation. And tonight is the night. It is Thursday night and I am about to go to sleep. It is my favorite sleep of the week!
I am thankful it is Thursday today and I am thankful for the sleep I will soon enjoy. I am thankful for the luxury of waking up when I am not tired anymore and not because it is time to wake up, not to the sound of the alarm clock. I am so thankful for that.

The Storm

Day 50 - I woke up this morning to very strong winds, much stronger than usually storms and a hail storm, the first I've seen here in may years of course, and torrential rains. As soon as I got into my car the rains started, at time so heavy that the wipers were barley able to keep the windshield clear. 15 minutes later when I got to work the rain stopped and I was able to get to work dry. It heavily rained most of the day but cleared again when I walked to my car and again when I arrived home. and it rained since than almost non stop and the winds are blowing at full force. But we are tucked safely in our little home with out little heater that is really not doing much for the whole house but is enough to keep us warm here in our little living room. Add to that a wonderful warm soup, a few good movies (for my daughter) and a very good book for me and you have a perfect evening.
I am thankful that I managed to get to work and back without being drenched. I am thankful that I didn't take an umbrella today and so it didn't break. And mostly I am thankful for this storm that gives me an opportunity to have a specially nice and cosy evening and that will make me appreciate the sun and the calm weather so much more when the storm will pass.

Family Issues

Day 49 - Not everything is good in my life; I just choose to look at the bright side. I left two of my children behind and there is a lot of hurt and anger, especially from my oldest daughter. It brings back old wounds that were never really solved and being so far away makes things even more difficult. My husband was hurt by my decision as well, and since they now live all under the same roof it is easy to see that I don't come out of this as a nice person. It is sad for me to get feed backs about things that were said about me, but this is the nature of people. My family members say some and then the people in the community, always too eager to gossip add their interpretations. But I am sure that things I said when I just came here were taken out of context or were "decorated" as well. It doesn't make it easier for me, though. I am unsure how to go about mending it from afar, and it is very sad all together. I wrote an angry letter and than I shed some tears and now I am doing the thinking. I know that there is a lesson for me here to learn and to get better; I am still looking for some ideas of how to approach it. And mostly I am sad. It took me so many years to be strong enough to be able to get up and leave and now I feel like I am loosing my children in the process as well. For some reason I thought that when they are adults it will be easier, but I guess it is not.
What can I be thankful for here? The fact that I am alive and healthy and so as long as there is life, there is hope. I am thankful for this trial as well, as difficult as it is right now, I know that something good will come out of it.

The Making of a City

Day 48 - I fell asleep and didn't wake up in time to put in my blog, but I am doing it now, as soon as I woke up and had access to my computer.
I stayed home with my daughter today. After a great same day of surgery experience, by late evening the local anesthesia started to wear-off and the pain settled in. It is early morning here and I had to go to work in the wee hours of the night to take care of some issue that could not be delayed until I am back at work. I did it at night since she was asleep and so I could leave for 2 hours. I was very happy about driving at this hour; I thought I'll have a chance to see a sunrise again. Now that the days are longer, I don't get to see them anymore :( but it was very cloudy and so I will have to make another attempt. But I got to see something very special - a city starting to wake up. at 4 am there are very few cars on the road, and there are the trucks - bringing fresh supplies to the city. I saw trucks unloading in front of local grocery stores (never realized these grocers wake up so early!), I saw some trucks unloading fresh produce in front of vegetables and fruits stands. and I saw bakeries in full action preparing breads, rolls and freshly baked Danishes. It was so interesting to see this side of the city we are usually so blinded  to. So many people have to wake up so early in order to allow cities to function. We all know it in the back of our mind, the drive this morning brought it to my full attention. It takes so many people to run a city smoothly and we never thank these faceless people.
So today I am thankful to all those wonderful people who work so hard to make our lives here easy. To those who bring supplies into the city, to those who take out the trash, to those who keep the streets clean, and the street lamps working; to those who maintain the vegetation all over town, and those who sweep the streets; to the bakers and the farmers and the fisherman; to the policemen and the firemen and the military men; to the doctors and the actors and the janitors; to all the people who make my life here so great - thank you with all my heart. I will make a point of it to stop every day and thank one of them for what they do. We take it so much for granted, and I am not going to do that anymore.

Lentil Soup

Day 47 - My first thought was to write about my daughter's surgery and how well it went and how after 10 days of pain she was able to walk out of the hospital on her own two feet, with very little pain and no cruches and I sure am thankful for that. But she got the hang of my blog by now, and is challenging me - "no mom this is the obvious, write something better".
So what can I write about? We came back home after having lunch with her dad and grandmother, which was very nice and I am thankful for that. It is not a given it will go well, everything is still so fresh and I was very happy that we could have a nice lunch and later he came to see her one more time before his flight so we also had a nice coffee, and I dare brag about my wonderful cheese cake as well (which I am very thankful for that, but on another day). I can be thankful that the rain came only in the evening when we were already at home watching movies and not when we left the hospital.

But I decided to dedicate my entry today to something very simple. Few months ago we ordered lentil soup in a restaurant and it was very good, so I decided to make it at home, and it was a real success. So I started making it almost on a weekly basis. As is often the case I keep playing with recipes and improving them, by now it's really a great lentil soup. We went to the same restaurant few weeks and ordered their lentil soup again and mine is so much better by now!! And today, especially for my daughter it was my hands-down best ever.
So, I am very thankful for a mean lentil soup that will make everything feels so much better, especially on a cold and rainy night and on the day of her surgery :)

My New Hiking Group

Day 46 - My landlord was trying to convince me since the day I moved here to join his hiking group. For some reason I always politely declined it. Yesterday he saw me, just as I was about to leave for my hike on the beach and invited me once again. Initially I said no and than I said I'll think about it. The trip sounded really interesting and he really knows the country well, which I don't, so during our hike I asked my friend if she wants to join me tomorrow for this hike and she said yes. This morning at 8 am we left our city driving to the north part of the country. The day was perfect, and the area absolutely amazing, especially this time a year when every wild flower is in bloom. (the picture here is a real one I took of the carpets of flowers we saw everywhere). An added bonus was that I really liked the people in the group. We connected right away and I did not feel even for one minute as if we are the outsiders and they are the group. It was such a wonderful day. If I was not in the mind set that everything is good and for a reason I would be sad for all these many trips I missed and for not meeting them earlier, but we have many more weekends to enjoy, so why bother. In one of the streams we crossed, I skidded and found myself in the cold water, but even that could not take away from the joy. It took a few hours and I was dry again and luckily my camera did not get wet. On our way back, my friend asked how many things today made us happy - too many to count!
I am thankful for this beautiful country. I am thankful for a great hike. I am thankful for an amazing weather. I am thankful for this group of wonderful people I met today. ANd I am very thankful my camera did not get wet!! But most of all I am thankful that after saying so many times NO I finally decided to give it a try and as is usually the case - by stretching my boundaries just a little I got so much back in return.

Tulips on the Beach

Day 45 - I don't work on Friday, so it's always my cleaning day and shopping for the weekend. So, I cleaned my apartment - definitely something to be thankful for, since I think I have here a hidden factory of dust bunnies, so by the end of the week they are already well noticed :(   I went shopping for some food supplies for the weekend and made a wonderful cheese cake, another reason to be thankful.
But most importantly, it was another beautiful day today, so after finished all my "to-do" list for the day I called a friend and we both went for a hike. I chose a hidden gem  I didn't visit in many years. The sandstone hills along the shore. This is a 4 km long trail along the shore between sandy little inlets, and rolling hills. Usually the place is yellowish brown with only very few sturdy plants holding on to the rocks, but at this time a year it is all lush green and in full bloom. The two most exciting ones are the purple irises and the red tulips. there were carpets of tulips. What a sight! and with the gentle wind and the warm sun and the very gentle waves on the water - it was a perfect afternoon.
I am thankful that I have a car now and I can venture out on a moment's notice to see all the beauty around me. I am thankful that 20 minutes from the bustling city were I live I can find nature in all its splendor. I am so thankful for this gift of a beautiful spring day.

A Day Trip

Day 44 - My youngest daughter is going into surgery this coming Sunday for meniscus tear. Since her dad is coming to visit this weekend, today was the last day we could spend together before her surgery. So, I decided to take a day off from work and to do something fun. She can't walk and has to use crutches, so hiking or even walking was out of a question, so my idea was just to pick a nice drive that we can at least enjoy the view and stop somewhere fore lunch, an easy day but more outdoors than she gets to do right now. A friend of mine had the idea that we'll go to the Safari - an African  animals preserve about an hour away from where we live. I loved the idea. We didn't visit the place in many years and I knew she'll enjoy it. The good thing is that you just drive through the place and enjoy the animals without leaving the car. It was a perfect day, blue sky, sunny and warm but not too warm so the animals were very active and since it's in the middle of the week almost no visitors. At the center of the park they have a zoo, also very wide open and very natural feeling to it. so there we rented a golf cart and we spent another hour driving from cage to open pits. a great display and a very enjoyable experience. On our way back we stopped at a very lovely restaurant on the beach and enjoyed some more fresh air and lovely view (and a great meal). We came back home very happy and very tired. At the evening, after a nice nap, we went out again to our favorite coffee shop and we had a cake they don't serve there very often so we were lucky to come there on the right day :)
In short, a perfect day. I am so thankful that we got to spend such a wonderful day together. I am so happy that I had this idea to take the day off. I am so thankful that all worked so well and that for a whole day, as much as she was in pain she had some other things to enjoy and distract her. She has to deal with such big setbacks and she is still so scared after the shock and all the new things she finds all the time that she is now allergic to. I am so thankful for anything I can do to ease it for her.

Clearing the Clutter

Day 43 - Today I came back to my apartment after work and saw again all the piles of moving boxes I have no place to unload, and the mattress that is laying on its side by my bed and I just had enough of it. I have two doors that enter my house and there is a tiny closed porch in front of one of the doors, so I decided to move all the boxes and the mattress and a night table and a large standing fan to that porch, block it off completely, but free my house. And so it was. an hour later I had some room again in my bedroom and my living room I really don't know why I didn't think of it before, but at least I did it now and I am very happy about it. It is a very short term solution, but it is a solution right now. Especially when my daughter will have to walk here after surgery - she better have some room to move without falling.
I am very thankful for the idea to clear some clutter from my life, and making my place feel so much more specious and inviting I am still going to find a bigger apartment, but in the meanwhile, life is more bearable here/

Injury

Day 42 - My youngest daughter had a bad fall during her military training and today we saw a sport medicine doctor who informed us that this is a meniscus tear and her knee is partially locked, which explains the pain and limited motion, and she is scheduled to go into surgery on Sunday morning. This is some serious stuff on too many fronts. She came here especially to go into the army and do this dream job, and now, two months later  she is injured and has to drop-off;  she is going into surgery on Sunday; and most of all this is one more set back that happens in too short of a time and it is very difficult for her. She is still dealing with the very short hair, a reminder of her hair dye fiasco and here she is again having to deal with one more disappointment, one more way that her world is spinning out of control. At least one good thing came out of that experience, she can be as disappointed as she is and can still say that well, at least it is not life threatening, that she will be OK in a few days. I was suppose to fly to see my son and older daughter this coming Thursday, yes in two days.
I am so thankful all this didn't happened while I was there. I am sad that I cannot fly right now, that it will take a few weeks before I can go there, but at least I am here and she is not left alone to deal with that. And again, I am so thankful I decided to stay here and not go back to where I came from, or travel the world.