The meaning of love

Day 54 - I have a serious misunderstanding with a very close relative. She keeps saying that I wronged her in the past and the fact that I do not apologize for that preventing our relations from being better, and had other complaints as well.  I was at a loss for what I can do, and I felt like I am loosing her. I wrote an angry letter, stating how I feel, but that did not get an answer, I don't think that hearing my opinion was a sincere wish. A very smart woman told me to think it through - what is the meaning of loosing her for me. I meditated on it. It was very painful to think and go with "loosing her". But than I realized few wonderful things that set me free. She is not really mine to loose. No one ever is. We raise children, feed them, take care of them and love them with all our hearts, and do our best to bring them up with the same values we hold dear, but they are not ours. Same goes for other relatives and for friends. If she is mine than I really did something very wrong. She is a self sufficient, responsible and mature woman that really belong to no one but herself. So I cannot loose something or someone that is not mine. I also thought about this zen thing "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it..." and yes, even if she will never talk to me again I will still be so happy that she is who she is , that she lives her life safely and happily, that she is developing herself as a woman and a mother and in any other aspect of her life.

This is a very important realization - we can never have or loose another person, no matter how close that person is to us. And I can always love her with all my heart. If she wants to reciprocate - great but even if not, this will not change my love to her. And one day she will realize that right or wrong we are all humans, we make mistakes, we do and say the wrong things, we can never be perfect. The only one who can be perfect for me is me if I am in tune with myself, if I know who I am. And it's true for everyone; no one else will ever be able to fill that spot.

I don't know where our relationship heading, but I gained a very important understanding today. I will not live in fear anymore. Together or not, she will always be in my heart and this is something no one can ever take away, it can never be lost.

I am so thankful to my friend for giving me the clue of how to go about this dilemma. I am thankful for the understanding I achieved and the freedom that came with it. The freedom to love with full responsibility but no guilt.