It Is my Last Day Here

Day 591 - This is my last day here and tomorrow at 6am I am taking off to my next destination to spend a week with my son. It was a great visit and for the first time since I left I could truly appreciate the place and its people; but this does not mean I want to come back. I have enjoyed the people and I sure will miss them, but I am going back home in a week and I am very happy about that. The highlight of today and what I am most thankful for was a visit of less then an hour to the office of our mediator where I signed the divorce papers. According to the law here it takes 6 months since the day I signed the papers so by March 1 it will be official, a belated birthday preset. After two years of separation we are making it official - we are not planning to get back together but instead to go forward and finalize our separation by turning it into a divorce. I was asked if I am sad but (sadly) I am not. I was sad for years about that but now it is only to put a stamp on something that effectively happened 2 years ago. And it enables me to finally start even mentally my way forwards.So, no I am not sad and yes, I am relived it is finally over. I know I should have a very pondering assay today but I am very tired and I have to wake up in less than 4 hours to get to the airport so this is it for today, and I keep the option to get to that later and edit a bit, but right now I have to go to sleep.

I am thankful for an amazing visit here, for everyday treasures. I am thankful I got to spend such quality time with my friend; I don't have enough words to thank her for all she did for me here. I am thankful I sealed the day with signing the divorce papers, I feel so relived and refresh.

A very emotional day

Day 590 - again an emotional day, this visit is doing something to me that did not happen in previous visits. and I am welcoming and blessing these things. I met with one of my friends today and she suggested we"ll go to the art museum in the university and I, who didn't think of this cool idea, loved it. the museum has a very large collection of August Rodin's sculptures. I love August Rodin's work. I fell in love with it when I was 14 years old, on my first visit to Paris and I never fell out of love. I still find his work amazing and inspiring. So we spend few hours together first enjoying this huge collection of Rodin, and as usual, I find new details that are of interest to me and I enjoy it in a very different way.I get ideas, I see how he is solving a problem - all very interesting and important points. I also saw few paintings by other artists and again took so many pictures so I will remember very interesting details - how the artist deals with the transparency of glass the metal quality of a spoon; how colors are blend and being put together and special affects I might want to learn. This trip is going to do wonders to my paintings. after we ate lunch I went to an art store and bought few more supplies I want to add to the things I bought already -I will have a lot to do next week at my son's.I am going to work on my face drawing skills. I also had a very special time with the friend I am staying with. We went and got manicure & pedicure together and I put a neon orange color and love it, and at night we had a few hours of girl's fun where we tried shoes and later she tried on clothes to take for her trip and I helped her with "professional" advice of how to pair it, what to add, and we had a blast. I am so happy I am staying with her, it gave us quality time like we didn't have for years and I love it. She is my very best friend and I missed this intimacy we once had and kind of got lost even before I left as my troubles at home mounted. So the trip did wonders for that. I also met my ex for the first time on this trip and it was nice. He was very nice and very warm and we had a good and productive discussion and it makes me happy as well; I don't like to harbor bad emotions and I didn't like the fact that things were stuck. I think we talked about them all and agreed and I am now ready to sign the papers tomorrow. 
   
I am thankful for a most emotional day today. I am thankful that my inner artist got a special treat and Enjoyed this amazing outing to the art museum. I am thankful I got to see my granddaughter one more time. It is the last time on this trip and I will miss her, but it was so great to get to know her a little and see how wonderful she is. I am thankful I got to spend time with my oldest daughter and see this side of her i never met before - being a mom - and I love it; her patience and love; the seriousness in which she is taking this new role, and I loved seeing how it softened her and changed her in so many ways; all so important. I am thankful I had a good and productive meeting with my ex-husband. I am thankful for such quality time I had with my friend; there is nothing as powerful as girl's night and I had a wonderful time. 

About Friedship

Day 589 - with only two more days left for my visit here my friend suggested I'll invite few friends here for a girl's night of cheese and wine. I gratefully accepted and so last night she sent an email and 6 women came for an evening most memorable. after everyone left she mentioned that it was very real and I felt the same. I guess that the circumstances and the small group brought on more honesty and deeper conversation, all welcome changes from the tip-toed talked we had so many times where you beat around the bushes and not realy dive into subjects less comfortable. But it is a very small community here and so every change create a lot of ripples in the pool. So I was not here but I am sure that my departure was the subject of many conversations in the first few month, and 8 months ago another couple split, again still the talk of town so many months later. So it is no wonder that family integrity and what is better for the parties involved adults and children. And of course also how is life for me over there and what with my youngest daughter and just chit chat, nice and easy. I kept saying in the past two years that friendships here are on the surface, but here we have a proof it might be a little bigger and deeper than that - those women came here in the middle of the week on less than 24 hours notice and in a country that 8 pm is late to go out. So yes, it might not have been as tight as I'd like it to be but I am sure that part of it is my fault, I was in a nightmarish place and had no energy to invest in these relationship. So I appreciate the gesture tonight even more. and it gave us all the excuse to sit back and enjoy the company of each other. A food for thought.
   
I am thankful to my friend for kindly offering her home in the middle of the week for a party. I am thankful to my friends who on such short notice attended it. I am thankful for all the kind words and the love they all surrounded me with. I am thankful for a wonderful morning with another friend and for a wonderful afternoon with my daughter and granddaughter. I am thankful for a wonderful phone call with my MF, I really needed it. I am thankful for yet another so special day. 

Since I lived in both places

Day 588 - another beautiful day. by now I realized that one of the main differences between here and there is the humidity. It is above 80% all summer long over there and you get out of the house and in minutes, were as here I can ware clothes the whole day and they still smell fresh at the end of the day. this is sure something I miss there, I don't like the humidity, I don't like the fact that my skin is sticky all summer long, that the first thing we do as we get into the house or the office or the car is to turn on the A/C. But don't read into this too much, I am just stating the facts not laying the ground for moving back here - no way. But the nice thing is that now I can see also the good things. When I just moved back to my homeland I could not acknowledge the good things here, everything was dark and bad and I didn't want anything to do with it. Now I am facing it with open eyes and I can say that I know some things are much better here, but I am choosing to live there, because it feels right for me, and I am very happy there. I am planning to meet few people here tomorrow and it is amazing for me, almost sad, that after 14 years that I lived here I have so few friends, I have more friends in my homeland after only 2 years; one of the reasons I like it there. I left here two of my children and one really good friend, the one I am staying with for the week, but this is all I got here, everything else is there. So since I am here and I have open hours during the day I meet some of my friends but it makes me a little sad to think that this was how I lived for so many years; so isolated and unattached. I see all the luxury and all the easy life that are the essence of living here but I can see also the other side, the things that were part of the reasons I decided to move back and I see them also in a much clearer way now.

I am thankful for everything I experience here this week, I am now in a position that I actually see and understand things and so it put a mirror to my face, a very positive thing indeed. I am thankful for this visit, for time I can spend with my daughter and granddaughter and time I can spend with my friend. I am thankful for being here, for all the convenience that living here offers and I am thankful that this is not where I live, that I chose life that is more difficult and challenging but a better fit for me. I am thankful to my family and all my friends and especially to my youngest daughter who made it such a wonderful experience; who made me fall in love with it.

Day 3 of my visit

Day 587 - it's the first day of the week here and we got into some kind of a routine. I do my own things in the morning and I meet my daughter and granddaughter in the afternoon and we spend two to three hours together until the little one goes to sleep and than I leave and let my daughter have some time for herself. I am learning now for the fist time to be a grandma and its actually cool. I also got to work on my Cambodia project and I hope I'll be able to finish it here -that will be great. Mean while, I am dead tired, as usual. So it is a very short entry, just cheking in and already checking out.

I am thankful for a great day. I am thankful for some very important phone calls, including one with my MF, that made me very happy. I am thankful for going to sleep right now, in a normal hour, I'm so tired!!

A Street Art Show

Day 586 - I went today downtown because I wanted to take a look at the art store there, that is expensive but very good and to my delight there was a big fair there - a Wine & Art fair that is taking place every year and is always beautiful and it sure was so special. Now that I am painting myself I enjoy it so much more than every before. I went from booth to booth and looked at everything and I was specially interested in some of the paintings that were more to my liking or that had special techniques that were intriguing. I stayed at such a booth looking closely at the painting, asking the artist questions how they did this effect or that and in some place, if they allowed it even took pictures. This way I will remember it and can try to work on such technique at home. I paint in acrylic, that has many advantages, if I am using quality products, but it has it's short comings such as - how thin it is vs. the thickness and texture an oil paint has, and here I saw some interesting solutions, and now I am going to try them at home. Another thing I saw is that the prices of art are much higher here, they sell it here for 3-4 times more that I can sell something at home, so maybe, in a few years, if my work will keep improving, I will come here to some of those fairs and sell some paintings. Just a thought. Another thing that is very unique to this specific art show is the disposable art - there is a whole side street where artists are painting on the road that is blocked for the two days of the fair. It always amazed me, and now even more, how people can engage in such an art form. You create beautiful pieces, just to get them destroyed the next day my the tires of cars or by the rain. But regardless, it is beautiful to watch them at work and some of the pictures they make in pastels on the pavement. The picture I attached to this entry is one of those creations. After spending few hours at the art show I went back to spend more quality time with my daughter and her family and it was absolutely wonderful, but I loved this little outing for my own enjoyment, a little outing for my inner artist, "me time".
  
I am thankful for a wonderful art show I got to enjoy; I feel so lucky that the only weekend I am here is the very same weekend as the fair. I am thankful I decided to go downtown to the art store otherwise I wouldn't even know about the show, you don't hear or see the commotion from where my daughter lives. I am thankful I can enjoy and art show in such a different and more heightened matter due to my personal interest, it makes for a very different experience. I am thankful for another day I could spend with my daughter's family, for the fact my little granddaughter is warming up to me by now. I am thankful for such a fulfilling day.  

My Granddaughter

Day 585 - First day of my visit. I spent the whole day with my daughter and her partner and with their little daughter, my little granddaughter and it was so wonderful. It was a little difficult at first since she is at the age where she is suspicious of strangers but I knew it will be like that and just tried to make her feel safe around me, and slowly during the day she warmed-up to me and by the end even allowed me to hold her in my arms. We went outside to the playground in the morning and to the children's museum and zoo in the afternoon and she loved it! she ran from one exhibit to the next shouting in joy the few words she can say and it was so very cute. they also had their little bath ritual at the end of the day and than I left because I was so tired. An hour of sleep brought me back to a functioning mode and to 2am, again. But I want to finish this blog before going to sleep.it was so wonderful, to see the three of them, to see them in their natural environment and not like last time when they came to visit us over there, in our new home. Here they are more at ease and relaxed, they are at their element and probably less tired and less stressed as well. I really enjoy the day, it came much better than I anticipated and I am so happy I am here. It was a very long time from our last meeting and I will not allow that again. I want to schedule my next trip soon so I will know when and how far between these visits are. and who knows, maybe I will be able to take a little longer vacation nest time and travel a little here and not only stay in one place. But the most important thing is to come and see my kids, not to allow the family connections to severe just because I separated from my husband and moved to a different country.

I am thankful to be here. I am thankful my daughter and her family were so nice and welcoming. I am thankful to finaly see my granddaughter and getting spend so much time with her. I am thankful for the miracle called life, especially as it comes to view in a little girl who is running around laughing.

A Very Long Day

Day 584 - This is going to be a very short entry. I am very tire, right now. After more that 26 hours on the roads I arrived here. my friend picked me up from the airport and we spent couple of hours together before I left for dinner with my oldest daughter and her partner. It was very nice and I really enjoyed it. I hope the visit will be good, I will do my best to make it such.
I had a layover for 3 hours during my flight and I talked to my youngest daughter, which made me all fuzzy and warm, and than I decided to see if I can talk with my MF. It's something that really bothered me during the flight. I really like him and I so hope we can make it work, I want to see if I can try to work on it when I see problems and not just cut and run. So I wanted to talk to him and see what he has to say about yesterday. I woke him up from his sleep, which means he was not in a place to talk, but he did apologize and said he was an idiot; so I don't know, maybe there is still hope there; I might not know until I'll be back home... And in the mean time, it feels so weird being here again. Everything feels so much home and yet it doesn't. I can't write anymore - I'm way too tired, but at least first few impressions and a safe flight.
  
I am thankful to be back here after such a long flight. I am so thankful to my friend for her amazing hospitality, I haven't seen her in a very long time and it is so wonderful to be able to spend time together. I am thankful I got to see my daughter and that she was so nice and friendly; I am looking forwards to see my granddaughter tomorrow. I am thankful for phone calls I made on my way to my loved ones and for the little window of hope that opened before me that I might be able to work out our relationship without breaking up. I am thankful for a very long day that is coming now to its end; goodnight!

Flying Back "Home"

Day 583 - I am on my way to the airport flying back "home" to see my older kids. It's been more than a year since I last visited and I am wondering how it will feel. The first few times I went back I stayed at home but now, more than two years later, I decided it is not the right thing to do anymore. It is not my home anymore, I have nothing to say to my ex and it is just not right. So I am going to stay with my best friend. It will also give us the opportunity to see each other and catch up. From all the people I left behind she is the only one I miss, other than my kids.
Getting ready for this flight I also had few more very important events. The first one has to do with my MF, I think I am going to break up with him. It is not that my feelings towards him changed, but there are certain behaviors that I will never accept again and it is the second time I see this. It sound too much like something that will turn into an abusive realationship and I am not going to be in a place like that ever again. I had it in my marriage and I was lucky to get out of it. I'll never be again in a place like that. Maybe there is an explanation, I don't know, but it feels so wrong. And if it feels wrong, it usually is. I am very sad because I like him very much and there  are so many good qualities in him but I don't even want to consider the "maybe". There are some things I'll never accept again. So this is the sad part. But in every departure there is also a grain of happiness. I left late at night and my daughter really wanted to see me so as I got to the train station she left the party she attended and came to spend some time with me. That was so nice and so sweet and it filled my heart with happiness. It is interesting that in the same day I see two very different ways to deal with departure. One like my MF a very disappointing one indeed and the other one, my daughter's way, much more than I expected, and it made me so happy and so appreciative of her efforts. I am trying to think if I am too harsh, if I expect too much but I really don't think this is the case. It is just a sad case of one more relationship that is going down the drain...

I am thankful to my daughter for being so sweet and so loving, it means the world to me. I am thankful every day for these two wonderful years we spend here together just the two of us, it is the most bonding experience one can have, and because of that every departure is so difficult. I am thankful I can recognize bad behavior when I see it and even more that I stopped giving excuses for it. I am thankful I am on my way to see my older kids. I didn't see them for more than half a year and I miss them so much!!

No More an Ugly Duckling

Day 582 - I met with the personal stylist today and for 8 hours we went shopping together, all the while she was explaining how to choose the right piece of close, what works for me and what not, how to play for good features and minimize attention to weak spots.she taught me how to make good combinations, to accessorize. and to top it all we went to one of the best hair dressers in the country and I got e killer haircut. So few hours, not too much money and a lot of patience on her part and out of the ugly duckling an amazing swan emerged. I am looking at myself in the mirror and i can barely recognize myself. after arriving home, i stood for two hours trying on everything again, making new combinations and adding more pieces from my wardrobe that fits the guidelines and can work well with my new close. I was so happy I wanted to show it to my MF, the one who is literally is responsible for this transformation, but he already left town for some family event he had to attend. So I'll have to be patient until tomorrow when we meet. I am not putting any picture on Facebook, because I want it to be a total surprise for my family. I want to knock them dead, when they see me. I am so happy, beyond words. It is amazing to see what a good haircut, a pair of well chosen glasses and a good outfit does to a woman. it not only makes me beautiful it also makes me feel so much more like a woman, it lifts my spirit to a level I never knew possible. It makes me promise myself never to walk around like I used to do, to always pay attention to my looks.

I am so thankful I decided to go with it, to give myself such an amazing gift. I am thankful beyond words to my MF who gently pushed me in the right direction, and even more so for the fact he reads me enough to know how to say it so I will not get insulted. I am thankful to the stylist for an amazing day where she shared her knowledge with me freely. I am thankful to everyone who took part in this endeavor; who  helped making it such a ground shaking event. I am thankful for an amazing day.     

Life is so Frail

Day 581 - one of the women in our painting club had a scary story to tell that is still hounting me two hours later. Few days ago her MF called her in the middle of the day that he really doesn't feel well and he think it's his heart. She rushed to his house and took him to the nearest hospital where it was confirmed it was a heart attack and they took him in and did cathettherization and inserted two stents. A night in the ICU and two more days in the hospital followed the procedure. We all know the guy, he is a member of our regular painting class. And regardless, this is such a scary story. We are getting to the age when our health is in decline, where pitfalls are awaiting us around the corner. I have a father who is 85 and a MF who is 65, these things are real and looming. Not a happy thought. Maybe it is time to make some serious changes to my eating and excercising habits, to my sleeping routine. Maybe this is the writing on the wall, for me for my close friends, for everyone - we should not take our body for granted, this is all we have. If it will fail we won't be able to go on even if we don't feel old or helpless. Maybe today can mark the beginning of a new life. I sure don't want to ignore the incident and go about my life as if business is as usual.

I am thankful for earth shattering event that I hope will leave its mark on me. I am thankful that our friend is OK, a little shaken but with no permanent damage. I am thankful all my loved ones are fine I am thankful I can worry about a painting and not about the odds of survival for my MF, as my friend had to do. I am thankful for a wonderful day and for a day full of promise that awaiting me tomorrow.

Breathe in Breathe out; Rethink

Day 580 - I was planning to write about the shopping I did for my upcoming trip. It is always a big part of traveling and visiting. But something came up that changed my plan. After the shopping spree I drove few miles out of our city to the next town to visit a friend that is leaving now for a few months. By the time I came back it was almost midnight. I didn't even want to call my MF in case he was asleep already; so I sent a text message instead. He is not as irresponsible as me about sleep time and I didn't want to wake him up. He called right away and we talked for a few minutes and then he made a comment that only a few days ago would hurt me because it played into all my insecurities, especially about this relationship. It was not a mean comment, or a bad one; he was just making light of our relationship and not admitting to the growing role it takes in both of our lives. But since it's all so new and I am still so afraid to open up and get hurt, every comment that puts it into doubt is very difficult for me to handle. But few more days passed, more affection passed between us, and I also did few more writings about it, thus making me stronger, a little more secure. I was able to laugh it off and say that I know he doesn't mean it, that we both know he actually means just the opposite, that he cares about me so much. And sure enough he laughed, like a child caught with his hand in the cookies jar, and admitted to it. It's such a small and insignificant incident, but it made me so happy. I am learning to question things, to listen to the undertone; he is a good teacher for me in so many ways. I learned that he is just as stressed as I am about us; that he is fighting for balance and some times he does it in a way I am not comfortable with. But if I am looking at things in the right way, with open mind and heart, if I actually listen to what he doesn't say but shows me in so many ways, than I cannot get hurt. And because I was able to do it tonight, instead of an uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomac, like last time I heard the same comment, we created a moment of intimacy and closeness. On the other hand, I have to realize he needs space, and allow for it; we are both struggling to find a balance between us and each one as an individual.
 
I am so thankful I am learning a different and more mature way to deal with misunderstanding and differences. I am thankful for yet another way to expand my boundaries. I am thankful for gifts I get in the most unexpected moments. I am thankful for his kindness and open-mindness. I am thankful for every day we spend together either on the phone or in person, it enriches my life in more ways than I thought possible. I am thankful for yet another wonderful day.

Testing My Boundaries From a Different Angle

Day 579 - checking in, checking out; will write more later.
And now is later. 
Few days ago my MF suggested I should get a killer hair cut and outfit for my upcoming trip. He is big on taking care of oneself; of self pampering and it is sure something I can learn from him, because I never do that. Thinking about his idea, I could see a lot of good coming out of it. I watched enough TV shows of "what not to wear" to know how much a total make over can do to a person and decided that he is absolutely right and I am going to take it a step further. So today I called a personal stylist and I set an appointment with her. We are going to cover hair, make up and even go shopping on our first meeting; and later she'll come to my house, go over my cloths and tell me what to keep and what not and also how to match them, what accessories to add and who knows what else. One thing for sure, it is going to be a major change; I wanted to write that my life is about to change but that is exaggeration, but I am in for a real treat I am sure about that and I am so happy I am giving myself this special gift. I can't wait for it to start.
   
I am thankful to him for coming up with such an awesome idea and for his sensitivity to present it to me in a way I was able to accept and embrace it. I am thankful I found in me the kindness to give myself such a special gift. I am thankful I am taking one more step in the direction of self discovery and opening up and I am so thankful to him for his help. It is so easy to judge people, even the ones closest to us, but once I was able to lift my gaze and see the bigger picture I get so many wonderful gifts; so I am especially thankful for all the little lessons his presence in my life give me the opportunity to receive. I am thankful for such an earth shuttering day.  

Hiking in a Stifling Heat

Day 578 – after a month off we had another hiking trip today. Since it is still the middle of the summer and it was especially hot day, we opted again for a water hike. We walked in the dry bed of the creek and after a short walk we started to encounter pools of very cold water. The rest of the hike was so much fun. We just played like little kids frolicking in the water, stripping to our underwear and just jump in. It was shaded and the water cold and we forgot all about the heat in the outside world; outside of this little heaven we were in. We spent several hours walking from pool to pool and near each one of the pools we undressed again and jumped in. A short hike that can take about two hours took us more than 5 but it was sooo much fun. I keep saying that but with every hike we do together we become better friends; we are more comfortable with each other and can do more stupid things and that’s half the fun; today probably brought us to a new level.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful hike with great company and so much laughter and silliness. I am thankful for this wonder group of people that are becoming my intimate circle. I am thankful for friendships forged while hiking; we are sweating together, helping each other every step of the way. I am thankful I found this group, that I can hike with them; that hiking can be such a major part of my life.       

Upwards Momentum

Day 577 – Yesterday I was sure that it is almost over. Too many red lights were flashing in the dark. And the problem is I really like him and I don’t want to let go, I want to try a little harder and see if we can find a way to make it work. We are different in so many ways, but he has so many wonderful qualities that are making it hard to just give up. We are both very smart, we both like and appreciate each other very much, so maybe we can find a way. No rush decisions are necessary, that for sure. And today we spend a whole day together and it was so wonderful. We drove to a place we were sure will be almost empty, a very tranquil and beautiful place and we planned to spend a few hours there, but alas we were not the only people with this brilliant idea and it was so full we decided to scratch the plan. But even though the day did not transpire the way we planned, it was so nice to spend time together, easily taking and laughing. Even when we meet during the week it is always so late since I am working and I have classes and he has classes and we are always so tired. So it is nice to spend a relaxed day, just enjoying each other’s company and it makes me think that some of the things I was concerned about were just from being too tired. It made me think that it is not looming as I felt yesterday. That maybe tomorrow will be OK too. Or better yet, that maybe I should allow myself to enjoy today instead of worry about tomorrow. And today was good, very good and that’s the only thing that is real; everything else is just in my head, memories, worries, concerns. They are all in my head and not in the real world. So at least for a while I am going to allow myself to enjoy the moment without thinking long term. I allow myself to enjoy this special time with him and learn so many important lessons. Allow myself to really open up and hope I will not get hurt. Mood swings, I guess is all part of loving someone, it’s the vulnerability that comes with it that speaks.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful day we spend together. I am thankful for my vulnerability; it means that for the first time since I left home I found someone I care about deeply. I am thankful I find in me the resolve to stay when the going gets a little rough and fight for it instead of giving up. I am thankful I found my match; someone that challenges me and makes me re-evaluate and think; think all the time.          

In a Pensive Mood

Day 576 - the interesting thing about being in a relationship is that it makes me realize and define my priorities. Since there are no two people that like exactly the same things and think alike in all situations there are bound to be conflicts. There are situations when I want one thing and my partner wants another; I want to do something and he doesn't or vise versa. It happened before of course, but then I could blame it on a deteriorating marriage and not think of it for what it is - two different people trying to find a way to live together, to find common ground. So how much can we be different and still be OK with it? How much can we like different things, different activities? How much can  each of us do his/her own thing and still keep this so brittle web from breaking? How much is too much? I have to learn tolerance to ideas and wants different than mine; I have to learn that, yes I can be wonderful but too much; that my partner can be wonderful but still drive me through the roof.  And most of all I have to learn what are the things I can accept, what are my red lines and what I don't like but I can live with; how much I am ready to compromise because I really like my partner?  And when is it that I am starting to give up parts of me again for this to work. All valid questions, not to everything I have answers but it sure puts a mirror to my face and forces me to look long and hard into my soul and search for answers. I am confused right now; trying to redefine and be flexible without loosing myself. I am so lucky to have my  friends and most of all my daughter to tell me if I've gone too far. I am still so excited about this relationship that is such a big part of my life right now; and I so want to see it working, even if just for a while, just so I'll know again how it feels to love a man and to be loved by him. I miss this feeling so much, it's been so many years... A pensive evening, no answers just so many disturbing questions and a looming concern that it might be heading in the wrong direction.
   
I am thankful I met him, no matter what the future has for us; it was a wonderful gift and I am so thankful for every moment we shared, for every moment still in store for us; there are really no words to express all the goodness this relationship brought into my life. I am thankful I have the courage to question situations; it's so easy to close my eyes and pretend all is well, but it is not right. I am thankful for a wonderful evening first watching yet another beautiful sunset on the beach and later going to dinner with my daughter. I am thankful for one more day here with all the gifts it brings in its path. 

My Bad Sleep Habits

Day 575 – In reflexology today I got reprimanded for not sleeping enough, for neglecting my body and I know it’s true. I am too easy on giving up sleep and any reason is a good enough reason to sleep less. So I decided that tonight I am going to be really good about that. I am going to write my blog right now and then take a shower and go to sleep. I hope to be in bed by 10:30 pm which will give me almost 8 hours of sleep. Not too bad at all. Now the question is why I do that and I have no good answer, just a very bad habit that I don’t find in me the will power to break. So I am not making any promises, but I want to try to be better about it. I know it is unhealthy and one day my body will not be able to do it anymore. I am burning the candle on both sides and as I get older it is more of a stupid thing to do. My reserves are getting smaller and if I want to go strong for many more years I have to make sure I give my body what it needs – healthy food choices and adequate sleep are the top two but of course there are few more things I have to pay attention to. I have to find a way to stick with it this time and not to make again all these big plans and a week later let it all slide again. I have to learn how to arrange my life in more manageable pieces, so it will not be overwhelming. I have to do a lot of thinking. But right now the most important one is to get into a better sleeping routine. It is all part of self-care, so it should be so easy, but for some reason it is so very hard for me. But not today; at least today I am going to be a good girl and stop writing right now and post this blog and go to sleep.

  

I am thankful for this eye opening talk about sleep. I am thankful that at least today I will hit the pillow in a normal hour. I am thankful for every little change I make, for every act of kindness towards myself; there where many years I didn’t do any and so every little thing counts for so much. I am thankful for a wonderful day.     

Sick Day

Day 574 – I got sick today in the middle of the day, so I left work early. I got home, started a chicken soup and went to sleep. By early evening I was feeling a little better already, and being me, I got bored from working the computer so I decided to work on my last painting some more. I brought it as far as I can without an input from my teacher but I think it is about done. It was wonderful and I really enjoyed working on it, as always. But it was still early and so I started cleaning my house at the beginning only the bathroom and then the kitchen and then I decided to sweep the floor all over the apartment and before I knew it I was washing floors and cleaning counters. So I ended very tired but I have so much to show for the day – few hours of sleep, a chicken soup, a painting and a clean house and let’s not forget about two hours on the phone with a friend. It was a very busy day. I am feeling much better by now and I hope the worst is over. I kept thinking how wonderful a sick day is, I accomplished so much but in second thought I can so it every day – it is totally up to me.   

  

I am thankful I can enjoy even a day I was sick; I am thankful for all the things I managed to do today. I am thankful for my health, for my friends, for heart to heart talks and for some rare and very flattering complements. I am very tired now, so back to sleep I am thankful I can go to sleep no, that I rested so much.

Some Heart to Heart Talks

Day 573 - I went to the hospital to be with my friend at her mom's bedside. It is the same hospital where my daughter was hospitalized a year and a half ago, and even the same ward; too close to home apparently. My eyes welled up and I was a little shaken. But I got better after a few minutes and spend few hours with my friend talking. These are difficult times for her, trying to cope with the bad news that might be only days away, and on top of it she still has to work on other issues that don't take vacation just because she cannot handle it right now. In short it was so good for her to have some company and to be able to purge some of the pressure. And I was so happy I was able to be there with her and for her. That I could help her in her time of need. We always say that this friendship is such a precious gift for both of us. That it took separating from my ex for us finally to get so close. And it is such a gift. Both of our lives are richer for having that. Still these are hard times for her as her as her mom's health is declining and she is inching towards the end. It is so sad to witness it.

I am thankful for this friendship I value so much. I am thankful for a very long heart to heart talk we had in the ward and later for over an hour after we already left the facility. I am thankful I was able to give some of my strength to support her at a time like this. I am thankful for wisdoms I got during the last two years and I can pay it forward. I am thankful for a very moving talk I had with my GF today that touched a very deep cord in both of our hearts. I am thankful for such a powerful and heart moving day.

Analyzing A Painting Class

Day 572 – How do we make each day count? How do we set them apart when all I do is go to work every day where most days nothing really exciting happens there? I cannot keep writing about the same things week after week. Another painting class, another tour guides class, or can I? True, it is again a painting class but no two classes are the same. Take for example today. I had a friend who came to visit until the class started and it turned out she knows my teacher. They met several times in art shows that my friend likes to attend. Or the fact that it was a full house today. We were 5 girls and as it turned out this is the most we can accommodate and still have enough space to move around and paint. We all know each other and at some point during this master class they were here but not all of us together; and it was a very special experience. There is a very special and very positive energy in this group setting and the fact we are doing it here at my house makes it so much more everyone loves it and we are all sorry it is almost over. Next week will be our last session and then we will resume it in September back at the studio with the whole group. It is sad to think it’s over; I had a great time, we all did and we feel it was so worth it. I even talked to one of my friends to keep working here after the class is over, just the two of us. Or take the pictures we paint. There is this girl who joined us during this summer workshop; she started with pencils like all of us but she already did today her first color painting, and it came out so beautiful. Or another one who is so good she usually paint two large size canvases in one session, whereas most of us won’t even finish one painting every 2 or 3 classes. And then there is the one who paint with so much attention to details it takes her few sessions to finish, but her paintings are exquisite; so delicate and beautiful. And there is one who is the only one of us still married and is a mother to three young children; it is always a struggle for her to come to our class but she probably needs this time off more than any of us and she is so talented it is a real pleasure to see her paintings unfold. And then there is me. And I love to paint and I find so much calm and peace in this class, and regardless if I am talented or not, I found a place and a way to reach down into my soul and bring out of it a very fresh and creative side of me. And I love it dearly. Just the thought of not painting for two weeks, while I’m away, makes me sad. In short, it might sound the same but it never is. Every session is different, every meeting is very unique and everything we get out of the locked compartments of our soul is giving us so much more freedom and happiness.

 

I am thankful for a wonderful painting class; probably the best we had so far. I am thankful for a real progress I made with my paintings. I am thankful we get to know each other in such a different way; we get to hear real life stories of each one of us. Today I even read a poem during our break, as did our teacher. I am thankful for a day that sound like routine but was anything but routine; for a wonderful day.            

Getting Drunk

Day 571 – I went out with my daughter around noon time for coffee. We had a long talk about boys and their role in our lives; about disappointments and broken hearts; about how callous one should be while choosing a mate. In short a very depressing conversation. At some point I was really feeling bad already. What advise can I give her when I cannot make any good choice? When every time I think I might found the right guy things are starting to shake again and I see another house of cards fall into ruins. How can I tell her what way to go when I have no clue? Is there really any solution to this equation? If there is, it is hiding from me; I am clueless. As tears started their way up I asked her if she wants to get drunk. She loved the idea; and we agreed that as always, it is 5pm somewhere on the planet right now, so we are golden. She ordered margarita, and I mojito. We also ordered a large order of fries and water. But it was early and I have almost zero tolerance for alcohol (which is a family joke since everyone else in the family can hold their alcohol very well) and this one drink was enough for me to get a major buzz. I don’t think I was really drunk, I don’t think it’s even possible, but I did have the biggest buzz I ever had. And so we sat there and talked and laughed and the atmosphere definitely got better. I don’t think we had any better solutions but it was not so pressing anymore; and she got to see me as close to drunk as she ever did and it made her very happy. And I had a lot of fun as well. It is several hours later, I am not any smarter about how to make relationships work, but I am not going to worry about it now. I know the real one will come only if I will stop looking for it and so I am not going to look for Mr. Right any more. Is this relationship I have right now going to survive? I am not sure. Too many question marks are popping in the past few days. And I am flying for two weeks to visit my children, which will put more stress on it; but only time will tell. Maybe we can still do something with it; maybe we can still make it as nice as it looked few weeks ago. But I am OK no matter what. I don’t need a relationship to define me, only to add value and if it doesn't then I don’t need it. And today I am so happy I got to spend time with my daughter and even to get really frustrated and sad. it’s all part of the complex people we are, it’s all part of the love and respect we have for each other.

 

I am thankful I got to spend such special time with my daughter. I am thankful for the first time in my life I got even close to being drunk. I am thankful for candid talk, for her trust. I am thankful for low moments, for sad moments; for all the ups and downs of life. I am thankful for this long weekend we got to spend together. And I am thankful for some uneasy truths I try too many times to hide from my conscience self that surface at times like that.      

Girls' Power

Day 570 – (I was so tired i forgot to press the "post" button and discovered it only many hours later. Ooops...)
This the evening I went with my daughter to meet two friends from work from a different office who are here only for a few days; it was us them and two more work friends from our very own office. All except one were also last night at the girls' evening so the atmosphere was already warm and friendly. We met them at the hotel for Sabbath dinner that was excellent,  and the conversation was flowing. When they closed the restaurant we moved to the lobby and we kept going for a very long time. Some of the conversation was very serious, personal hurts and pains from the past, some that never heal; but after we covered this subject the atmosphere became lighter and we were laughing, making jokes and just have really good time. By the time we got home it was after 1 am. I am not used to evening like these but it is a lot of fun and I am so happy for that.  

I am thankful for a fun filled evening. I am thankful I didn’t have to choose between them or my daughter and we all hung out together. I am thankful for a fun filld day – going to the beach and tanning, and a special evening to top it. I am thankful for a very special day.   

Girls' Party

Day 569 - one of my friends from work decided to have a party in her new apartment, a girls' party. She invited about 20 women. Each one brought some food or wine and we had a blast. It is my first home party since I moved here and I really enjoyed it. It was a mix of her work friends and other friends so I had all my work friends there and it was a lot of fun to meet outside of the office and see a very different side of us, just hang out and enjoy some time together. I used to throw parties every year when I lived abroad for a much larger crowd in our backyard. In the last few years there, as our marriage deteriorated, I didn't feel like doing it anymore. But I think that now is the right time to start again. I want to have a party, a girls party, just like the one I had tonight, and I want to have dinner in my house every once in a while. I love it and there's no reason not to start doing it. So I think something good is going to come out of tonight's party, something very good; a shift in my attitude. This is not a temporary situation, this is my new life, and I should start developing some rituals that will make me happy, like Sabbath dinners and parties and more ideas as they'll come.
 
I am thankful for a wonderful party tonight, I had a blast. I am thankful to my friend for having this party and for inviting me to join it. I am thankful to my friends who made it such a success. I am thankful it made me rethink some of my actions and hopefully opened some new horizons, new possibilities for me. I am thankful, like every day, for another wonderful day.

A Serious Talk About Relationships

Day 568 – opps - I somehow posted the wrong entry, a one from few days ago. It comes to show how tires I was yesterday night when I did it. The problems is that I am at work right now and I can't post the right one until the evening when I'll be back home. So my appologies, and please come back in about 10 hours and you'll know more about this serious talk I had with my daughter about relationships. It was such a great evening and she is the only one who can really open my eyes to my blind spots, to behaviors and issues I neglect to see. So even before I post here the correct entry I am thankful to my amazing daughter for who she is, and for our very special relations; I am so blessed to have that as part of my life.

so here goes the right entry:

Day 568 – my daughter was a little sick in the past few days and today she came back home, a day early. At 10:00pm, coming back from some shopping, we decided we are hungry and went for a very late evening dinner. It is always something we really love here – you can go out and eat so late, actually the restaurant was packed. And we live in a sleepy city; in the big city you have to wait for sitting for a long time even at 1:00 am! It’s a city that never sleeps. But in our city at 11:30 the restaurant was half empty and the street are not as packed as they were at 10:00pm. We had a very long discussion about relationships and about being able to commit to it; about keeping the back door open, the escape route and actually how to try and make sure we don’t do that. It is not easy; as we collect battle scars we are less open, more afraid. And we are very good at giving ourselves a narrative that is not accurate; sometime it is straight not true. I was surprised at some of the things she told me since I had such a different picture of myself and my behavior. I know it all she said came from a very loving and caring place and I take it as such, as a loving and constructive act. Looking at some of my behaviors, or at least my thoughts I realized I was not fair in my latest relationship and had an agenda, even if it was not clear to me and my agenda was to prove it cannot work, even when on the surface I wanted it to work. I guess I want the fuzzy and warm feeling of having someone again in my life, but on the other hand, I am so afraid it will not work that I am looking under every rock for an excuse, a reason. And my decision tonight - I am not hiding behind anything anymore. I am ready to tell myself I want to rebuild my life and part of it is to find a partner again.

 

I am thankful my daughter is here tonight. I am thankful for a wonderful conversation that opened my eyes and my heart a little more. I am thankful for an amazing talk I had with my GF this morning, more or less about the same things; it is not a given we can talk on such high level of candidness and honesty and still keep feeling safe. I am thankful for a wonderful day and for a goodnight sleep that is coming my way so very soon.    

My Art Teacher

Day 567– another Tuesday and another painting class. It is always such a pleasure I never get tired of it. My teacher had some ideas about how to go with my latest painting and it's really interesting. At the beginning I just took his advices, I did not understand what's going on, what's the right way to continue, what is missing; where is the whole thing going. I could see other students, more advanced than me discussing things with him but I didn't get it; I just did whatever suggestion he had and it always improved the picture, so I was very satisfied. But now things are different, especially with my last few pictures. I suddenly broke through a barrier in my mind by going abstract, and apparently I also touched a very deep cord in my soul. Now I have opinions, now I feel if something can make it better or not. Now I listen to what he has to say but then we go into a discussion. I didn't even realize this is going on until our lesson this evening. He felt I have to touch few places to make the composition stronger, I agreed that it is not done yet but we had a whole discussion about the "what". In the past he'd ask for the brush and touch the painting where he thought it needed it; now he wanted to do that but I told him not to, I'll do it myself; it has to be my way, my touch. He suggested adding something black on the left side of the picture to balance the rings on the right and I agreed but not where he thought I should add it and not the way he thought and I am very happy with the end result. I don't know how the picture would have looked had I take his suggestions; but the truth is it's OK with me. I know how it really looks and this is how it resonates better with me; so for me it is the right way. This is not coming from disrespect, on the contrary, I respect his insight and talent and I listen with very open mind to everything he has to say; but I am the final editor and I make improvements, but in a way that it works with my harmony, my heart. And I learn so much in the process. He always explain where the problems are coming from, talks about balance and answers in different parts of the picture and it makes me look at it in a very different way, in a more critical eye. And I absolutely love it. I think I learn the most out of these discussions.

  

I am thankful, once again, to this amazing gift in my life; for the ability I found in me to pour my heart on a canvas and rejoice in it, or cry with it; just be there, totally in the moment. I am thankful for my teacher's guidance every step of the way; I would not be able to be in the place I am today without his amazing ability to teach and listen and guide so patiently, with so much gentleness. I am thankful for this summer workshop; it is an experience like no other; both for us we get to know each other on a very different level of intimacy, and on a more artistic level – with such a close tutelage we learn so much more than we'd ever be able to learn in a class. I am thankful, so very thankful for all these gifts I am receiving on a daily basis; I feel so blessed.  

An Art Show

Day 566 – at some point I have to find a balance between togetherness and alone time; between a blossoming relationship and the rest of my life. I have to find a way to include all the facets of my life otherwise I might fall again in the same pitfalls I had before; I cannot loose myself just because I enjoy this warm and fuzzy feeling long forgotten. We are both struggling with it right now. But if we cannot find a way to do that we won’t last very long - too much of a good thing is still too much. I had to fight long and hard to find who I am and what I want, to find my own path and I don’t want to ever lose it again. So today, since we spend all of yesterday together, we have alone time. After work I went to see an art show where my art teacher is one of the artists on display, and I stayed there for a long time. Now that I am also painting, I am looking at an art show with a very different eye; I am checking techniques, “how did he make it look like water”, “how did she make the bark of the tree so real”. I am looking at themes and compositions,  at different ways to present a subject, different approaches to reality; in short I am looking the artist’s way, with my heart and my eyes; and I love this new way to look at it, the more personal and observing way. I even wrote in the visitors’ book, something I never did before, because now I realize how scary it is to put oneself out like that and how important every positive feedback is. It makes me so happy to be able to look at a show this way and enjoy it so much more because of that. I also got today in the mail an invitation to another art show and I loved the picture they put on the cover so much; and again I looked at it with astonishment how she made the foam of the waves on the beach so real; I think I’ll try to do that tomorrow in my painting class. I loved the moodiness of the picture and the dreaminess I love this kind of atmosphere; a perfect one for me, if I can only find a way to bring it from the eye and head to the brushes and the canvas.  

  

I am thankful for a day full of art; a food for my soul. I am thankful I managed to have a day full of excitement. I am thankful I have as much art in my life as I want; I am thankful for all the gifts it brings to me. I am thankful I have someone in my life I so want to be with, that I have to force myself to stay away some times. I am thankful for all the blessings in my life.

My First Yoga Class in Three Years

Day 565 - My GF (instead of boyfriend) told me about a yoga class he is taking that is very good. So I decided to come to one class and see if I like the way they do it. Yoga is something very personal so if the is no chemistry with the teacher and if you don't like the way they teach it cannot work. I love yoga, I did it for years when I lived abroad but the last year there was too tolling on me and I stopped practicing. And now since I moved here, I didn't come back to it yet. So I made sure it is ok with him if I'll be in the same class, which he assured me it was, and I left work a little early today to get to class on time. It is a begginers class but after three years I am really a beginner once again. My body just lost so much strength and flexibility (which was not great to begin with). Never the less, it was such a great class and such a great feeling. I forgot how good the body feels after a yoga session, I could feel how I walk taller and with a straighter back, how I breath deeper and better. I could feel the deep relaxation, yet full presence feeling that follow a good yoga class. I love it so much; I don't know how I let it slip out of my life, but I am bringing it back.
 
I am thankful for finding this great practice again, for a great class and great rewards it brings with it. I am thankful to my GF for telling me about it, for encouraging me to join it too. I am thankful for yoga class, for a great evening on the beach with him, for great and intelectually challenging discussions; I love it about him. I am thankful for amazing gifts that are so abundant in my life it sometimes leaves me breathless; I feel so blessed and I am so thankful for that.

Painting From My Heart

Day 564 – It was a slow day today. By the time I went to sleep this morning it was already 5 am and the truth is I could not fall asleep so it was even later and for some unknown reason I woke up at 7am. i tried to make up some of the lost sleep during the day but not much. When my daughter left to meet with some friends instead of going to sleep I started painting and I finished several hours later when she came back. But during that time I took a paining I started last Wednesday and had no idea where I am going with it and I created something I am very pleased with. Unlike last week I am not sure it is done yet and I have few more days to look at it and decide but even now I like how it came out and the direction my paintings are taking; very abstract, just a lot of colors and movement. I still don’t know how I will go from there but it makes me very happy to see these latest painting and to know I had to break so many barriers in order to make them. I had to find in me a place that doesn’t ask for explanations, a place that is ready to feel and vibrate; to think on different wave length. I had to abandon logic which is huge for me and agree to let my imagination and my heart take over. These are painting without words, thus from the other side of my brain, from another part of my heart and I am so happy I managed to connect to it. And the most important thing here is that it is totally my creativity and imagination; I didn’t see it anywhere. And this, by all means is something very important; because no matter if I am talented or not, the artist in me found a voice and a way out, after so many years of being blocked.

  

I am thankful for a quiet day after the very busy last two days. I am thankful I had time to paint; I love it so much and it gives me so much peace and happiness. I am thankful I found a voice of my own and I am creating something out of nothing. I am thankful the blocked artist is blocked no more. I am thankful for an amazing weekend of music and paintings and the wonderful company of my daughter.    

An Amazing Concert

Day 563 – We attended the second concert in the desert. And tonight it was "The Project of Idan Reichel" and it was absolutely amazing. I have the CDs of this show but a live performance of it is infinitely better. The energy, the enthusiasm of the 14 members group and the connection with the sold out crown brought it to a totally different level. This is a good enough reason to buy a ticket and drive 3 hours in the middle of the night back home, nothing can  compare to the performance of last night; it was such an amazing and uplifting performance. He is such a talented musician and every artist on stage contribute to this electrifying experience; there are no words to describe it. You have to be there to understand. Just a big wow!! We drove back home after the show and it is now almost 5am now so this is a very short entry, I have to wake up in less than 4 hours, but as I said it was totally worth it – the amazing performance as well as the wonderful setting of a concert in the desert. I will do it again next year, for sure.

 

I am thankful for an amazing night of so much energy and so much talent on one stage. I am thankful I finally got to see a performance of this group; I listened to the CDs and knew how great they are but it’s nothing like witnessing it firsthand. I am thankful to my daughter for an amazing weekend we spent together, it was so very special and I am so thankful she was willing to do that. I am thankful I can go to sleep now, even if only for a short time and that it is Saturday so I will have a chance to make up the missing hours later in the day. 

Concert in the Desert

Day 562 - it is a special holiday here today called The Holiday of Love. I will not go into the explanations of the origin and all but will mention the fact that it is a night of a full moon and there are many outdoors musical events all over the country. I decided to go with my daughter to one of them - a performance by Mati Caspi and a female singer named Riki Gal. I saw Mati Caspi only few weeks ago with the man I'm seeing, but it was with a different singer as a companion so a very different set of songs and a very different atmosphere. Besides it is an outdoors event in the desert, under a full moon and with my beloved daughter - I wouldn't miss it for the world. And tomorrow there is in the same place another performance by Idan Reichel so we are going to see two amazing artists in one weekend. The performance was great, the setting very pleasant and we even put to a good use the new folding beach chairs I just bought. But I have to admit the one I saw few weeks ago was better - more energy, more chemistry between the performers and more talent; not Mati Caspi, he is great as always, but I am not such a big fan of Riki Gal. We are spending the night at my parent's and tomorrow night, after the show we'll drive back home. I am so happy we came here for this exciting weekend. Originally my guy friend (how the hell am I suppose to call him, boyfriend sounds so silly for a guy over the age of 60, doesn't it?) was suppose to come too but change of plans in his family prevented him from doing that, I hope we will have another chance to go to a desert concert, it is such a special experience.


I am thankful for such a wonderful day. I am thankful for a very special experience of a concert in the desert. I am thankful for a day I got to spend with my daughter. I know it is the last thing she wants to do - staying in the desert of an extra day and a half, and I am really thankful to her, knowing well she did it in order to spend time with me.