Not in My Own Words but So True!!

Day 194 - I just found this amazing poem by David Gray and it touched me so much. So today it is not in my own words, but it sure feels like it comes from my heart as well.

Shine        by David Gray

I can see it in your eyes
What I know in my heart is true
That our love it has faded
Like the summer run through
So we'll walk down the shoreline
One last time together
Feel the wind blow our wanderin' hearts Like a feather
But who knows what's waiting
In the wings of time
Dry your eyes
We gotta go where we can shine


Don't be hiding in sorrow
Or clinging to the past
With your beauty so precious
And the season so fast
No matter how cold the horizon appear
Or how far the first night
When I held you near
You gotta rise from these ashes
Like a bird of flame
Step out of the shadow
We've gotta go where we can shine


For all that we struggle
For all we pretend
It don't come down to nothing
Except love in the end
And ours is a road
That is strewn with goodbyes
But as it unfolds
As it all unwinds
Remember your soul is the one thing
You just can't compromise
Take my hand
We're gonna go where we can shine
We're gonna go where we can shine
We're gonna go where we can shine


(and look, and look)
Through the windows of midnight
Moonfoam and silver


I am thankful for all the changes in my life that enabled me to shine again.
nothing else to say...

The Most Challenging Cave Climbing

Day 193 – it was a very hot day today and since our hiking group leader did not feel like giving up just because of that, he suggested we will climb down and up again the deepest cave in our country and the most challenging one. We figured that deep down the earth in a cave full of stalactites and stalagmites where water is constantly dripping from the ceiling and along the walls it will be nice and cool. It was actually chilly at times. It is a very technical climb since it is very narrow at places and boulders that fell all over and we have to maneuver around them, and there is this big drop all the time to our left that one unsure step and send us there (well there was a little railing and that point but the gaps were so big between the rungs that we’re still not sure if it would hold us. And now add to it complete darkness – we all had head flashlights, which was a great idea – and add also the wet soil under our feet that created a clay like substance so we hiked slipping and sliding, holding well to one latch before letting go of the previous and all helping each other how to maneuver the tightest or more complicate spots. In places we had to climb down metal rungs, at others we had to slid or crawl, lie on our back or hug boulders.  In short it was awesome!! This was the most challenging climb I ever did and I loved every minute of it. We came out of it covered in mud hands, legs and butts and it was wonderful. It took us three hours to go all the way to the bottom and back up and it is very interesting to realize that the challenges going down are completely different than the ones we faced going up. The first is about not losing our footing and not skidding, the latter is about pulling ourselves up, mostly with our arms, and if you think about it philosophically, it is so true every vintage point along our journey gives us a fresh and totally different angle on a situation or an event.

I just came home about an hour ago and took my little dog for a walk and now I am done with my blog and can go, take a shower and crush.

I am thankful for an amazing day. I am thankful for the most challenging cave I ever climbed. I am thankful because now every hiking challenge will be doable. I am thankful that in the middle of a very hot summer day we found our cool little oasis of quiet, calm. I am thankful for the most special coffee I ever had – made at the bottom of that cave it was the coolest thing ever!

Dancing the Night Away

Day 192 – I had such a wonderful day!! I got my living room furniture (a.k.a. couch) in the morning and I love it; I took an hour stroll with my dog and she loves it too; I went to the Friday afternoon party in the harbor area that is always a lot of fun and today they had a great singer that I love her stuff and I never saw her in a live performance and it was great, she is really doing great job as a live performer and her energy is amazing; I met a dear friend of mine there and so we had an hour and a half to chat and listen to good music so again, much fun, even though I think we should go for coffee after that (instead I drove to the beach to see the sunset); and the day ended in a dancing party until the wee hours of the night. I just came back and it is almost 3 am, I have to wake up in 4 hours to go on a trip, but it was so worth it. I didn’t go to a dance party in such a long time and I LOVED it. I keep talking about how much I love dancing, how much I love music and I can’t believe that in all the years I lived abroad I barely did that. Well, it gives one more special aspect to being here. So it was a singles club for 45+ and so the people were our age (I went with a friend – we figured it will be easier even if we don’t know anyone we can still dance with each other) and the music – good oldies music and of course, we didn’t have to worry about having someone to dance with – so overall a great evening. I just hope my knees will not hurt too much tomorrow. And it was so funny to see people trying to hit on me – I’m so not used to it. At this point of the game it just amuses me, but it’s good to know that maybe one day …

I am thankful for a great day, for so many things that were so nice and filled today with great energy and fun. But if I have to pick one thing to be thankful for it will be the dance party. I danced non-stop for 4 hours – better than any gym and so much more fun. And I even learned to dance the tango and few line dances, even if I am not ready yet for a salsa club, and definatly I don't look like the one in the picture J   

Some Thoughts about Writing

Day 191 – I’m writing now twice a day in the morning and I wake up especially for that at 5:30am, I am doing my 3 pages as per the program. At night, just before going to sleep, I am writing this blog. It is the beginning and the end of my day. One is more looking forward and the other – a summary. But it doesn’t have to be this way. It was meant to be just a way to touch my sub-conscious, and empty my head of the clutter. The blog is really a summary; a celebration for another day I woke up did my things, thought my thoughts and am about to go to bed. It designed to look at the highlights of my every day, the highlights of my life, as they unfold. To make sure that days will not blend into each other and each day will take its special place in the continuum that stretches in front of my very eyes. Every day with its little victories, each day with its special flavor; It became my journal, and I enjoy so much going back and reading it. So what was it today? The whole week I am planning to go to a beginner’s class for folk dances but for one reason or another, I didn’t do it. And today on my way back from work I did stop, as planned, in one of the places that offer the class, just to find out they don’t run it right now. But it was not in vain, first since making the first step is a celebration by itself, and also they had a display of painting that obviously where done by students, some of them really good – a second artist date in a week. And I found out that a new class with the same artist will start in September. I am not good at painting, but I think I’m in regardless. It is a good skill and a great way to touch my creativity.

And the last thing is that I started working on my book. I put the black whole intro and now I am actually working on the material. I finished the first chapter and I moved to the second. And again I really enjoy all these activities that are for my soul. I am making changes of course and editing, but I will keep the energy and the fresh eye untouched.

I am so thankful for a very productive and creative day. The funny thing is that I didn’t know it will turn out this way; I was very tired and at 8 pm was ready to check out. I am so thankful I did not allow the temptation to take over, that I am still awake, two hours later but with so much work of the heart done and I feel really good about it.

An Artist Date

Day 190 – I’m still doing the program. Woke up again early and had a very good and enriching writing session. And I had an idea about how to start the book which I like very much – black holes theory. And throughout the book add physical theories to support the story – inertia, activation energy, gravity, relativity, and end it with quantum leap. It helps me bring things into focus, make it less about pain and more about logic.
The second thing I did for my program today was to go on an “artist date”. I go to a place that will stimulate my senses, or I buy some art supplies and make something – put my artist side into action. So I went to an art supplies store and bought some supplies – starts and colored sticks, and beads and glue and of course a board to glue it all on and for the next hour and a half, maybe even two hours I was playing and gluing and designing my project. It is not and was not meant to be an master piece, but I had a lot of fun getting in touch with this funny and playful side of me, and create something totally mine. And I was so at the moment for all the time I was working – a very unique opportunity.
I am thankful for a fun evening, artistic and flimsy and just fun. I am thankful for getting in touch with my inner artist, even if not a master piece. I am thankful for the book I am developing, for every step I am taking of opening my heart to the artist in me. I am thankful that creativity brings calm and focus with it, not at all what one would expect. I am thankful for every moment of my life being lived at the moment, when I am fully preset. It is the right way to live.

Recovering a Sense of Safety

Day 189 – I woke up really early today – at 4:30 am because I had to do my 3 pages writing before I took my daughter to the bus station. But I was very happy that even though I really disliked that early wake up, I didn’t even hesitated before setting up my alarm clock to that ungodly hour. I know you don’t acquire a new habit overnight, but after a few weeks it will become part of my routine, just like this blog. And as I said few days ago, I am committing myself to that program. Twelve weeks means until the 15^th of October, and I am already 3 days into it. I find it easy to write, I love it and it sure clears my mind. So this week we are working on “recovering a sense of safety”. I have to identify my “hall of shame” people – those who helped me to lose confidence in my artistic ability, those who belittled my work. I also have to identify my “Hall of Fame” people, those who encouraged me to go on, that I am a good writer. In the chapter she also gives extra homework every week and I am doing that as well. It requires some soul searching and some extra writing, that I skipped yesterday, since I wanted to spend all the time I got with my daughter before she leaves today, but the only thing I have to do every day are the morning pages, which I do, the rest I just have to finish during the week. And so  I took care of it today, all except the artist date – I have to take the artist in me for a date. To see something that is artistic, stimulation, different, intriguing - my pick. I am still thinking of where should I go this week – any ideas will be welcomed!! Maybe I’ll go to a gallery or an art store – I’ll let you know in the next two days where I decided to go.
I am thankful I have this extra time I can use for self-discovery, I know I had times when it was the last thing I could this of, so I am very thankful that now I have the time as well as the mindset to start and commit to finish this program. I did not regain a sense of safety yet, but I did make few important discoveries about me as an artist. I am thankful for the phone call from my daughter- she is doing great and is so happy – a very special thank you to whoever finally help to resolve her situation.  

The Wait is Over

Day 188 – Since her injury and surgery my daughter was waiting to get back to the service. It took a very long time, too long in our opinion, but at last tomorrow she is going back. The waiting period was very difficult for her, mainly because she didn’t know how long it will last so she could make no plans and she could do nothing because, like it actually happened, she was told they might call her from one day to the next. She was elated. The waiting is over and she is very excited about her new job. And so we went tonight to celebrate to one of our favorite restaurants in town, we had some bubbly wine and over all very festive evening. Then we went to buy few last moment things she wanted to take with her and we are calling it a night pretty early since she has to leave very early in the morning. I am going to miss this wonderful period that just ended tonight. It was so much fun having her with me so much. Her presence alone made my days so much brighter, but I also know how difficult it was for her, seeing all her friends in the military and she is not, it was so frustrating. So now her wait is over and she can re-start this important chapter in her life and do it her way.
I am thankful the time had finally come. I am thankful to see my daughter so excited and ready to go back. I am thankful she had this time to fully recover from her hair dye trauma, to get her driving license, and recover from her knee injury. I am thankful for these last few months we got to spend together so much time. I am thankful to see her spreading her wings again and ready to fly.  

Modern Technology

Day 187 – I just got a picture of my granddaughter. She is there with her moms and meeting my ex for brunch this morning. She looks so sweet and she grew so much since I last saw her. I am so far away and will see her so seldom, I will not really be a part of her life and it makes me very sad. But I really don’t see any way around it. I hope that when I’ll come to visit next time or the time after I will be able to see her significantly more, but still I will be the absentee grandmother that she won’t remember. This is part of the price we all pay for living so far apart, that we are not really in each other’s life any more. But it is something we created many years ago, when we decided to leave our country and live elsewhere. We created this gap of broken and split identity in our kids and in us. And at the end of the day I can’t see myself living my whole life there. I wanted to come back here, but my kids feel more at home there. There is no point in looking back, in asking the questions if it was the right move to leave and move there. It is all non-relevant. We have a situation that is not ideal and it seems it might stay like that for a very long time, maybe forever. A family on both sides of the globe; grandchildren I’ll barely know; children I will slowly grow apart from. A sad reality that I am not sure at the moment how to solve, if it is possible to solve at all. But regardless, I am so happy to see this wonderful baby grow and at the age of almost 2 months old she is absolutely adorable. I love her even from far away.
I am thankful to modern technology that enable me to be at least a little in my daughter’s life, to see her baby grow. Phones and emails and digital pictures – how did people do it before? It was a real isolation, real disconnection. I am so thankful I can witness it all from afar. And let’s not forget airplanes – I can come for a visit few times a year. I am thankful for all these advances I took for granted for so long. 

The Artist Within

Day 186 – I always think of myself as having an artist hidden deep down inside me I don’t know how to bring to the surface. I always have a special attraction to anything art related. I tried so many things and nothing sticks. Few years ago I found a book “The Artist’s Way” that suppose to help one unleash the artist within. It is a 12 weeks program but although I committed myself to the program I didn’t stay for the duration of it. I didn’t do the work. I was not in a good place in my life,  I wasn’t good enough to myself. I saw that book again when I was unpacking and put it on the spiritual books' shelf, with the intention of getting back to it. Incidently, few days ago, I decided to publish some of my writings and I even started doing the research about the big agencies here and how to approach them. I even sent one chapter to one of my friends to read. And so today I was unpacking boxes while enjoying the music from my new stereo system I just bought yesterday (something I am very happy about since I couldn’t make my old one work), and for some reason I started to read my old journals. And suddenly I just knew it. I am ready for that book again. I am going to do whatever I need to find my voice, to open up to the creative forces in me. I am committing myself to the program for the duration of the 12 weeks, for the rest of my life.  I realized I have to create, it is boiling inside me and I have to find a way give it words, to find a way to express it.
So I have to write 3 pages every day, no editing, no censoring, no looking at it or showing it to anyone. I opened a new notebook and I filled the three pages in the shortest time I ever wrote. I am ready. I know it and I am so happy about it. I needed to be free first of all, to connect back to my roots, and get back to my language. I needed to stop hiding. And after i will be done with the programm myself, I am going to offer this class to others. It will help me keep growing as an artist and it will help others as well. We will all find strength and encouragement in the sacred circle.

She writes in the book “creativity is God’s gift to us, using this creativity is our gift back to God”. I want with all my heart to connect to that source of power (even if I give it a different name), to the infinite source of creativity, of energy, of strength and of enlightenment.

I am so thankful for the inspiration I had today to try and find the lost artist in me. I am thankful I feel this way about the whole process. I am so thankful the time had come for me to unleash the hidden talents in me, to find my voice and use it. I am thankful for the artist in me, hidden or not. I am thankful for an amazing day.

Fleeting Moments

Day 185 – this morning I went to a funeral. The mother of my boss died yesterday and today was the funeral. She had a son who died in the army many years ago, and her husband died on the same date 20 years later and now she died at the age of 92. My boss said the eulogy and said that now she is the only one left from the family. It was very moving and it brought tears to my eyes. As I came out of the cemetery I called my parents. They are both getting older and their health is deteriorating and I feel lucky I can be here now and talk to them almost every day, see them as often as I can. We never know when is the last time we are going to talk to someone but in hindsight, so we have to make every time count, just so if it will be the last one, we won’t have regrets. The Buddhists say you should live your life as if every day is the last one, it helps living better, give more meaning to everything we do and concentrate on the important things, not on the pressing things. This is utopia and I know I don’t live like that, but every time I can remember it and for one second be in the moment and be present in my life, is a gift.
I am thankful I came here and so I can have a little more time with my parents after so many years I was away, I am thankful I can add dimension to our relationship and not keep it so shallow. I will have to concentrate more on doing the same with my older kids and not let the distance separate us too much. I am thankful I can go to sleep when everyone in my family is fine and I hope to wake up tomorrow to the same. Funerals are very sad but it is a constant reminder for us how fleeting every moment is. I am thankful for that reminder, I’ll try to remember it for a little longer this time.

Distortion

 

Day 184 - I arrived very, very early to work today, so by 1pm I was already done for the day. I drove with my daughter to the beach and we stayed there for a few hours, we went home later and took a beauty nap (more like a 2 hours’ sleep, actually) and we went out in the evening. We set in a café for almost 3 hours and had a very long and difficult talk, about life and choices we make, about parenting and responsibilities. The roles we play and the things we do every day, not even realizing their long term effects, the pain that a disfunctional family puts on its members, especially the kids. It was a very serious, painful at times but very sincere and very important talk. It is interesting to look back at the world we lived in for so long, to understand how things deteriorated without us noticing, very slowly day by day they sneeked up on us.  It is so easy to look back and see where I made mistakes, to look and say “I wish I did” this or that but I didn’t see it at the time, and I made mistakes. But I truly believe that mistakes are the building blocks of our lives. This is how we learn, how we grow-up. Mistakes are the opportunity to re-evaluate our priorities and re-adjust. Mistakes put everything in prospective. And I made so many mistakes. Some of them it took me years to get the full message, but I have a life time to learn and I am patient, I will figure it all out. I just wish I could prevent the pain some of them have caused, but that was someone else’s opportunity to grow up, to learn, so I guess I will have to accept that and not beat myself up for it, besides, I can change nothing it is all in the past. I can only acknowledge it, and make sure it will never happen again.

I am thankful for a day that felt like a holiday in the middle of the week, I had such a good time. I am thankful for a very somber and eye opening conversation. I am hurt by some of the things I realized but I am very thankful for that; pain is part of growing up and opening up. I am thankful for my daughter’s courage and her strength. I am thankful for every mistake I ever did, it what brought me to where I am today. It brought me so many presents and it will keep doing it, I am sure.  And more than at any time, I am so thankful we are here and that a year later we are in such a better place. We changed the scene and thus our reality. Only as time passes I understand how crucial it was.

Late at Work

Day 183 – today is the one year anniversary since we came here. A very important day yet I did not have time to celebrate it. I had something at work that has to be done by tomorrow and instead of going out to celebrate I was at work until after 11 pm! I never did anything like that before, I try to put clear boundaries between work and my private life, but today I had to do that and I will have to go tomorrow very early to try to finish it by 9am as is the deadline right now. The good thing about it is that I will leave work around 1 pm tomorrow, which will leave me with almost a full day to enjoy and the most important one is that it is absolutely a onetime thing. I will not accept again anything with such a deadline on it. I left home because I didn’t want to be part of such life so I sure will not adopt such a life style. There is no balance in such life, and I have so much more than only work.

I am thankful for being here for a year now. It was such a great year and I am very thankful for that. I am thankful that at the end of this year I am looking forward to the second one and I have so many plans and ideas about how to continue. I am very tired and about to go and take a shower before going to sleep for a few hours and I am so thankful that such crazy work day is a onetime event and not the norm. I am so thankful for life outside of work.

One Year Anniversary

Day 182 – Today is the one year mark since I left my old life, my home and my partner of 32 years and moved back here, to my homeland, with my youngest daughter. I still remember the feeling of relief, the almost dis-belief that the moment I was planning towards for so long had finally arrived. It was difficult and many tears were shed that day, it is not something easy to leave everything I was part of for so many years, and just walk out the door. It was especially difficult since I left the country and so I knew I will not see my older children as much as I would like, that distance might draw us apart, but I could not stay any longer. I felt that it is self-preservation act on my part. I didn’t know where I am going and so I put my worldly possessions into storage, and took two suitcases with me, two carry-ons. One for the three or four weeks I was planning to stay here and one for the trip I was planning to take there-after. I still remember the state of mind in which I arrived here – elated on one hand but totally confused and not sure of my plans on the other. The only thing I knew was that I have to leave and make my own plans, live on my own terms with no excuses and no hiding. I didn’t know what I am going to do nor how am I going to do that, I only knew I was free to do whatever I want,  to make as many mistakes as I want. I am looking back a year later and I am so happy I found in me the courage to re-claim my life. I did not go on my world trip yet, I don’t have too many worldly possessions (still too much as can be testified by the last few boxes I find so hard to unpack), and I don’t have a new guy in my life. What I do have is me and I got to know myself so much better than  before. I am traveling the country as much as I can; I re-connected with my family, and old friends. I am blessed with some amazing friendships here, something I could only dream of, hope for. And most important of all, I am happy as I haven’t been in years. There is not a single day in which I look back and wish I didn’t made that move. I have changed so much in the past year; I did so much growing up and self-development.

I am so thankful as I approach this monumental landmark – one year anniversary to my new life here. I am so thankful for the courage I mastered to take that step. I am thankful for dear friends old and new who took part in this journey and helped making it such a wonderful one. I am thankful for all the wonderful books that "crossed my path" this year and directed me in the right direction, with the right attitude, And I am especially thankful to my youngest daughter who was my closest friend and partner throughout this forming year, you gave me the strength when I had none left. Thanks to everybody who touched my life and made it better.

Salute!!    

An Evening Stroll

Day 181 – I left work today a little after 4pm. It was still bright and there are good 4 hours before darkness falls. I love the summer. It is warm and humid but when I get back from work I can still do things, it feels so right. I came home and unpacked another half box – not much but the important thing is to keep working at it until all is unpacked – had a little nap and then we went on a long stroll with our dog. We ate falafel, and went to a café for coffee, and just set there for over two hours talking and drinking this coffee. It was a serious conversation about family and everyone’s role in that circle, about challenges and setbacks. About the gift we get in life. All that time our dog was sitting on my daughter’s lap and having the time of her life.  It was a serious conversation, emotional at times, but we like doing that, talk about expectations and behaviors, about responsibilities and what can one do to fulfill them. Where do we find the strength to accept that which we cannot change, how do we stay with an open heart when facing disappointments, how to stay positive and optimistic when things are not working as expected, as they should. I love doing that, having these serious and very meaningful conversations with my daughter. She is so smart and sensitive and mature way beyond her years. And this is what challenged do – develop strong personality, and high EQ. I know the subject was very difficult for her, but I enjoy this evening very much. I love spending time with her and hear her talk; I cherish this special bond we have. 

I am thankful for a very special evening, a special treat after our long time apart. I am thankful for our dog companion that is so cute and silly and makes us both so happy to have her with us. I am thankful for this apartment located so well that is a walk away to all the important hang-out places in town; I am thankful for every challenge that brought me to this point, that made me who I am today.   

My New Furniture

Day 180 – I got my furniture today. Almost a year to the date after I moved here, I am starting to live in what looks like a home. I got the dining table but the chairs I ordered are not here yet so they gave me 4 loaner chairs. They also gave me a couch as a loner until mine will arrive, which will probably be in about a month or two. I moved the boxes still left to the porch and made room for both. It suddenly feels like home. When my daughter came home at the evening from her military base it was all nicely organized. We set to the table to eat dinner, which was so nice. It is amazing how much little things like being able to sit down for dinner make such a big difference. We couldn’t really do that in more than a year. And now I am sitting on the couch to write this blog, and again – it feels so nice. It makes this place feel like home. The rooms suddenly looks so organized and so homey.

In three days we celebrate a year since we arrived here – such a great way to celebrate it!

I am thankful for the furniture I got today and for the soft and fuzzy feeling it bring with it. I am thankful for one more step to celebrate my new life here, my independence. Since furniture is not something we buy often, these items will be in my life for many years to come, maybe even for the rest of my life. I am thankful for simple joys like sitting down with my daughter for dinner. We both missed the feeling of home and so it was a little celebration today to do just that.

My Daughter is Back

Day 179 – My daughter is back!!!! After three weeks she was there and two weeks I did (we had 2 days overlap) she is back here. It’s funny, she is 19 years old but we were never apart for so long. Until now the record was two weeks. It is a growing experience, for sure, and something that is good to do sometime but I am very happy to have her here again. I was making all kind of stuff for her – special dinner, and a cake and fruits and I cleaned my apartment, the only problem was that I didn’t pay attention to the time and I left a little later than I planned. Add to it the fact that I thought it will take me an hour to the airport and so I was planning to be there at the same time she lands so I can wait outside and embarrass her. But it is an hour and a half away or even a little more with the traffic, so as happy as I was to see her I didn’t make it there on time and she had to wait for me outside. How disappointing L

 But she is here and this is the important part. We had a nice drive back home and a lovely dinner. She got to put all her stuff in her new room and enjoy our new home for the first time. Last time she saw it, we were still living in the old place. She tonight she will sleep in her new room for the first time and she is very happy about it. The reason I wanted to move is exactly that – so she can have a nice place of her own and of course that we will have a nicer place, but most of all I wanted her to have her own corner. She fell asleep few minutes ago, tired from the long flight and the jet lag. And it makes me so happy to see her like that.

I am so very thankful my daughter is back here with me. She brightens my days with her presence alone. I am thankful we found this new place and so we can start our second year here (yes, in a few days it is a year since we arrived) in such a nice way. I sure didn’t think this is how it will look when we came here she with everything she needed for the next few years, basically almost all her possessions, and I with two carry-ons planning to go on a world tour. I am so thankful this is how it unfolded.

Twina - an Ancient Chinese Massage

Day 178 – I talked to a friend of mine yesterday to see if we can meet today for coffee or lunch and she told me that her son, who is studying Chinese medicine, is giving on Fridays free half hour treatment and he needs volunteers to come and get the treatment. So I said that of course I will come and give him a chance to practice. And so this morning I got there and he has this questioner and he is all down to business and I had so much fun to see him like that. The interesting thing was that he asked about injuries and I mentioned my sore shoulder. He did this special Chinese massage “Twina” and I was able to move my shoulder and the pain was almost gone. I told him I am coming next week as well. My friend had the session before and she waited and we went to lunch. As always we had the best of conversation. It is so wonderful to have such a friend we can talk about everything and just enjoy each other’s’ company and wisdom.

I am so thankful for this wonderful friendship that withstood the test of time and now as our lives become more complicated we have even more things to talk about and to try to help each other. I am so thankful for the twina treatment, I thought I am doing something good for someone else, spreading the good vibes, and I found out I am the one who got a favor, I am the lucky one.

Renting my Old Apartment

Day 177 – I moved out of my new apartment before the end of the contract. I was looking for a new place for a long time, so I knew a good place when I saw it and decided to take it and break my old lease. My landlord knew I am looking for a new place and didn’t mind that, as long as I am responsible until I find a new tenant to take over the lease. I couldn’t show it before I moved out – too much of a mess, so I only started publishing it and showing it two weeks ago, and today came a guy, saw the place and decided right away to take it, so as of August 1^st it is rented. I wasn’t too stressed about it, I knew it is a very convenient apartment, a great location and a very good price so I knew I will find someone to rent it, but it is a good feeling to know it is done and I don’t have to take care of it anymore.

I am thankful I found a new tenant to my apartment. It is big step for me and I am happy, very happy and as usual – dead tired as well. But today is Thursday – the best day of the week – I get to wake up without an alarm clock – and I am thankful for that.

Still Unpacking

Day 176 – I am not done unpacking yet. The last few boxes are the most difficult. This is why they were delayed for last. And I had all the empty boxes stacked on the floor, with packaging paper and a box full of plastic wrappings, in short, it was a little messy. So, yesterday evening I loaded all the empty boxes and paper into my car and today, on my way to work, I drove to a recycling center and dumped all that. Suddenly my house looks so much better. And so today in renewed enthusiasm I unpacked 3 more boxes and through about half a box of things I decided to part with. There is more to come, but it is a good first step. I hope that my furniture will come in a day or two and so it will start looking like a home and not a transient place. But even just reducing the stack of boxes makes it look better. It’s been a long time since I had a place that felt like home and I am really looking forward to that. And since my daughter is coming back this coming Saturday, I will try to finish everything by then. Not sure I can, but I will do my best. I can’t wait for her to come back, I miss her so much! So I sure will try to make the place look nice.

I am thankful to be almost at the end of my settling into this apartment, getting to the point where I can call it home. I am thankful the things I find in every box, some of them I welcome like old friends after a long time I didn’t see them – they were in the boxes for more than a year. I am also thankful for all the things I found the courage to through away, little bits of my past and my attachments I am letting go. It was easy to decide about it yesterday and more difficult to actually do it, but I did and I am thankful for that. I will look into the rest of my stuff tomorrow and on Friday and hopefully through away some more.

I have a Dog

Day 175 – my mother-in-law is a very lonely woman. Her husband died 16 years ago and since then she is alone. And she feels really sorry for herself for that. She is full of complains how the whole family does not pay enough attention to her and no one cares, and so on. So I figured she needs a companion and since she refuses to date again I decided that a great gift for her 84^th birthday that is coming in 2 days is a dog. It had to be a tiny and very quiet one, of course since she never had a dog. So when I came back for my trip I went with my daughter to the shelter and we picked up the dog she chose for that purpose few days earlier. So for the last two weeks I have a dog here. And by now I realized that she cannot have this dog, it just pretended to be quiet but it actually a very energetic one, and also she really doesn’t want a dog and it is the kind of present you have to get an approval for ahead of time. And I like the dog very much. So from a really great present idea she became ours, and when I think about it, it is so befitting – my daughter always asked for a dog and my ex always refused to let one be at the house, so now that we need no approval, it is time to get a dog. It is not all peachy of course. She is young and grew up in a shelter so she has no concept of house training. And I have to start teaching her to do her business only outside of the house and not to leave “presents” for me all over the house. So, I am working on training her. When I leave the house for work she has to stay in her training cage until I am back. But I think she starts understanding her commands so hopefully in a few weeks she will be house broken and I will not have to cage her anymore.

I didn’t have a dog at home since I left home (actually, we had a guide puppy, but after few months they decided we don’t discipline him enough and took him away) and it is a lot of fun. It’s a lot of work and this is one more reason I decided to not give her to grandma as a gift, but it is also so much fun.

I am thankful I had this idea of a dog as a present, and I am thankful it didn’t materialize. I am so thankful for this very sweet dog that is now part of our household. I am thankful we rescued her and gave her a loving home. I am thankful for all the joy the dog brings into my life.

About Attachments

Day 174 – I like crafts. I like the feeling of doing something out of nothing, of creating. The problems is that many times I start a project and for one reason or another I put it aside and promptly forget to get back to it and after a while I add it to the growing pile of my “to finish” stuff. As I am unpacking the boxes now in my new apartment, I came across two boxes full of “to finish” stuff. Now I have to make a very courageous decision – to be or not to be for each one of them. It pains me since I love each and every one of them, but I also have to be brutally honest. If I haven’t touched it in 10 years or more, chances are it is not going to happened now. I can give myself some extra time of further testing- is there a chance I will get back to it and if not then toss or donate but get it out of here, but to be perfectly honest, I know the answer already. Jewelry making is a one I know I am going to keep working on it and maybe at some point even try to sell some. But right now I am just enjoying working on it. I even created a nice work station to make it easier to work on it. So this one (and it’s a very big pile) is safe.

 It was nice looking at all these things I did in the past – silk painting, knitting, crochet and so many different projects, but it is all part of things I don’t do anymore. And if I ever want to pick it up again – won’t it be nice to start with a new project and not just try to finish an old one? Won’t it be so much more satisfying. And what about the clutter it creates for no reason?

I am happy there are so many things I like doing, but I think it is time to put everything back in order in my life, including my crafts’ pile. So next week, after I’ll be done with unpacking I will start this most difficult task – letting go of parts of my life that are not needed any more. Getting rid of things can be very cleansing. I know that just looking at these boxes I get this heavy feeling, a burden; a constant reminder of an unfinished business. Finally I get it what it’s really all about – this is an attachment, a silly one at that, and I am going to put an end to that. A welcome side effect will be uncluttering my life so I really can’t find a good argument why not going about this process.

I am thankful I wrote about this issue because now I also understand the real problem, thus the solution. I am thankful for the challenge this move presented to me and I am thankful I am strong enough to raise up to it. I am thankful for all the beauty these activities brought to my life and I am thankful to let go.

Dances on the Beach

Day 173 – all summer long they have folk dancing on the beach every Saturday night. I learned about it two years ago but somehow I never got around to actually go there. Yesterday night I decided that it is about time to check what it’s all about. I have to admit I didn’t expect what I found there – over hundred dancers and about twice as many spectators that most of them stepped in every few dances. It was so beautiful I had tears in my eyes. There was a big revival of folk dancing here in the years since we left and it became almost main stream activity. Hundreds of new dances were created to popular songs and you can see old folks dancing side by side with very young ones. The sad thing was that I loved folk dancing when I was younger and I used to dance it a lot, but I stood and watched the dances for two hours and I didn’t know a single dance (and also most of the songs). Here I almost cry from sadness. I asked myself, suddenly after all these years – what the hell was I thinking, how did I just got up and left and even worse than that – I never looked back. I was sure I will never come back here. What the hell was I thinking? This is who I am, the simple girl with simple dreams, who loves nature and especially the sea, who can cry from a beautiful sunset, a beautiful view, a group of people dancing, or the lyric or the melody of a song. How did I let foreign dreams become mine? I don’t know the answer and for a moment I was very sad I am so disconnected, but then I told myself that this is all in the past. And I am here now and I will catch up as much as I can and will become again part of this wonderful place.

I am thankful for a very special evening of singing and dancing. I am thankful for this eye opening event. I am thankful for this opportunity to learn some very important things about myself. I am thankful I already learned not to dwell om past mistakes but look for present solutions instead.

Friends Like No Others

Day 172 – I went to meet our dearest friends and spent the night at their home. We stayed for a few hours on the beach yesterday night and after we came back to their home we talked late into the night. We woke up this morning and talked some more. Went for coffee and came back and I just had such great time being with them. We know them for almost 30 years. He was with my ex at the military, so for years it was friendship of the families but especially of the guys. But I always loved them dearly. In the past few years, as I started coming here with my youngest daughter for half the summer vacation, we started to develop our own relations, without him. When we came here last summer, almost a year ago they were absolutely amazing, surrounding both of us girls with love and so much care. When my daughter was in the hospital, they were the first ones to come, just few hours after she was released from the ICU into the regular ward. We both love them and when I was away two weeks ago my daughter went to visit them, we both think of them as part of our family. If I am looking for an example what friendship is – this is the utmost example. I will never be able to thank them enough for what they have done for us. But my heart is sure full of love and gratitude to them.

I am thankful for friendship that withstood the test of time and distance and divorce, I keep talking about these friends but they are so dear to me, it brings tears to my eyes just to think about that. I am so, so thankful for this amazing friendship.

Washing My Car

Day 171 – I bought my car few months ago and I didn’t wash it yet. And it really looked awful by now – covered with dust and birds’ little gifts and every day when I see it I tell myself that I have to take it to the car wash. So today when I came back with my dog from a very long walk I decided that I am going to wash it. It is close to a 100˚F and a very high humidity, but nothing could stop me. I live on the 3^rd floor, no elevator and so I had to go down with the bucket full of soapy water and later go up for a bucket of clean water, but my car is shiny and clean and I keep telling myself that at the gym we always sweat, we just take it as part of the experience so this was my workout for today, and I sure did sweat, but my car is clean and shiny and I will not let it get to that point again. I’ll wash it every two weeks or so. Good workout and good for the car as well. I can save on car was and on my gym fees if I’ll keep doing things like that and I really like washing the car!! It’s a win-win situation.

I am leaving town now and will get back only tomorrow – going to spend the night with dear friends of us.

I am thankful for a wonderful day – I had a long walk with my dog, went to visit my mother-in-law, washed my car, got some important tips about training my dog, and now I am leaving to be with good friends. What more one can ask for?! did i mention that I am thankful for having a clean car once again?

I am at Peace

Day 170 – when I rented this apartment my landlord promised to install an extra kitchen cabinet, because there was not enough storage space in the kitchen. Yesterday he called me to let me know it will be installed today and sure enough when I came back from work it was in place. And it looks nice and it adds exactly what I needed. So I started unpacking the kitchen boxes. Two very large boxes and a small one, and all the stuff is nicely organized. So I am not done yet with unpacking – I have to go and buy tomorrow another book case for all the books I still have in boxes, and a few more clothes hangers, but I am getting closer to the end of it and I am very happy about it. I can’t wait for my furniture to arrive so it will actually look like a home. right now the only furniture I have are two beds, two night stands a little coffee table, a desk and two chairs. It’s a very empty place. If I want to just relax I have to lie on my bed or sit in that folding chair. But still, I am very happy I moved into this apartment, it's just feels good and right. So I have to wait a month or two for my furniture, so what. I can do it, I lived with nothing for so long, I can do it for a little longer, and it sure will not put a damp on my happiness.     

I am thankful for the training I got in the past year of living on bare minimum; it’s an important lesson that will go with me for life. I know that no matter what life has in store for me, I can do it and still be happy. My happiness is not attached to material things. It is a way of life I choose to live by. It is something that is coming from me and has nothing to do with the circumstances of the moment. And I will go to sleep tonight with a heart full of thanks.

I am thankful I am healthy and doing well. I am thankful for the peace I found in my life. I am thankful for every day I get up to this wonderful life. I am thankful to be alive. And I am thankful I am here in this wonderful place.

Practicing Loving-Kindness

Day 169 – what if every day of my life I have to do something good, something that is not for my benefit but for someone else, life might take a very different turn. I really cannot give one good reason why not to do that, and I can see so many reasons to do. It is not that I never do good, it is more about awareness, about paying attention to the moment and to make every day count. It can be as small as – I stopped near a crossing and let someone cross the road, or I gave someone the right of way even though it was mine, or I smiled to someone, or I thanked someone… and of course it can be big things but what I am saying the important thing is to get into the habit of thinking how to do good and spread the good around us. It makes the world a better place, even by such small gestures. So at the end of every day I have to count not only my blessings but also my good deeds and if I can think of none, I’ll have to get up and do something good. and one of the things I will be doing is to send a blessing to all my friends and to all the world, to send a positive energy out, because where there’s light darkness has to withdraw. I read a book a long time ago “a path with a heart” and today when I unpacked it I was reminded of the treasures it has to offer. So my meditation tonight will use a mantra from this book, a formula for loving-kindness.

“May I be filled with loving-kindness.

 May I be well.

 May I be peaceful and at ease.

 May I be happy”

It may sound silly, but it is very powerful stuff. So as part of my doing good, I will start practicing loving-kindness.

I am thankful that I can try to do some good in this world. I am thankful for every day that passes in higher awareness. I am thankful for the gifts I got, too numerous to count. I am thankful for this responsibility to find my gifts and use them to the benefit of all men.  

Early Morning on the Beach

Day 168 – I went to the beach this morning at 6am and spent almost an hour there before going to work. What a glorious way to start my day. I was planning to do the same tomorrow, but I am not so sure anymore. It is almost midnight and I just set down to write my blog, didn’t take a shower yet or meditated, I don’t think I can go to sleep before 12:30 am and that’s really optimistic. So, I have to see about waking up that early tomorrow. The reason I am still awake is that I bought a bookcase today and they only delivered it at 10:40pm. And, of course, I had to assemble it and then unpack 2 boxes of books and put them on the shelves, and suddenly it was 11:40pm. But I am very happy I did it, even if the price is going to sleep later than planned. It is so nice to see more boxes go away and even more so, to see my books of the shelves again and everything a little more organized. I love it that I can do all these things on my own. I was always good at it and refused to ever play the damsel in distress, and now it comes so handy. It gives me the feeling of independence and I like that. So, overall it was a very good day. But if I have to choose one thing to be thankful for it is my morning on the beach. I didn’t do it in so long and from now on I will try to do it as often as I can without going crazy. The air was crisp, the beach was almost empty, and the light of that time a day is soft and special. I set there and read my book and looked at the sea and just enjoyed this very special experience of celebrating early morning this way.
I am thankful for an amazing time on the beach, for all the blessing I felt for just showing up. I am thankful I live in this city by the bay and so in 10 minutes I can get to the waterfront. I am thankful for this book again, that planted this idea in my head.  

Bare Foot on the Beach at Sunset

Day 167 – I did wake up early than usual, and it was so great. It set the whole day on a different rhythm. I was not tired at all and I felt like I can do so much. When I came home this evening I decided to go to the beach and take my dog with me, knowing it will be a very special experience for her. We arrived just as the sun in magnificent colors touched the sea. I walked along the beach for almost an hour, watching as the colors get deeper and even more beautiful. The water was very calm and the air fresh and warm – a perfect evening stroll. I felt so happy and at peace. I felt my heart singing. I still don’t have words for it but I am sure it will come. My job right now is to absorb all the beauty and to stay open and alert, to celebrate every special moment like that and look at it with fresh eyes, as if for the last time. It was a great day I kept reading in my book “the monk who sold…”, I went to sleep early, woke up early, saw the end of the sunrise light and the end of the sunset, and I went to the beach. What else can one ask for? – a great day. And I am planning to go to sleep again early. Not as early as yesterday but at 10:15pm I will be in bed, after 10 minutes meditation, and I already set up my alarm clock to 5am. I love it!!  I hope I can keep this schedule, it can do wonders.
I am thankful for a wonderful day. I don’t want it to be the last day of my life – I would love to see my kids and granddaughter before I die, but a great day never the less. I am thankful for a wonderful stroll on the beach, on the edge of the water, bare foot – doesn’t get much better than that. I am thankful that some of the best experiences in life are free – you just have to be present.

The Teacher

Day 166 – I wrote yesterday about my buried heart. I was thinking about it a lot today, especially since I am reading the book “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari” by Robin S. Sharma and it suggests that each one of us has to find his/her calling. This is what I set out to do last year and somehow I got caught up in my daily life and started to forget it. I started thinking of what are the things that touch me and I know of two right away - photography and writing poetry I like making jewelry as well but not in the same way. When I started thinking of photography and of writing poetry again I felt a jolt as if my heart started moving again. Bingo. So now I have a goal to go back to my real passion. I take pictures all the time but not as an art form but as a documentation of my life. I want to get back to photography as an art form. The second realization I had is a bit of a cliché, but truth never the less, that love is not only a noun but a verb. If I want to feel love again I have to practice loving, I have to open up, I can start small – loving the world around me, the people around me, everything around me. The more we love the more our capacity for love grows. When we close our heart – our world shrinks. So here I am from today on practicing the bliss gain, just as I felt it when I first arrived here. To open my rams and hug the world to look at everything in fresh and excited eye again. Love and happiness is a practice and if I fail to do that, I lose it. I promised myself not to fall back into routine and I did, I thought that just by writing this blog I can keep e fresh eye, but even that didn’t help. My blogs became heavy and too much of the same. I needed this jump start and I got it by writing about my buried heart and by finding this book. It is not something I didn’t read elsewhere, but the timing was perfect – just when I was losing sight of my goal. I am also practicing, or at least trying, to go to bed early and get up early. I want to start catching these magnificent hours of early dawn when the world just waking up and everything is still fresh and full of potential. So 9:30 pm is my bed time, after 10 minutes of meditation.

I am thankful for the higher powers, divine guidance or just luck – however it might be called, that guided me to this little book and helped me re-ignite my passion, at such an important junction in my life. They say the teacher will show up when the student is ready and I am so ready for more.  I am thankful for this new opportunity to find another angle through which to examine my world and the one around me. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow. I am not ready yet to sell my Ferrari, i also don't have one, but I am ready to start the journey and for that I am so thankful.

A Serious Talk on the Trail

Day 165 – I was so tired yesterday I decided not to go on a full day hike and instead catching up on my sleep. I woke up this morning at 10:30 feeling so great and refreshed. I joined my hiking group for an afternoon hike along the beach and a picnic at the end of the day. I brought up with my friends the regular question – “if you could be 20 again, would you?” and it was interesting to see that 3 out of the 4 said “no”, very typical; so we had a whole discussion about it. The meaning of being 50+ years old women, especially divorced ones. What we gained and what we lost, what we are missing and what we are looking for. It is very clear that each one of us carry her battle’s scars, each one of us had gone through enough in life and we are here trying to figure out what are we looking for in our future, what do we wish for ourselves. The freedom we gained and the independence and the friendships we lost, the lack of intimacy in our lives… a very interesting heart to heart conversation that women can have and we all feel privileged for that. I know for myself, this is part of what I gained this year independence that I am still celebrating every day, and girlfriends like I never had before. Even with my old friends we reached new level of candidness, and closeness we never had before. But I also, like everyone else, carry my scars. I am not ready yet to open up again. I realized that a while ago and it becomes more apparent with every passing week. I buried my heart very deep and I am just not ready yet. Some of my friends said that as soon as they got out of their marriage they were again on the dating circle, ready for rebound. I don’t understand that. I feel it takes time to find myself after so many years I was part of a “we”, after so many years that I didn’t have just my own voice in my head. And I am not ready to lose that again. I got at a very young age into the “we” circle and so I never had a chance to come to full womanhood, and this is my aim, my mission, my quest – to find me, and befriend me, and never lose sight of that again. I don’t believe there is a chance for mature relations if one is not really present. I don’t think I should live one more day of my life without being present. We have so little time on this earth, I can’t just go missing.
I am thankful for a lovely hike today, for a sunset on the beach and for a lovely picnic at the end of it. I am thankful for this heart to heart conversation we girls had on the trail. I am thankful I learned to open up and not be afraid to share my thoughts and even my pain. I am most thankful for the opportunity I had at the second half of my life to find who I am and make peace with me; to connect and stay connected for the rest of my life.