Day 544 – few days ago I wrote about this new man in my life and I said that it is scary. Reading back the entry I added a comment that it is a very interesting choice of words - why would I describe as scary something that is doing me a world of good? I kept thinking about that – why am I scared? Now that is a very interesting question indeed…
Every so often I write about living on the edge, of expanding my boundaries and I don’t just say that, I really do like it. I love this feeling of butterflies in my stomach, of learning to trust my abilities to handle the unknown. It’s thrilling, it’s where and when I feel fully alive. I trust my physical ability to be put to the test; I trust my mental strength to carry me further, even when my physical strength is exhausted – the perfect example is the marathon, but even for jumping out of an airplane, or traveling all alone to Greece I needed that strength, and I knew it will be there for me. I like testing these boundaries and I come stronger and so alive at the other end. But for some reason, apparently I don’t trust enough my emotional strength; I am so scared to get hit in this arena. As if emotional scars are more difficult to bear, as if testing my emotional boundaries will not produce the same results of being stronger and better for living through that. Instead of understanding that, I am digging my heels in the ground and almost backing off, running for cover. I actually did when we just met for the first time.
So I take a step and stop, another step and I stop and all the while I keep thinking it is not real, it can’t last. And today I finally realized what it means – I don’t allow myself to fully live in the present. The present is perfect; it is only the future that is shrouded in clouds of the unknown. I look at this man and he is absolutely wonderful to me; I never had anyone who treated me this way, who told me these things, who made me feel the way he does and I am so hesitant to just allow myself to fall head over heels into it. I am so afraid just to immerse myself totally into this relationship without worries of what would come next. I keep telling myself the “what if” – what if in a week or two or three I will find out he is not, or he will decide I am not; what if I will allow myself to open my heart just to have it broken again… I gauge myself; I keep this little devil whispering in my ear “slow down, wait; let him take another step before you do…”
Don’t I want to live on this edge with butterflies in my stomach and just the knowledge that I can handle whatever comes my way, good or bad, but I want to actually BE there and fully experience it all? Don’t I want to be fully alive, to be fully present? Don’t I want this gift I was talking about for so long of someone special that our sum will be so much more than one plus one?
Yes, I can get hurt, and yes it will be hellish but I am strong and I can do that, and I will come out of it better for going through it. Right now, at this very moment, everything is wonderful and that’s what I should celebrate tonight. Whatever the future will bring, I will deal with it when it comes. But the present is the only place one can really live and if I don’t live this way, than I don’t do us justice, I don’t even give us a real chance. So today I let my head have the back seat; I take a big breath and I open my heart, fully enjoying every beat.
I am thankful for such a wonderful present. I am thankful for today. I am thankful for having this man in my life at this very moment. I am thankful I have butterflies in my stomach; it means I actually care. I am thankful that after months of emotional drought I see the tiny leaves of hope budding again; and I will do my very best to make them bloom.
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