Painting my heart out

Day 621 - Believe it or not but it is yet another holiday; this month is choke full of holidays and almost no time for work in between. And this week is half holiday so we work 3/4 of our regular time and a lot of people are on vacation since schools are closed. I was ready for a very relaxing week, even doing some catch-ups, but toay, just before I left work I got a phone call that someone is sick and we have no represantation in a big event we are attending in our capital. So instead of down time as planned, the next few days I'll be very busy. But the truth is that I like this part of my jo; I like interacting with people so this event is something I will enjoy very much. 
But the interesting thing I did today is painting. I came back from work and grocery shopping and I just felt like painting, you already knows it helps me when I am sad, and so I was busy for an hour or two pouring my heart onto the canvas and the paints and I know its a mess and will probably have to work on it some more but today this is how I felt and it's great I have a tool that can express it without words but with all the turmoil and the thoughts that are running in every direction. By the end of it I was happy with the results and I was no longer sad. So if I have to choose one subject to write aout in my blog today it will be my painting that as always heals my soul and make it whole again. I called this painting "The Dream".
   
I am thankful for a wonderful day with my daughter. I am thankful for a movie night and a game night and just quality time together. I am thankful for a very long talk over breakfast I had with him today; I love it when it is so open, trusting and real that one can allow his heart to do the talking. I am thankful for a great movie, great company and great inspiration and a great time I had painting. I am thankful for a great day.

The break up

Day 620 - I didn't decide yet what to write but I want to acknowledge the fact that another day passed, that I am still here on this earth, in this country, in this life. What more can I ask for in a day like that. I could not log-in earlier so it's a very late post but I did not fall asleep on my watch, just not able to post my blog. Will write more later, or tomorrow. I am sad but ok and life goes on...
I am thankful another day will come tomorrow with new hopes and new dreams. I am thankful I'll be there to greet it.  

Investing in my future

Day 619 - With every passing day, every talk I have with close friends about the future, I realize more and more that I have to go into business; that I have to take more active approach to increase my wealth. I did not live here for many years and so the amount of social security I will be getting is very small, to small to support me and even my salary right now is not enough. I just took the very first job I was offered when I moved here and didn't really negotiate it, and so every month I have to take out of my savings to cover my living expenses. And it shouldn't be this way; my working years suppose to increase my saving not be already in depletion mode. So I am weighing my options, but now that I actually have time to think I will start doing just that. It's a very interesting place to be. For so many years I was living very comfortable life but I chose to leave this golden cage and try to make it on my own. And part of that is also to become more financially strong, on my own, or with my own business partners. I am 54 years old so my earning years as an employee are nearing their end and it forces me to think about other options, options where I am the entrepreneur, thus have no age limit. Some may look at it in dismay, as a step back, but I look at it as a huge opportunity and I hope I will be able to use it wisely; to do what I am setting  up to do. I love it, finally I am ready to move forward. I feel so lucky to have friends who love me so much and are ready to help with advice, review and presenting opportunities if they think it might work for me. I always talk about not needing too much money, and it's true, but I also know that I will have many years after I am done working and if possible i would love to retire early and travel, so I will need some serious savings to support that and this is what I am talking about. I am not planning to buy a million dollars home, but I am planning to live a very long and active life. 
  
I am thankful I have this option to try to invest to secure my future. I am thankful I finally gathered the courage to move in this direction. I am thankful for opportunities that cross my path, I know how rare it is and I am thankful for any act of kindness, for every advice and help I get from my friends; I will do my best to be worthy of their trust, care and love.     

Kick back and relax

Day 618 - The lull after the storm, this is how I feel today. Not too much energy to do anything. I did some catching up to deferred business like doctor appointments and it makes me happy. I also treated myself to a pedicure which is something I always like and need (some TLC- check). I had a painting lesson but not a very creative one, somehow I got stuck and could not really find my way out; it took me a really ling time and I needed my teacher's help to dug myself out. OK picture, but nothing to write home about. I hope to make something this weekend with time in my hands, no group hiking and my daughter is not here. Plenty of time to read - almost the end of the month and I didn't really make any real progress yet. So like so many times in the past after very hurried and crazy time comes the lull and I have to learn to appreciate it, to like it, maybe even to look forwards to it. I worked hard, I deserve this leaning back, kicking off my shoes and relaxing, I deserve to feel empty and in need of replenishment. Now that I think about it, no wonder I could not paint - I am totally drained. So I am going to bed now and I am sure tomorrow I'll already feel much better.   
   
I am thankful for this lull; I sure earned it fair and square. I am thankful my daughter and my MF are not here tonight so I can be so lazy and not feel guilty; or actually that I don't have any stimulation or reason to do something. I am thankful for every little and unimportant things I did today, for attending the trivial and the mundane. I am thankful the final project is behind be, that I now officially finished the course. I am thankful I can go to sleep now, I am falling asleep while typing. 

My New Year Resolutions

Day 617 - It was a long day. In regular times, since this is the day of atonement, I will be sitting and pondering about my life, about the year that just passed and the new one in our gates. But this year is not regular. I have a project I delayed as much as I could and its due date is tomorrow. So I woke up this morning at 7:30, really not something you want to do on a day off especially when you are fasting, but I had work to do. For the next 8 hours I was just working and researching and typing away my plans and ideas for this special trip to Cambodia, with only few short breaks just to move around a little and get off the computer. At 15:30 I put the last period on the electronic document and was finally able to call it a day; finally be able to pay attention to my beloved daughter who was fasting here with me and had to deal with a totally absentee mother. But I am done. I met my deadline and as usual I am asking myself, why do I do this, why do I delay everything until the very last moment and than have to work crazy hours to meet my goal, why don't I just do it slowly as originally planned . I have to start working on this issue. It is something I know and fight my whole life and I think it is time to take it more seriously and start dealing with it. It just doesn't make sense I am not a kid anymore and I should be able to do that. Maybe this should be my new year resolution - 

• work on my tendency to procrastinate and actually come on top of it. 

What else do I want to achieve this coming year?

• Keep painting and not be afraid to break the rules, and my own boundaries
• Get back to writing my book and now with broader view and less anger
• still, like every year, read at least one book a month
• Try to put my finances in order, go into investments maybe or find a way to earn more money 
• Take at least one trip abroad, a brave one to an unfamiliar land
•  Relationship, not sure yet if I want to put it as a goal so not a resolution, just something to think about
• Start cooking again and start entertaining again
• Volunteering of some sort
• Be a good person to my loved ones and to everyone else - stay in touch with the important people in my life

I have a big list. I hope to be able by the end of this year to look back and say - I achieved it all. May I and everyone in my life have a healthy and fulfilling year.

   

I am thankful to have finished my project. I am thankful to my daughter for being so supportive and enabling me to do this. I am thankful for serious talks I had today with my mother in law, with my MF, and with my daughter; it is new year and I love these kind of discussions. I am thankful for people who love me enough to be able to tell me things they know I won't like to hear; I really appreciate that. I am thankful for a very meaningful holy-day; for a meaningful year; for the new year in our gates; for my life with all the turns and pitfalls, just as they are.    

    

My Relationship is Heading South

Day 616 - few hours ago we started the Day of Atonement, the holiest day in our calendar. it is customary to fast on that day. I am not a believer and so I did not fast for many years, but since moving back here I decided to start fasting on this day. I am still not a believer but I am a very spiritual woman and these times of reflection are something I really value. I always try to think of hidden meanings, I am an over-thinker, big times. So this day is perfect for me.  I sit and ponder about my actions in the past year, what was right and what not so. Did I sin towards someone unintentionaly  did I harm anyone psychically or emotionally? what am I taking with me for the new year? I had an amazing year, I did so much growing up during the year. I am so much happier than I was a year ago and I hope to see this trend continuing. I also realized something I really miss, like having a family, having a place I share with a loved one and be able to call home, having someone I love as part of my life. It is time for me to uproot myself from a man I really like but one that cannot give me what I need; it's sad for me, very sad but never the less, the right thing to do. Its new year and this is how I am planning to start my new year, breaking my own heart. I hope the rest of it will be so much better. So I am not going to do that without engaging in a serious conversation, at least trying to; he is really good at dodging them, but at least I should try; dodging that will give me the answer I need just as well.

I am thankful, even at this junction, that my life are mine to build or destroy; that I have choices. I am thankful I can get up and leave and not be stuck ever again in an unhappy relationship. I am thankful for so many presents I got for being in this relationship, for a great man I met. I am thankful for this longest relationship I had since I left home. I am thankful that even as I know I am heading for a breakup I would not choose not to have had it. I am so much better for having it in my life; for having him in my life, and it breaks my heart to think I have to end it.  

Home stretch

Day 615 - I thought I am giving myself some needed TLC but at 2 am I woke up and felt so sick I couldn't fall asleep again for almost an hour. So I was very tired and a little drained today, but I am on the final stretch of the project, and can't even afford this kind of luxury. I have to finish it by Wednesday night for an early submission on Thursday. Almost done, I can't wait for it to be behind me, I can't wait to have an evening with nothing to do, just me and a good book and my bed. Few more days, I can do it, I know I can...

I am thankful it is the day of atonement here tomorrow, a day off work so I'll have few extra hours and on Wednesday, just enough to have it all done. I am thankful my daughter is here for these two days; she'll keep  me grounded and sane even during the last crash. I am thankful I can go to sleep, I am literally falling asleep.   

Some needed TLC

Day 614 - It is the first day on our winter time and so by 6pm it was dark - a little depressing, I have to admit, but I guess I'll get use to it. Other than that, nothing really happen today; one of those days. I didn't even made as much progress as I planned on my report today which means extra work tomorrow. But if this is how I felt than I guess this is what I needed; I can't always be on. so the one thing I can do as an act of kindness to my self is to go to bed now, maybe even with a book, something I haven't done lately, just an evening of TLC towards myself after a very intense workload on the weekend.
  
So I am thankful I can do an act of kindness and not be upset about lack of energy, but respect that and play along. I am thankful for an early bed time. I am thankful for a bed that is waiting for me, for the food I ate tonight, for the roof over my head and for an aircondition, if it'll be too warm in my room. I am thankful I have a down day because I will appreciate so much more my renewed energy tomorrow. I am thankful I can say good night now at 10:30pm - don't remember the last time I saw this hour while in bed!

A giant step forward

Day 613 - Saturday and all I did today was my project. I didn't leave my home at all. For many hours I read about the temples complex of Angkor and the history of the Khmer empire and I wrote a descriptive tour of the place and its temples. I finished that part and now all I have left is details of few day tour of the country. I have most of it already planned so I will finish it by Wednesday the latest and will submit it on Thursday, meeting my deadline and even without some late nights crunch. The more I read about it the more I want to travel to Cambodia and see all that in person. I looks amazing from the pictures and from all the materials I read. My daughter was suppose to come back tonight and decided to stay at the Kibbutz and go to her base from there; my MF did not call today so I have no idea if he is back in town or not. In regular times these two events, especially the combination might be sad for me but today I am thankful for that since it gave me few more hours of guilt free work. And besides, I am so happy my daughter is having so much fun after the rough week she had. And now it's very late already and I am going to sleep. Luckily the turn the clock back tonight, we start the winter time early here, so I have an extra hour to sleep tonight, but even with that it's late so this is a short entry, just to say I'm on track and making serious progress; just to say that even on a busy day I am not neglecting my blog. 
  
I am thankful for hours of work I put under my belt; for a project that slowly starts to look like something I will be happy to put my name to it. I am thankful for all I learn every day about the country, its people, history and archaeology. I am thankful my daughter is having so much fun with her friends this weekend. I am thankful for the extra hour of sleep we have tonight, I sure need it. I am thankful I can go to sleep now, knowing my work is almost done.

About Procrastination

Day 612 - It's Friday, a day to go out and have fun. My hiking group is doing an overnight trip and I did not join them. instead I stayed home and I am working on my Cambodia project. Not sure I was up for a weekend trip but a one day could have been great had I finished my project on time, but I didn't and now I have only few days left. So it is Friday and I was working for a few hours on that and by now I am ready to go to sleep. I have a major part tomorrow - to write about the temple complex of Angkor Wat I think tomorrow is all I need, but if not enough, I'll finish it on Sunday and then I have to finish planning the tour of Phnom Penh and the country side and I am done. It is the holidays' month so we have Tuesday and Wednesday off - perfect all I need to put the last touches on my project. So yes, I didn't go to the trip but I am making serious progress and I even had over two hours of beach time for one more sunset perfect. Life is good, I really can't complain and I enjoy this project so much that its really not a burden for me but one more way for me to learn new things. The good thing is that my daughter is in the Kibbutz, and my MF is out of town visiting his daughter so I don't feel guilty for being so absorbed in my work, for neglecting everyone; or being destructed and in danger of not doing enough.
  
I am thankful for a day I had for myself and my project. I am thankful for great strides I made in the past few days. I am thankful for this opportunity to learn new things.I am thankful I chose this country and I really hope to travel there soon. I am thankful my work is almost done. 

A Simple Act of Kindness

Day 611 - Only few days ago I wrote that I think I'm going to break up with the guy I am dating, that I cannot take it, but I keep hesitating since I know he is an amazing guy and we just have to learn to communicate in a way that will work for both, I know that there is so much potential here, and as much as I get frustrated sometimes I don't want to give up, he is too good to let go without a fight. Like his birthday party that was so much fun, or the way he connected with my daughter or the way he cares about us, once he lowered his guards and allowed us to get in. Today was a difficult day, another medical procedure for my daughter and one more confirmation to the condition behind it all. She is amazing, she went into an unpleasant procedure without any complains, and was a real trooper through it all. I brought her home after it was over and she was in and out of sleep for a few hours. And my MF decided to come over and see how she is doing. He even made something and wanted to bring it over but was not sure she is allowed to eat it, because of all her diet restrictions. It was so sweet and so considerate and it brought tears to my daughter's eyes. We were talking about this procedure and I mentioned I am delaying it for years and he told me I should  do it and he'll come with me (!) how sweet. I was in a loss for words; we are so not used to kindness, my daughter and I, that we are simply overwhelmed by its display. How sad it is that the two of us are so deprived of male kindness in our lives that it really shakes us so much.  This is why I am fighting for this relationship, he has such a good and caring heart, something so rare, that I want to learn how to work through issues that are not deal breakers, that are manageable with the right attitude and willingness.
   
I am thankful that this round of tests is behind us now and hopefully the doctor has some tricks up his sleeves to make my daughter feel a little better. I am thankful I can be with her through it all, and make it a little easier, I hope, for being by her side.I am thankful for this amazing daughter of mine, for her spirit and strength, that cannot be broken. I am thankful to my friend for being here, for being so nice and kind to my daughter, for smiles and hugs and respect; for opening up to her and making her feel so good. I am thankful to him for being so kind and supportive of me right now, for his caring and love. I am so thankful to him for being here for us today when we needed it.    

Bad Diagnosis

Day 610 - A month after the test my daughter took we had a meeting with her doctor to discuss the results. We got them in the mail and our interpretation caused us to ask for the consultation, and sure enough, they are not good. A disease she is dealing with since childhood is suddenly out of control and caused havoc in her system, this explained all the myriad of symptoms we saw for months now and had no explanation since we didn't even know it can get act up when she is so careful to follow all the instructions and restrictions . It is not a life threatening disease but a very debilitating situation and something she will have to deal with for a very long time, maybe the rest of her life. and it is especially upsetting knowing she did everything she could and yet it got out of control. So she is going for more tests tomorrow and maybe even more later, to see if this is the only thing or are there some hidden issues we don't know about yet, since too many times an autoimmune disease likes company. 
  
What can I be thankful for today? I guess that I am thankful we finally know what makes her so sick in the past few months; even if right now there is no cure, it is still good to know what is it that messes things up so much. And I am thankful, as difficult as it is, that this is not a life threatening disease; I know my daughter disagree with me here, but I am so thankful she is sick but not beyond hope. I am thankful one more time that I am here, that I work at this hospital so my daughter is not here alone to deal with all her issues and that I can use my connections to expedite procedures for her. I am thankful beyond word for this amazing daughter of mine that through all this ordeal manages to keep her spirits up and only the closest people even know what she is going through. I am thankful, so very thankful for having her in my life!

A very special birthday celebration

Day 609 - today is the birthday of my MF. He wasn't sure how much he really wants to celebrate it but after a little nudge from my daughter he agreed to go out with us tonight. We went to a really good restaurant and we had such a good time. I told him that both of us together are a lot of fun, actually all the three of us were, and the atmosphere was so great. It is the first time they met today after almost three months we are dating and it made me so happy to be all the three of us together and see how much they liked each other. They are the two most important people in my life here so it can be really stressful, but I had the feeling they will get along. My daughter is absolutely amazing and I am yet to meet someone who doesn't like her and he is such a great guy and  I was sure she'll like him too. And It was even better that I expected. We enjoyed an amazing evening, full of laughter and little stories and later even really deep talks. 
I love birthdays, it gives us the opportunity to stop for a second and reflect. Ponder about the year that just passed and the one standing at the gate - what we did that was great what is it we are looking forward to this coming year. He went first, being the birthday boy, and than we did too since it is after all also our New Year. There was a lot of intimacy and honesty and we all found out interesting things we didn't pay attention to before going through this little exercise, which is why i love doing it. It made me realize once again, how lucky I am to be here, to be who I am right now and to know it will only get better. And with total disregard to what tomorrow will bring with it, today I was so happy I could barely contain it all. We were for one moment in time a little tight unit so happy and perfect. And now, like in the Buddhism tradition, I let go of this illusion and be happy for that fleeting moment of sheer happiness, for being so content. I could not ask for a better evening, and what's even more important my daughter enjoyed it so much and liked him a lot and he had an amazing time and from being so reluctant about celebrating his b-day he was just there, so happy, so relaxed and so much enjoying this very special evening. It was magic and I feel so blessed for that.
  
I am thankful to my daughter for bringing up the subject and inviting him to join us for dinner. I am thankful to him for accepting the invitation. I am thankful to both of them for making this evening so very special, for being so nice to each other, for actually liking each other. I am so thankful for a fleeting moment of total happiness. I am thankful beyond words for moments like these when magic touches my life and illuminate them to the core. 

About human cruelty and compassion

Day 608 - We came back from the kibbutz early afternoon and most of my evening was devoted to my Cambodia project. I am writing about the Khmer Rouge era between 1975-1979 and the more I read about it the more disturbed I am about the magnitude of human cruelty, about the ability of the people to look at suffering, to cause intense suffering and be totally indifferent to it. I just don't get it. I am a daughter of the Jewish nation, I know our own history, the atrocities committed during the holocaust to our people that their only crime was being born as Jews. But still every time I read about such horrific deeds I am asking again the same question how can one human being can cause so much suffering and pain, even take the life of another? how can anyone be sick enough to do that, to create a whole theory to justify it and than go about implementing it? how can one do that to his own people? I can only hope I'll never do understand that, and that I will never have to face something like that from either side of the gun barrel. It's sad, so sad to face the cruelty our kind can master within their heart. Not a good reading for the New Year but one very important lesson. We should always keep a very compassionate heart and never forget who we are. We should never ignore the sufferings of people less fortunate than us. And maybe this is a good thing to thing about in a day like that, to make sure I will always stay connected, to find a good cause to volunteer, something I didn't do yet since I moved here and maybe it is time for me to start doing that. I wanted to write about an intense disappointment I had today, but I find this so negligible when compared to the issue at hand. It sure puts life into a whole new perspective.
  
I am thankful for a wonderful morning I had today with our family in the kibbutz. I am thankful my daughter and her friends chose to stay the night here, in my home; it makes me so happy to know they are so comfortable and at home here. I am thankful for many hours of work I managed to cram today and another step closer to the finish line of my project. I am thankful that I came to the conclusion I want to start volunteering; and I hope to find something meaningful.       

New Year Celebration

Day 607 - it is the Jewish New Year and people all over the country are celebrating tonight. We decided that this year we, me and my daughter, are going to celebrate with her family in the kibbutz. They are absolutely amazing and really took her as part of the family and she loves them dearly; and so far we never celebrated a holiday in the kibbutz. Considering the fact that her military time is almost over and she will leave the kibbutz soon, we felt it is the right thing to do. And I am so happy we did. They are so wonderful and to celebrate in a kibbutz is something very special. I used to live in a kibbutz many years ago and I forgot this community feeling. All the performances by the kids and adult members of the community. It was so very special. 
It is a long drive from the city where I live, but I used the time to call all my friends, one after another, and wish them happy new year. I talked to some people I haven't spoken to in a very long time. From now I will make it a habit to go over my phone book every so often to make sure I keep in contact with everyone in my life, with all my friends. I had a nice surprise with someone I was hesitating whether to call or not and before I got to it, he sent me a sweet SMS wishing me a happy new year. I also had a sad surprise with another call. I heard something in the guy's voice when I called, he is always so cheerful and this time he really wasn't, so I asked why and he told me he was just diagnosed with cancer and he is undergoing a surgery this coming Friday. Not the kind of news you ever want to hear or get. So as always, life is full of surprises good and bad, and the combination of them all put together plus our attitude will determined how our lives will be. So the new year is at our gate, what can I ask for, what do I wish for myself and for my loved ones? I wish the coming year will be good just as the last one, I wish that even moments of low will carry within them the seeds of hope. I wish my thirst for knowledge and learning will never be satisfied, that my health will keep supporting all our grandiouz plans. I wish for inner and outer peace, for many new friends and experiences. I wish to live life to the fullest and not be afraid of the new and unfamiliar; to dare take the less traveled paths.
 
I am thankful for another wonderful year here in my beloved country. I am thankful for being so blessed as to celebrate it with family and friends. I am thankful for all the amazing personal growth I experienced this past year and I can only hope this trend will continue. I am thankful for every moment I am here on this earth, for a wonderful family and so many good friends. I am thankful for frienships and love I am surrounded with, for a man I love every moment I can spend with, and most of all for children that are the dream of every parent. I am thankful beyond words to my daughter that shares her life with me so much more than I ever dared to hope. I am thankful, so very thankful for all the bounty in my life.

Imaginary World

Day 606 - I saw a very interesting movie today - "the words". Underneath the story line there is the issue of critical mistakes, mistakes that forever one will pay the price for them; mistakes that cannot be fixed and how life looks after that. Very interesting movie with plot within plot and a very serious issue behind it all. Of not appreciating what we have until we lose it, of not thinking of what we have to lose before we jump into a stupid action that can never be reverse. Of how little it takes to ruin everything we build, everything we hold dear to us and forever live in that shadow; with the regrets. It talks about conscious and how we want to believe our own lies. And it's also a movie about forgiveness that comes from old age with the understanding of what is important and what is not. So many things to think about and some of the issues resonates well with a discussion I had this morning. We always say we should live life of no regrets, but there are mistakes we wish we didn't make, forks of the road we wish we didn't take. Life of no regret, how wonderful would it be to have all our faculties intact and sharp when we have to make a critical decision, if we could pause for a second and reflect on what we have and we are about to lose for making this specific mistake. Sadly, too many times we are not, and we live long life to regret that. Here to living consciously, for making decisions with full awareness; for accumulating as little as possible of those heart aching decisions. 
  
I am thankful for a wonderful movie, that I felt I want to see after many hours being stuck at home, working on my Cambodia project. I am thankful for a heart to heart talk I had today with my partner; I am not sure how things will continue but at least we finally talked about issues that are muddying the waters, a great thing indeed. I am thankful for watching this movie at the right moment when my heart was fully open to its messages. I am thankful for a really great day.

A New Year Dance

Day 605 - after a very long time I went dancing tonight and it was so much fun!! I tried to convince my partner to come with me but he didn't feel like dancing so I decided that this is not a good enough reason for me to stay home and I went with two of my friends from my painting class, both going there for the first time. We met there few other friends from my hiking group and from other activities I do so it was a real party. The two girls I came with left very early but I stayed, we thought of that and came in separate cars, and I loved every minute of it. I met there also a very good friend of mine and we danced together most of the night, flirting harmlessly with each other, just because it's fun. It's really funny, my daughter and I talked about it many times we are all very flirty and just enjoy the game without any hidden agenda behind it but most people don't understand it. One of my friends actually came to me and asked what would my partner say? and I always say the same thing - its harmless and meaningless I am just having fun and if he cannot understand it - too bad, I am not going to change that and he will have to trust me. and besides I asked him to join me so it was his choice. And no one owns me I am a free woman and I can do what ever I want; I am also very honest and very faithful so even if it looks like flirting its just a tease and nothing real. another thing that was interesting, I came in one of my new outfits and my new hair and new look and so many guys tried to make a pass at me, one even came to tell me that I am the prettiest woman there; so of course I know its just a pick-up line but I definitely looked good and it made me so happy. I am so happy every day about this makeover I did;  it was such an amazing gift I gave myself. 
   
 I am thankful for a very deep conversation I had with my partner, it is the first such serious one and I think we cleared a lot of things and maybe gave it more of a chance. I am thankful for this makeover every single day, it really changed my life. I am thankful I decided to go even if my boyfriend didn't. I am thankful for a wonderful dance; for a night full of fun and laughter. I am thankful for such an amazing day.

Another day, another story

Day 604 - I did n't write much yesterday; I was a little disappointed about the house. As I wrote the realtor made a little mistake and from something very affordable and totally making sense it turned into something I cannot even consider. It's not the end of the world, but add to it some issues I am having with my MF, issues that are getting bigger and a little more than I can handle and you have a recipe for an upset me. But today is the last working day before our New Year and every body was congratulating each other and the atmosphere was very festive and I already felt better. In the afternoon I met my realtor to see few more apartments and the first one I saw, I came out of it and told him That this is the one I was looking for, I want to see numbers and facts and if it's good I am going to put an offer on it. I love the layout, I love how open and airy it is, and I love the view of the sea from the living room and the breeze. So I am obviously a little nervous. I will probably be much more in a few days if my offer will be accepted, but I am also very excited. I might be able to have my own place, which will take a big load off my shoulders. This way I know that even if I won't have much money in the future, at least I don't have to worry about my housing and it is a saving that in an emergency I will be able to use it as a last resort. It also means that I can do there what ever I want paint, get the right furniture, have it my way. So of course I am ahead of the game and as I earned only yesterday, I will not start making plans until it is actually mine, but this something I am very excited about right now. On top of it I had my first painting class today and as usual, it was great. And my daughter decided to stay here tonight so we got to spend few hours together, talking, watching a movie and just hanging out - always great, even if I had little crashes every once in a while. A good day, a very good day. 
   
I am thankful for another day and another opportunity; for a window that opens when a door was shut. I am thankful I can afford to do this house hunting and to enjoy it as much. I am thankful to my friends in class; it is so wonderful to come back and be happy to see all those familiar faces. I am thankful to my daughter for spending the night here. I am thankful for an amazing year that is almost over and hope for even a better one ahead. I am thankful for my life, my happiness and especially the wonderful people in my life who make it such.

Opppsss...

Day 603 - they say when something is too good to be true it usually is. Well, it was. A little mistake on the price I was quoted made all the difference. Disappointing but I'll live

House hunting gets more serious

Day 602 - I am back in the house hunting race. Today i went to a near by town to look at some properties and some lots and I really liked what I saw. I asked the realtor for a lot of information which he promised to send me tomorrow so I can start to study the subject. I also talked to a friend of mine who is a contractor to get his prospective - not favorable he is not sure if the place can hold its value - but I got some real numbers from him of how much it will cost me to build a house there and how long will it take. So I gave it a lot of thought in the past few weeks; I already heard his opinion about the value of the place when I looked at another property there few months ago and then I decided to drop it; I am not sure I will do the same this time. I am looking for a house to live in it and I really want a small garden around it; I want a house and not an apartment. And in the city where I live the only houses available are in the most affluent neighborhood and they are way out of my price range and I am not sure I like this kind of neighborhood anyway. I prefer not to live in an apartment if at all possible and I am very excited about the prospects of building again. And if I am building to live in it I am less concerned if the prices will not climb as much; in the long run I am sure it will be fine but I am not building as a business, like my friend, so I can afford to wait a few years for the m to catch up. And if the prices will keep climbing as they are now, then all the better, but in the mean time I will have the quality of life I am looking for. So if the numbers will look good tomorrow I will consider moving forward. I am also going to meet with another realtor tomorrow in my city to look at some properties so to have a better picture of what I can do with the same amount of money here and there. I have to admit that the more I think about it the more excited I get and I  hope the information I asked for will be in line with what the realtor told me. If this is the case I might actually start this project in a very short time; and first proceed to by the lot.

I am thankful for my years of experience building homes and developing properties; it gives me the ability to embark on such a project with the confidence I can see it through. I am thankful I have friends whom I can trust to give me the best professional advises and the best contractors later so I can actually build the house. I am thankful I am in such a good place in my life I feel I can take on something of that magnitude. I am thankful for being in a position to afford this kind of an investment; I know so many people who cannot, especially after a divorce, and I am so thankful that years of hard work, my ex-husband's and mine, do allow me to be here today. I am so thankful and humbled to be on this road to establish my life, and do it here. 

Food for thoughts

Day 601 - I arrived late yesterday and spent the evening with my MF so today is really my first day back home and I was playing catch up all day long. My daughter came late morning from the army for a two hours visit, so I spend that little and precious time with her before going back to work, which meant I left work only at 6:30 pm. and then I drove to my mother in law to visit her since she is still in the rehab facility and will stay there for another week. She needed some medication so I got it for her and left only after 10:30 PM so yes, at almost 11pm I finally got home. Along the way I made some phone calls to my family and some friends; and also found out that my suitcase made it safely to the airport and will be delivered tomorrow. So a busy day, a very busy day and I am ready to go to sleep now. I am not really that tired but I have to get back to local time and to my routine and I slept very little tonight; I guess I do have some jet lag after all. I had a wonderful vacation and I really rested and I want to try to keep the good work, so here I am so happy to be back home, reconnect with everyone and now also trying to go to bed in a normal hour and hopefully will be able to keep it as part of some self TLC. 
A little side note - I keep writing about my guy that I am not sure because of how reserved he is and then yesterday he did this so sweet of a gesture picking me up and setting aside the whole evening just for the two of us. We went to a restaurant and he started telling me some stories and only now, as I write this paragraph I suddenly realize what it really means - they come from deep down in him; this is his way of showing he cares, of making me part of his life; and it is important for me to understand this and I have to admit, I didn't, and only now I finally did. I have to learn to listen to him, not to my way of doing things but to his, not through my prism but his. and again, today he called me in the afternoon and shared some more and I also learned he is telling people about his girlfriend, that I was away and that I came back yesterday; and he did wait for me these two and a half weeks I was gone, so I guess it is much more important to him than he cares to admit, and it is more in my head than real. In reality he is here, I just don't see it sometimes since it comes with a different cover than I expect. And more importantly I keep saying that I have to learn to live in the present and right now everything is wonderful, I am just not sure about the tomorrows, but who knows what's in the future anyway, all our plans can disappear in a second when new reality drops in. So with the only real thing being now, I am perfectly happy; now all is well, and it's been more than two months and I really don't want it to end, so it's good, very good indeed. 
  
I am thankful for all the catch-up I got to do today. I am thankful I was not tired at all and could fully function. I am thankful they found my luggage and I'll get it tomorrow. I am thankful for my constant evaluation of my love life, it can be tiresome but I think it is also very important, part of the re-examination of my life and the concepts I hold dear to me. I am thankful to my MF for being  in my life; I learn so many important lessons thanks to him, and I keep learning; for all the excitement and happiness he brings into my days, for tenderness I didn't know still existed in me, for hopes and dreams and reality checks; for being who he is and allowing me to be who I am, even encouraging it in so many ways. I am thankful to my daughter for coming here today just to spend two hours with me, for missing me so much; this role is usually one sided - the parent misses the child and here she teaches me every day that it can work both ways, that a parent can develop close relationship with an offspring, you just have to be attuned enough and sincerely and unconditionally love her; I am thankful for her abundance love, for her compassion, for her big heart she wares on her sleeve; OMG, I am so so thankful for having her and for having her here with me. I am so thankful for all the amazing gifts in my life!!!     
     

Home sweet home

Day 600 - I arrived safely here after an uneventful flight, but the luggage of all of us stranded passengers did not make it here. So hopefully it will arrive tomorrow, but right now I don't know where it is. But I am back home and that is the important thing. I talked to my daughter who will be here tomorrow. When I came home I found out she made the house so welcoming for my return, cleaned and bought some things so I will not come to an empty house and she even made our favorite cake!! Home, what can I say ...   Another surprise, gift, or I just dont know how to call it - my MF waited for me at the airport, a gesture I have no words for. So, what else can I ask for? I am so happy and this trip was a reminder for me of who I was and how my life would have looked like had I stayed. I wrote that a long time ago and today, being day 600 and the day I come back home (how symbolic), I want to restate it once again - I feel like I got my life as a gift for having the courage to brake out of my situation and leave my marriage and my old life behind. I don't know where life will take me but I am blessing every day the fact that I did just that. 

I am thankful for being back home. I am thankful that it really feels like my home. I am thankful to all the wonderful people in my life who helped along the way to create that. I am thankful to my daughter for all the wonderful things she did for my return, for all her love. I am thankful to my MF for waiting for me at the sirport. I am thankful, so thankful to have a home I can come back to and be so welcomed. I am just so thankful tonight for everything.

En Route

Day 599 - en rout home. After two weeks on the road and so much excitment I'm on my way back home. Sadly I didn't have Internet access the whole time so this post is late. My itinerary called for a very tight connection of 45 minutes between the domestic flight and the trans Atlantic flight and I was a little concerned if I'll make it. Well, due to weather condition at the destination airport, my domestic flight was late by an hour and a half, so when we finally landed the connection flight already tookoff. It was aste evening flight and i was affraid we will have to spend the night there and take a flight only the next day, but the airline reps were wonderful. We were 12 stranded passengers from my flight and 10 more from another flight that was late too. They managed to book all of us on a flight of another airline 3 hours later. It did take a long time to get to a different terminal and convert all the tickets and the rep was with us the whole time and took care of everything. So here I am, a little later than expected but almost home. And something worth mentioning - yesterday in the middle of the night I got a phone call from my MF, he got a little miked-up about the time difference, but I didn't care; it's been a few days since we last talked so I enjoyed this moment of intimacy, and even more so the surprise - he wanted the details of my flight since he might be there to pick me up. I don't get him, really. He is on a disappearing act for a few days, no mails and doesn't answer my calls and then this, something do sweet and so over the top. Every time when my insecurities tell me he's not interested probably and this is why he disengages he comes back with a rebound that leaves me wondering how will I ever understand what's going on. But one more time that I was too rushed to judge. I will have to talk to him and explain in plain words what throws me off and what I need in order to feel a little more on stable ground. But, regardless, this is such a wonderful gesture, precisely because it is so unexpected and over the top, and I am so excited to see him. It's two and a half weeks since I saw him and I really miss him. The longest relationship I had since I left home and I am still excited about it, still see so much potential there. And to think I was so hesitant when we first met, that I was sure that this one is not going to work. Interesting man BUT ... So here I am on my way back home, and by now it really feels like coming back home. My daughter is coming to visit tomorrow, she took a day off fro the army so I will have a chance to see her a few days ahead of schedule and I am sooo happy about that. Since we moved here we see each other every week and we talk every day on the phone, and so these trips, here's and mine are the only time we are separated for longer and it's difficult for both of us. I feel like the luckiest mom on earth that at the age of 20 my daughter still misses me, still likes my company, it's sure not a given and I am so thankful for that. So I am in the airplane on my way home, getting farther away from two of my children and it's sad for me since I know it will be a long time before we meet again, and I am getting closer to my youngest daughter and that is so exciting. Life is complicated, especially in a case like our's a broken family with children on both sides of the ocean and across the continent. But this is my home and I so hope that my son and his family will indeed move here in two years, as they are planning right now. I am on my way home. A long flight that brings me to most of what's dear for me - my daughter, my MF, my paintings, my friends, parents, siblings, friends, hiking trips ...

I am thankful for this amazing trip that touched my soul so deeply, and in so many ways, a healing trip in fact; I am coming back happy and content and with all the important connections in my life restored. I am thankful to be on my way. Ack home; this is my home, and here is we're my life take their natural flow, here I am not a visitor anymore but a happy and fully engaged participants. I am thankful to my daughter for making this place our home, for always being here and for me, for her love for the excitement I feel with every passing moment that bring me closer to her. I am thankful to my MF, the man I am dating for more than two months now and has such a big part in my life, in my thoughts; I am writing that and keep hedging myself in my mind, but the truth is, that there are not many waking moments I don't think of him and I so hope he will not one day brake my heart, but right now I am thankful for this gesture for suggesting he will be waiting for me at the airport, I am sooo thankful for that, for the meaning I attribute to it in my mind, for his presence in my life and the happiness he brings along for the ride. 

More bad news with a twist

Day 598 - this is my last day of the trip/ tomorrow I am starting my long way home. Sadly this last day that was suppose to be just a day I'd hang out with my son turn to be a very difficult day. after less than a week in his new job my son lost his job. We were suppose to meet for lunch to take care of some stuff but he called me about half an hour before the scheduled time and told me the bad news. He was of course in a very bad mood and very disheartened. As I was writing few days ago, he now has a family to support and it puts so much more pressure on him and especially the fact that he held the job for only a few day. add to that the fact that in this ruthless country the poor go without health insurance since paying on your own if you don't have a corporate job is way too expensive so it is not only an income that he is missing now but also the promise of health insurance for himself and for his family. He was floored and I am so thankful I was still here so I could help him pull himself out of the desperation. During the last few months since he was finishing his college and could not work he accumulated a lot of debt, not as loans but things he just deferred paying and all are accumulating fees in an alarming rate. So I told him that loosing his cool is a luxury he cannot afford right now and we have to get down to business. First of all we have to take care of all the debt and than he will be abler to start a new; and this is what we did. It is amazing how just taking care of everyday things like paying bills gets a load off ones shoulder. This and a strong moral support from his girlfriend made the whole situation less bleak. I told him he has to be very honest with her and be able to express his frustration and his fears but also to promise her that he will do what ever it takes to make sure that they will be OK; that he had to trust her and he did and she reacted so much better that he even dared to hope. You never know who is the person you are dealing with until such situation and she is as amazing as I thought she is. I think my son is very lucky to have someone like her in his life; I truly believe they will come of it so much better for going through it. Sometimes life throws a curve ball towards us and it is so easy to feel sorry for ourselves instead of seeing the opportunity and the hidden blessing in it. I am sure this will be such an occasion if he will see it as such and open himself to what it will brings with it.

I am thankful I was still here for this difficult moment when he really needed a helping hand; I don't even want to think how bad it could have been for him if he was all alone here, how bad I would feel if I was already on my way back. I am thankful that I was able to be the calming voice and that we were able to sort all the loose ends and put a gain a solid foundation from which to start. I am thankful I was here to witness how he recovered and was able to see his way more clearly again. I am thankful I was here to see the amazing relationship he has with his girlfriend; One can take a lot of bad things if he has so much love and support and It makes me so happy that he manage to create such a great thing; it is not something to take for granted and I am so happy that as sad as he might be at the moment he has this place of great happiness in his life. I am thankful for this trip, I accomplished so much more than I even dared to hope and I am thankful beyond words for that.     

Bad news

Day 597 - I got bad news today. My mother in law had a very bad accident at home and was in our hospital for a week and she got moved today to a rehab center. We are trying for few months already to convince her to move to a nursing home. She is 85 and a widow for many years and her health is not as great any more and we keep telling her that it is so important that there is someone who is watching in case of an emergency or an accident. And here we are, at that very scenario. What is of enen more concern is how she will recover from this incident. Is she going to be ok or is it going to be the  beginning of her decline. I sure hope she'll be able to pull through. I know every human is destine to die but it is very hard for me to accept it for my close family and friends. I live this woman very much and I would love for her to be around for many years to come. It is sad that this happened when I was here and it will be few more days before I am back and can visit her. But I am happy that she is already out of the hospital and on her recovery path. I wish her full recovery and a very fast one st that.

I am thankful that she is better and already in recovery. I am thankful I will be there in a few days. I am thankful that even though I divorced her son we manage to forge a friendship all of our own. I am thankful she still has time on this earth and among us.

Sacred circle

Day 596 - this trip is putting a strain on my relationship with my MF to the point that I'm not sure it will survive it and it makes me sad. After a long talk today with a friend that just came back from a Tantra retreat and told me a lot about it, I am even more clear that there are certain things I need in my life and certain things I cannot accept. I need a family again, I want a place I can call home and I need a partner I can cmmunicate with. I cannot have someone who flakes on me so many times, I cannot walk on eggshells. And I need to have this talk with him upon my return. If we can even get to that point. Not sure of his needs and things that are red lines and so if we will ever get to that  point we both have to create a place safe enough for us to be able to express and listen to these things. I already lost one relationship with my previous trip, I hope this is not going to repeat itself or I might develop real fear of traveling. But this trip was so good and so important that even if this is the price I'd still do it again. And if our relationship will not survive it then it was not the right one, as much as I wanted to believe otherwise.

I am thankful to my friend for all the information she gave me about her retreat, i am now intrigued to do the same. I am thankful for having my eyes opened to my needs and the things I rather not have. I am thankful for this relationship, even if it will not survive the trip, it's been amazing and I am so thankful for every moment it lasted. I am thankful most of all for this amazing trip and the plethora of experiences it  brought with it.

A new family

Day 595 - I drove with my son's girlfriend to bring her son here. He spent the weekend with his father and she drove to pick him up and bring him here. It is a 250 miles drive - 3 1/2 hours in each direction and she just jumped to the car and did it. She is driving that at least twice a week for the past month. If this is not love than I'm not sure what is. So I decided that I'll accompany her so at least she'd have an alternate driver. We talked all the way there and all the way back and I learned so much about my son and her feelings towards him. At some point along the way back,  she admited to being tired and we switched. After the long drive, being confined to a car seat, the little boy just wanted to run around and so they took him out with a ball and we spent the next two hours running around, kicking the ball, he climbed some rock pile, played in the park, in short got to be an energetic toddler. I enjoyed seeing how lax they are with the kid, hiw they allow him to be a kid without treating him like a small adult; it is the same philosophy I hold, so it us much easier for me to cennect to that. I enjoy very much to see my son getting into the role if the male figure in this young biy's life, how they looked so much like an organic family and how much the kid loves him. It makes me so happy to see how happy my son is in this new and unfamiliar setting. How by having this wonderful girl in his life he changed and matured so much. It makes me so happy to see this little family starting to build life for themselves; not to anyone else's definitions but their own. 

I am thankful to see my son coming to his own, to see the boy turning into a responsible young man. I am thankful to be gere and be able to help even if so little. I am thankful to this young woman, my son' girlfriend who is so nice and kind and welcoming to me. I am thankful for being allowed to drop in and witness their life so close and personal for a few days. 

A short hiking trip

Day 594 - another day here with my son and his girlfriend, another such an interesting day. We went for a hike, the three of us in a dry bed of a local creek on a very warm day knowing that in the shade it will be cooler and more pleasant and we just didn't want to stay home all day long. Durning the hike we were talking a lot about all different subjects. All personal, all very close to one's heart and I feel so wonderful for they both want to include me in their life. I sure don't take it for granted. I know that most people will not include their parents in their closest circle and it is the biggest complement a parent can get. We spent many hours together first hiking then we went to a restaurant and finally we went back home and played a board game and talked some more. It is so nice to be able to spend so much time together and not get tired of each other, of still having things to talk about. It is also very interesting to see how differently we persive things. I had a talk with my ex before coming here in which he expresses his concerns and I come here and the picture I see is so different. I am not here to say who is right and who is wrong but to point at the fact that two people can look at the same set of facts and write two such different stories. I like my own version of course because it goes through my prisms, the way I see the world, and it works well with mt set of values and preferences. I see them starting their way together with so little money but with south love and respect for each other and I give that my full blessing, hoping they will be smart enough to keep it this way. I am a hopeless romantic and even at this age and time I want to see love prevails. It makes me optimistic to see them, you don't see something like that very often.

I am thankful for a wonderful day with my son and his girlfriend, with his love. I am thankful to be included in their very intimate circle. I am thankful we managed to turn our very special relationship into something so inclusive that she feel so comfortable to talk just about anything and not be feel left out. I am thankful for a very special da; it is a present beyond anything I expected.

Love

Day 593 - my son's girlfriend came here today and we spent the whole day together, the three of us. We cooked, actually my son did; We went to a guitar shop and spent hours there testing guitars and just having good times. This is the perfect outing in this hot weather; a toy store for adults.  At the evening we had a very long conversation and it was eye opening and very interesting. I learned so much about my son and about their relationship from this session. And I just love it. I really like seeming my son so much in love, seeing them both. It makes me so happy as his mom to see him in such a good place, with such a sweet girl; seeing him so happy. I am so happy for them both.
 
I am thankful I got to meet the girl, and to witness how happy she makes my son; how sweet they are together. I am thankful they felt comfortable enough to open their world to me. I am thankful for a wonderful day.

The second part of my trip

Day 592 -  At 3am I left for the airport. It's early but I didn't care, I wanted to arrive early to the next stop - my son's city so we will have as much time as we can. It's been over six months since we met, way too long by any standard and I will not allow something like that again. We talk on the phone but it's really not the same. He just moved here two months ago, so he is still in the stage of settling down. I love seeing the young man he is becoming. From the wrecked apartment he had as a student he transformed his living conditions to a nice townhouses complex and a very neat apartment. I love it. It is such a special experience for a parent to see a child getting into adulthood and strat to build he/her own nest. How slowly with the pass of time they get into their own. We bought some products and he cooked an amazing meal. And again I am just standing on the sideline and watch him, so proud and so pleased with what I see. I have no words to describe this feeling. You have to be a parent to understand. We spent the afternoon talking while he was cooking. The good thing is that the time that passed did not make us strangers. We still manage to keep this easy and comfortable atmosphere, the closeness. I was hoping this is how it will be but could not be sure. 

I am thankful being here, I missed him so much and it is so wonderful to meet again. I am thankful that time and distance did not draw us apart, it is still nice and flowing conversation the same us as when we lived together under one roof and I am thankful beyond words for that. I am thankful for laughs, for all the stories, for seeing him after such a long time. I am thankful I have now a whole week with him before I have to leave.