A New Class

Day 316 – When I decided few years ago that I am separating from my husband when my youngest daughter leaves home I started to think how I am going to support myself. Like too many women I stayed home with the kids and even when they got older I did some real estate work and mostly did our own real estate, plus in my country real estate is not a profession I want to pursue.  I figured I won’t have too much money but I really like to travel and so I decided to study travel. For the next two years I took all the classes I could in our local college and I got my certificate as a travel agent. I added to it a certificate as a tour guide and I was sure that this is what I am going to do from now on. But I came here only for a very short period but decided to stay and got myself a steady job and I had to burry my dream of travel. But as the time progresses I am getting a little restless, the roads are calling me. But I still cannot do it without being paid for it and so I decided to start looking into it when my daughter will be out of the military. I found that the best a course for tour guides just opened two weeks ago and so I called them and asked if I can still join them; the answer was yes. Which comes to show that if you don’t try the answer is always no but if you do, it might change to yes, like in my case. And so this coming Friday for 5 hours I will again learn about the ins and outs of being a tour guide and in a much more comprehensive course than the one I took. It’s a long course – 8 months and at the end I will have good contacts into the local travel companies and hopefully will be able to land 2-3 jobs a year and build my reputation so when I decide to pursue it full time it will be at my discretion. I am very excited about my upcoming class, and I am so happy I mastered the guts to ask for an exception.

 

I am thankful that on a day I was supposed to be so sad I am elated about my tour guide class that is coming this Friday. I am so thankful I have abundance of energy again and even though I felt so sick in the middle of the night I woke up fine and ready to face the world. I am soo thankful for all the blessings in my life.

Broken Dreams

Day 315 – I had a dream about a little house in the northern part of my country, a little house surrounded by trees and flowers and a man very dear to me who lives there with me. I was very happy and he was very happy and we loved each other so much. We had so many children and grandchildren between his brood and mine, and we all lived happily ever after, or should I say, happily until I woke up. I don’t live in this little house but in an apartment in the city, it is not surrounded by any flowers or trees and the saddest thing of all is that I don’t live here with the man I love, I live alone. I woke up and found it was only a dream, and it is very sad. It's really not my best week so far; I had a very hard time on Sunday after my daughter left and it is even harder now, especially since I know it is so wrong to break up. I had a dream about peaceful life full of love and laughter only to wake up and realize it was just a dream. Life is about the lessons we learn and what we take with us to continue our journey. I know I will be fine and I know that one day I will find a man who will not be afraid to love me too. I was so sure I found him, that the magic will hold but it didn't and I’m so sad about that. Timing is everything and ours was off; he was ready when I was not, and I am ready now but he is not. I am not sure life will give us a third chance to make it right, but this is a chance I took once, and he is taking now; how sad. It is not every day you can find someone who is plainly saying that his/her heart is broken, well, mine is broken now. 

    

I am thankful for a dream that lasted for such a short time but was so sweet and special. I am thankful for moments of sheer happiness, for realizing I can love again, even if it was the wrong time to do that. I am thankful for all the memories that are mine and cannot be taken away. I am thankful for my broken heart; the good thing about being in a very low place is that it can only get better from there.

Queen of the Desert

Day 314 – I was at the art supplies store, looking for some ideas when a friend of mine called to remind me about a lecture tonight to a women empowerment group.  I like anything to do with women empowerment so I came right away. It was a lecture about a very challenging trip for women only, called “Queen of the Desert”. An 8 days trip through Lapland in a group of about 50 women in 12 SUVs sleeping in tents, traveling through very rugged terrain and all with no men to help when they have a flat tire or a car get stuck in the mud. They have to cook for themselves and do everything. Exactly the kind of challenge I’d love to take. They don’t take everyone and you have to go through tests to make sure you fit the profile of the people they are looking for. It is also a competition and one car picked as the winner and all the four women get to go the next year for free. So of course I got all excited and I am going to make sure to sign for the testing in May. It also made me think about having the same program elsewhere. I think I will start checking about that. I really want to get into travel, it is the right thing for me and I need to be out of the office, and this kind of travel is what I like most, challenging and out of the beaten path.

 

I am thankful to my friend for calling me and reminding me about this lecture. I am thankful for such a great idea for a niche travel. I am thankful for another evening I didn’t spend alone with my sadness, but instead I spent it with friends and I heard such an interesting presentation.

   

I am Soooo Sad

Day 313 – I was very sad today. I was busy during work but as I was ready to leave it donned on me how sad I am. My daughter and her baby are back home 20 hours flight away and it will be few months before I’ll see them again. I only saw them for 5 days and now they are gone. I cannot complain, I am the one who chose to be so far away, but it doesn’t mean I am not sad; it just means I am the one who made that choice. I could not stop crying, so I decided it is not a good idea to go home and be alone. I called a friend and she asked how is the fam. I said they left yesterday. Are you a little blue? Yes I am. Can we meet for a coffee? Yes we can. It was so sweet of her, just to be there for me. Armed with some funny stories she made me laugh and forget how sad I was and then just said – so go and visit next month, just go more often for shorter periods of time. Funny because this just what I was thinking yesterday. But for some reason today everything looked so sad and gloomy, it was tearing me apart. I don’t remember being so sad in a long, long time. I know it is a good thing, it’s part of the grieving process, but it doesn’t make it any easier. And I am very sad right now for having two of my kids so far away and so out of reach, so out of my daily life. It’s true that most of my family is here, my siblings and cousins and parents, but two of my own children are far away and it just sucks; especially today. I know I will be better in a day or two, getting back into the routine, but today I am just very sad.

I am thankful for being sad; I will be much more disturbed if something like this will pass without leaving me sad. Never the less, I am so thankful to my friend for being there for me when I so needed this helping hand; I know I should allow myself to feel all the array of emotions but it was too much for me to handle, if I could at all avoid it, and sure enough, by the time I got home it was bearable and I could breathe again, I am so thankful for that.  

   

Being an Immigrant

Day 312 – Before you know it the short visit came to an end. They left two hours ago to the airport, starting their long way back home. My parents left back to their home, my youngest daughter is going back to the army tomorrow and I am here alone again after a very intense week. It was sad to say goodbye knowing it will be months before I’ll see them again. It is sad to see families all living so close to each other and we are separated by an ocean and a continent. This is the real price we pay for a choice we made 23 years ago to move away from our homeland and live in a different country. We were forever torn between the two places, knowing all too well that we will never really assimilate into our new country, but hoping our children will. But we also raised children with split identity; they feel very much like they belong to the new homeland but on the same time have a strong pull to the old one. We saw it in many families in our situation back there. And many times, as the years pile up, some of the children move back and the parents either move back or split their time between the two places. It is a very complicate thing to be an immigrant and we totally didn’t understand what we were getting into. And now we pay the price for it; we have a virtual family. Each one lives in a different place and we meet for few weeks a year at best. We can try to keep in each other’s life by skype, phone and every so often short visits, but we are soooo far apart. We cannot enjoy the simple joys in life like celebrating holidays and birthday or just sharing a Friday night dinner together. We are lucky if we can celebrate two or three special events a year together, and usually it’s not the whole family. How sad!! If I had todays' wisdom would I make the same choice again? I don’t think so, but to be perfectly honest, this is not the only thing I would change, make a different choice. But I don’t live in this parallel world and in the world I live I made certain choices, and now it is the time to pay the price for them. And it is my privilege to be able to make good on those choices, to make life better for it. I am not sure yet how, but I will find a way. but for you the reader, if you are considering being an immigrant in another country – make sure you understand what is it you are getting into. And think long and hard if you are ready to pay the price for many years to come.

              

I am thankful for a wonderful visit; I got to see my daughter and her little daughter, my granddaughter. I am thankful for every day I got to spend with them. I am very thankful to my daughter and her fiancé for braving this difficult and long flight with a 6 months old baby. I am thankful to my ex-husband for underwriting the expenses of the trip, thus allowing it to happen. I am thankful for all the good moments we had during the many years we lived as immigrants. I am thankful for the lessons awaiting for me now, as the result of our family split.

A Family Meeting

Day 311 – My oldest sister and her three children and their families all live in a city about an hour away from where I live. Today we drove there to meet them all. We have 4 babies that were born this year within 3 months in the family, 3 of them were in this afternoon meeting. And it was so much fun to meet everyone. We talked for hours and had such great time, and all the little kids add so much to the atmosphere. Suddenly from being all adults and one child there were four kids, three of them about 6 months old, so it was really a very special meeting.

When I just moved here I drove a lot everywhere, now a year later I got into the local mindset that an hour drive is very far and I rarely do this trip. Some of my family member that I saw today I didn’t see for a few months now, and it’s really a shame. I love them all dearly and an hour drive is really no big deal. I will make it a habit from now on to do it more often. Another conclusion of the meeting is that we really have to do a whole family gathering every few months, and have all my siblings come as well as my cousins and their families. I love all of them and I enjoy this warm and fuzzy feeling of family after years that we were away, so I will take the initiative to have it more often.

 

I am thankful for a very lovely family gathering where laughs and hugs and love were all around. I am thankful that even though there is some tension between different members of the tribe, we still managed to put all that for a few hours and enjoy the good parts. I am thankful for one more day spent with my daughter and her fiancé and their little baby. I am thankful my youngest daughter came for Shabbat from the army and could take part in this event. I am thankful for a great day.  

The Great-Grandparents Come to Visit

Day 310 -   My parents arrived today to see my daughter and the baby and we spent a lovely afternoon in a café on the boardwalk. It is so nice to see four generations – great-grandparents, grandparents, parents and the little baby herself all under one roof. For my parents it is the 6^th great-grandchildren, for my ex’s mom it’s her first great-granddaughter, so a very significant milestone and for every one regardless, it is very special since they live so far away and we don’t have many opportunities to see her, this is why everyone is making an effort to come here. The great grandparents are all still in good enough health and they might be able to see few more great-grandchildren, but I don’t know if they will have a chance to see this one again since they live so far away and seldom come to visit here. Stating that, my mom can’t really climb stairs anymore and so we had a change of plans and put them in the same hotel as my daughter and my ex. And so I have the house all to myself after I was so sure it will be packed.  This is one more night where I am literally falling asleep. So this is a short and unexciting, just to mention a day gone by.

I am thankful for a lovey day; I am thankful I got to see the baby and my daughter. And as usual in days like this, I am so thankful for my warm bed waiting for me after I  post this retarded entry and  then go to sleep.

A Serious Strife

Day 309 -   I was going to write about a wonderful day we had in Jerusalem. About the new archeological excavations we got to see, about the strolling in the Old City’s markets and time spent with my oldest daughter her girlfriend and their baby. But one event over shadowed it all. There was an arrangement to visit my youngest daughter at her base in the afternoon. I am using this language because I was not the one to make them although I heard from her about it and there are contradicting reports to the details. But as the day progresses it became clearer that there is no real plan to actually go there. Half an hour before the time we were supposed to be there she called and asked about it and I told her that it looks like it’s not going to happened. She got very upset and cried and talked to her dad, but to no avail. My oldest doesn’t want to go there and it’s her baby. So we didn’t go and my ex was very upset because he got all the brunt of the anger and it was not him who changed the plans and I was very upset and didn’t say a word for the rest of the evening. When we got home I had a little talk with my ex and he said that he really wanted to go and was upset he couldn’t and was even more upset that the anger was directed at him. We had a long talk and when I got home I called my youngest and heard some more of her pain. I tried to calm her down but I don’t think I had much luck. She was upset at me as well, and one thing she said stuck with me, even now hours after we hang-up the phone. She said that I am very different when I am around my oldest and I of course protested this statement. But when I am thinking about it now I finally understand what she talked about. I did not agree with what was going on but I said nothing. I fell back to my old role as the one who stands on the sideline and more so I saw aggression and I was silent, I did not voice my opinion. I fell again into the pattern of abusive relationship. I finally got it that this is the pattern all around me. I allow it to happened and I am quiet in order to “keep the peace”, to keep us all together. I allow tyranny in order to keep our relationship going. But what kind of relationship is it when it is “my way or no way”. I am not going back to my old ways, I had to fight so hard to get out of this I am not going back regardless the price. I had a good day as long as I was on my “best behavior”. I am behaving like a child in this relationship and it’s absolutely wrong. This is a very sad realization for me. This is definitely not one of my shining moments. I am not referring to the sibling rivalry - this will take care of itself; I am referring to my behavior during that incident.   

I am thankful for a very nice day we spent together. I am thankful I got to see my granddaughter for a full day, I am sad though for the rest of the day. I am very sad of the disappointment and heart break we caused my youngest daughter and I am most sad for being part of that. I am sad that I erred but thankful I am human and can make mistakes, and hopefully I can correct some of them as well.

My First day with My Granddaughter

Day 308 -   Today I finally got to see my granddaughter. And she is so cute and pretty and adorable, and… I played with her and we went to dinner, all of us, and I played with her some more and everyone else did too. It is so sweet to hear these little cooing sounds and the funny squeaks and some sounds I have no name for them but she still managed to produce them. and she was so lively and happy and ate her little dessert while we ate our food, and after about two hours she became tired and started making fussy sounds and her moms just put her to sleep. We already said good night and we each went to their own room/home so the baby can have a good night sleep since tomorrow will be a long day for the little one. We are traveling to Jerusalem, two hours away, and we have too many things we want to see so it will not be an easy day. I am happy about that – dead tired after I went to sleep at 3:30 and woke up at 6 am. So this is a short entry, I will write about the little one more, tomorrow; I am just too tired today.

    

I am so thankful I got to see my granddaughter today. I saw her five months ago and she sure did change a lot. I am thankful I got to play with her and hold her and have some quality time with her (quality for me, not necessarily for her). I am so very thankful my (almost) whole family gathered here for a week; it is so great to see everyone again and a chance to enjoy each other’s company; it makes me realize how much we are missing by being here and it tears my heart. I guess I’ll have to find some way to be thankful for that; maybe for the fact that I have a heart that can be torn. I am thankful for sme good deeds i did today in my volunteering capacity. and I am thankful I got to spend few hours with my youngest daughter, even if it was going to doctor's appointment again for her current allergy episode. still we had few hours together and I am always thankful for that. 

They are Finally Here

Day 307 -   the day started on an uncomfortable note. My youngest daughter, the soldier, is having an allergic reaction to something again. This is going on for a few days but it’s getting worse instead of better. So she went to see a doctor today. We finally figured it had to be formaldehyde that is in the vaccine she got few days ago, to which she is allergic, and yesterday she ate a cake that contained orange peel she was not aware of. At some point we were concerned it’s getting out of control, but by now it seems she managed to pull through. At the same time my oldest daughter, her fiancé and their almost 6 months’ old baby were having troubles at the airport, first with their car seat and stroller and when these were found they could not locate one luggage and it took them more than half an hour to find that the old saying is still true – the best place to hide something is in plain sight. They had so many bags and suitcases, it was easy to lose track of one. But all is well if it ends well and it did. So my youngest daughter is doing better and was not sent to the hospital, as they originally thought they will, and my oldest daughter found all the lost items and arrived safely here to the city where I live. Her dad, my ex, came with them and so we had a small family reunion and it was very nice. We spent few hours together, until they were too tired and went to sleep. I didn’t get to play with my granddaughter yet, she was too tired after the long flight – over 25 hours – I did see her and I will see her tomorrow again. It is so nice to have them here and enjoy them after such a long time away. And tomorrow my youngest will join us on her way to the doctor for a little while.

 

I am thankful that all after such a long time I get to see my oldest daughter, her fiancé and their little baby. I am thankful that it feels like we separated yesterday and that it still feels nice and at ease, I didn’t know what to expect, if there will be some element of moving apart, of becoming strangers. I am thankful for a very lovely evening we spent together. I am thankful my ex and I are finding ways to talk and be nice to each other again; we even went out for coffee in the middle of the night (and could not find an open café). I am thankful my youngest daughter is safe and getting better. I am thankful for a day that had everything in it, an emotional roller coaster, but all is well on the home front right now. I am praying to wake up tomorrow by my alarm clock and not from an emergency phone call.

On Their Way Here!!!

Day 306 -   my oldest daughter, her fiancé and their little daughter, my little granddaughter, are on their way here right now!! After more than 5 months I will get to see them again. I am so excited. Since I moved here I tried to be back home every 3 – 4 months but this cycle was longer since I had a situation at work that I could not leave for a week or two, so her I am, home bound and so happy to see them. I met my granddaughter for a few days only right after she was born and all this huge development for a tiny baby to a one that babbles, and smile and lough and so much more, I just heard from my daughter but I could not be there and witnessed it firsthand. And now they are coming to visit; more for the great grandparents that don’t really travel anymore. My parents will come and stay with me this coming weekend so they’ll have more chances to see the baby. My ex-mother in law is also very excited and starting to plan meals, and my youngest daughter is hoping to get a day off from base so she can see them as well. So we are all very excited about this visit, and counting the hours...

And I already decided I will not wait for so long again, no matter what the reason is. No one is indispensable, so if I’ll go, someone will just have to do the urgent things in my job, and the rest will wait for me. It is part of what I took upon myself when I decided to leave my children behind and move here; it is my job to keep in touch with them. So in March or April I will go again to visit there. But right now I am thinking not about my next visit but about the one that about to begin in a few hours.

  

I am so thankful for this wonderful visit and I can’t wait to see them and hug them. I am thankful for the next few days that will be filled with joy; I can’t wait for it to start.

  

Dropping Our Masks

Day 305 – Most of the time we connect with people on a very superficial level. We wear our masks very tight and we keep our pains and problems very closed and guarded. Many people do that, I know I did for so many years; everything is always dandy on the surface even in the midst of a storm. And then two and a half years ago I decided I had enough of that and as the pressure at home became unbearable and I was determined to leave, I opened up to one friend, dropped my masks and shared with her my confusion, and pain, shared with her the turmoil I was in at the time. As I found out later, when you open up to people it can go both ways, some will get scared and run for cover while others will take the opportunity and open up as well, which brings the friendship to a whole new level, much deeper and more meaningful. She was of the second kind, and even though we knew each other for many years, we only then got to really know each other. We talked for hours and she is the one who suggested I should talk to the therapist before making such a big move, and she was there for me through all the last half year as I was getting ready to leave. I really needed this friendship and support and she was wonderful. When I came here I made the conscious decision to never put on these masks again. Now that I am answering only to myself it was much easier to make this kind of decision. Not everyone can handle this kind of honesty, I did lose some friends in the past year, but I gained so much more, I gained some very deep and meaningful friendships in which honesty and openness are the name of the game; and it suits me well. I’d rather have fewer friends but good ones. I was reminded of that time in my life today when I met my friend, she is here for a short visit and is leaving next week. We met and talked for a few hours and it felt like old times, except that I am in a much better place in my life and so sure that the step I took was one of the best gifts I ever gave myself.  I can barely remember the depressed and scared woman I was two years ago, now that I am so free and happy, so independent. I watch the struggle some of my friends are going through right now and I am so thankful it is all behind me.

   

I am thankful for meeting my friend again after we missed each other in her last few visits. I am thankful for all she did for me then, for all her help and support. This was a very sad visit for her and I am thankful I was here and able to support her a little. We all take turns in being weak sometimes and needing a loving friend, I am thankful I was able to be one of those friends for her, just as she was for me on my time of need. And of course I am most thankful I got to visit my daughter who stayed on base this weekend, bring her food and spend some quality time with her. I am thankful for a great weekend.

A Very Dramatic Sunset

Day 304 – Yesterday on my way to class I saw the most amazing sunset I ever seen. I stopped right away and pulled to the side of the road and kept taking pictures until this moment in time was over. I never saw anything like it before. And today I decided to not only add this picture to my growing collection of sunsets but also to put it on my wall. I developed it to 10X12 picture and framed it and I think I will make it even bigger. A while back I decided to start decorating my walls with my own photos; I did put one picturethen and today, still in awe from the amazing sight yesterday, I went to the photo shop and developed 10 pictures' some of themf them are photos of sunsets and sunrises and some from my desert trip two weeks ago. They did not have enough frames in the store, so I’ll go back next week to get more frames and hang them all. Right now I have 5 pictures of my own creations decorating my home. It makes me feel so happy. At the shop they thought I am using a professional camera and were amazed that I use my tiny snapshot camera to capture all those great moments and places, and it made me very happy.

   

I am thankful I am slowly developing a photographer eye; I always carry a camera in my bag, especially for those fleeting moments. I am so happy I was there at the right time to capture this amazing and unusual picture. I never seen anything like it and I don’t know if I will again, I am so thankful I happen to drive by. I am most thankful for the great idea to decorate my house with my pictures; I enjoy seeing them all the time, and I am so thankful I can take picture good enough to be hanging on my walls.

  

My New Creative Writing Class

Day 303 – I was very disappointed last week when I got a call from my creative writing instructor that the meeting was canceled. Two days ago she called that she decided to move me to the advanced class that will take place today just before my painting class. And I should bring the introduction I wrote last week. It was a nice surprise to find one of my friends from my singing group here in this class as well. And I met few new and very creative people; the good thing is that even though they are meeting for more than two years, I fell right in. I read my introduction piece (instead of the assignment they had) and they all loved it. They said it was very powerful; a bombshell is the description they used. I also got some constructive ideas of how to make it better; they felt it was an introduction to a 500 pages book. In short they all accepted me right in and it made me very happy. Slowly I realize that people do like my writing and my writing style, and it makes me think maybe I am not mistaken when I want to publish my book and write more. At the end of the meeting they agreed I belong in this group. So I am very excited to see how it will transpire.

  

I am thankful for a very interesting and exciting creative writing class. I am thankful for the opportunity to get some constructive comments about my writing to make it better. I am thankful they accepted me as part of the group. I am thankful for this push to get back into writing my book.

Being Sad and Lonely

Day 302 - I came home today around 6 pm, took my dog for a walk and an hour later I was back home and didn’t leave anymore. It’s kind of sad sometimes to lock my home at 7 pm and know that I will not go out anymore, nor anyone will come to visit. I’m getting lonely sometimes. But then I remind myself that this is how life works. I will have a huge surge upwards and then the wave will subside and it will feel like withdrawal, and a lull. So I am on the low tide now. The great energy from few days ago is washed and I feel a little drained, and a little sad for being so alone, for having no one in my life right now. But I know these feelings are temporary and I know that in a few days all will be well again. So I allow myself to just be with that heavy feeling and with the sadness and not try to do anything to alleviate the pain, just breath into it and listen. There are so many lessons I can get from that simple act of acceptance.

I am thankful for the opportunity to be on a little less happy note today. I am thankful for the gifts I get for allowing myself to be sad and to slow down. I am thankful I already know the pattern and I am ready and willing to accept it. I am thankful for being sad and lonely, for the gifts it brings me.     

It's Raining Cats and Dogs

Day 301 - I live in a very dry country. A country where rain is a news worthy subject; a country where you pray for rain; have songs for rain; have a daily report of how much exactly it rained in every big city; a country where the winter is so short and unpredictable. And I just totally ignored it. I cannot believe that for the past two days it’s raining cats and dogs here and I still didn’t write about it.  I didn’t even mention that our city and the vicinity had the record rains for the country in the past 24 hours, and the way it feels today, we might break the record again. So I am here today to take care of this short sightedness. To correct what I erred. Our city sits on a mountain and goes all the way to the sea, so in some areas you can see ”rivers” flowing down the steep streets and it’s a big challenge to cross them. And of course in down town, at the bottom of the hills, there are areas that are flooded. And this is where I work. So Yesterday I just took my crocs to work and figured the water will just go in and out and at work I changed to something a little more appropriate. Another problem I never had before is my dog. She is not trust worthy as to her bathroom manners and I don’t leave her at home alone when I go to work. I have a very big porch, where she can play, has her food and even a bathroom area. The problem is that the porch is shaded but not water proofed. With the rains and the heavy winds I didn’t want to leave her all day outside. So I put her in her crate, but I don’t like that. I know it is ok if she stays for 8 hours in her crate, but I like it so much better when she is free to roam. I might make room for her in the other porch that is a closed one. I have a lot of stuff there, so I’ll need a weekend to make room for her there, but it might be the solution for the rainy season. I really like the rain, as much as it sounds like complaining. It washes everything and makes the air so clean and crisp again. It brings hope and the promise of a good tomorrow. And what’s better than to take a hot shower, and go with a good book to bed when it’s raining outside? Well, I know the answer to that, but since I have no one to cuddle with when the winds are blowing and its raining outside, I’ll make do with my book.

I am thankful for a very rainy day. I am thankful for the promise it brings with it, of good crops and enough water in the summer. I am thankful for a cold and windy evening where I already enjoyed a hot cup of tea and now I am about to continue the ritual of winter – hot bath and early bedtime, with a fuzzy music and a great book; It gives me a chance to make up for the lack of sleep when the days are nice. I am thankful for a real winter day.  

So Much to be Thankful For

Day 300 - I have many things to be thankful for today, but it is day 300 of my blog, a very significant milestone. When I set out to blog for a 1000 days I didn’t realize how long 1000 days really are. I also didn’t think it will become such an integral part of my life, of my evening ritual. No matter how tired I am; if I am traveling or at home, not even if I have very important guests that need my full attention. I find the time and get into the mindset of blogging and just do it. I start my morning with my morning pages – hand written unedited 3 pages immediately as I get out of bed and I finish my day with this blog, that his rules are very different. It can be edited, it must have a picture, and it is about something I am thankful for on that particular day, it summarizes my days and emphesizes the highlights in them, the hope, the happiness. One of my friends is making fun of me for all this writing and says I should live instead of writing. But I think I do and the writing actually helps me think, digest and plan; especially the morning pages. If I face a particular problem or issue I am not sure how to handle, I just go and take my notebook and write it down, and the writing clarifies it for me and helps me come to a solution. It also improves my writing all the time, again it teaches me to think and communicate through the written word. Since I am working on a book, it is definitely an important tool for that as well. And the blog just helps me stay optimistic, it reminds me every day how happy I am for another day that I live and well and doing what I want; and in the same time it pushes me to do things, since I cannot write every day that I am happy nothing happened. Now that I think about it, my morning pages are my inward journey and my blog is my life in the outside world and together they bring a nice balance in my life. 

  

I am thankful for arriving at such an important milestone with my blog. I am thankful for the routine I developed and the added value and clarity it brings into my life; I started it as an exercise in happiness, I never thought it will bring so much goodness into my life and I am very thankful for that. I am thankful for a much anticipated phone call that came in the middle of the night and was such a nice way to fall asleep; I am thankful for the annual checkup I did today and with great results; I am thankful for a really good book I bought today that I am planning to take with me to bed in a few minutes; I am thankful I have so much to be thankful for!!

Just a Regular and Uneventful Day

Day 299 -   I sit here every evening and write something I am thankful for on that particular day. there are days when I have to choose what I am going to write about since so much happened and then there are days when I have really nothing to say. These are the days that are testing my resolve and challenging me – what is it in my life in a day that I just went to work and back home – what is there to write about that I didn’t write yet? And work is not really such an exciting subject to talk about. Today was one of those days. I did meet my deadline at work and I had a meeting to cover all my findings; it was suppose to be one hour and it was more than four hours, but at the end of it all was covered. And after work I went with a friend of mine to the gym to the Pilates class. I wrote about it once and it still is my favorite class there. I didn’t get a phone call I am expecting but I think that saying nothing is saying something as well. In short, a very regular day and nothing really exciting to report; except for the fact that I had no bad news as well. Everyone in my family is alive and well, I feel good and had a very lovely evening with my friend and at the gym. It’s really cold and windy today so I am already dreaming about my hot shower and warm bed, in short, all is good.

I am thankful for an uneventful day. I am thankful for the continued health of all my family members. It is not a given and I am truly thankful for every healthy day, healthy moment. I am thankful to my friend for joining me to the gym and for the early dinner we ate before. I am thankful for good things and bad, I am thankful I am here to experience them.  

An Amazing Artist's Date

Day 298 -   On Thursday our art teacher gave us invitations to an opening of a very special exhibition in town. A one man show of an amazing artist – Viktor Lipkin; he is working with recycled materials – doors, clothes, keys, natural materials and creates the most amazing things I’ve seen in a long time. I had to go to work again today so, before I decided to go to the opening of the show. I was so happy I did it. Usually I don’t like recycled stuff, but he paints on it and have a very strong message in every one of his pieces. And you can see that he is not doing it because he cannot draw, on the contrary he is an amazing painter as well. There were few woodcuts of his as well and each one is something that takes your breath away. So I came for this show and I found out that he is also teaching on Tuesday mornings so I think this Tuesday I am going to enjoy few hours of painting with another teacher. In the same building  at the same time there wasan opening of a show of another artist Hadasa Lavi and few of her pieces brought tears to my eyes. it is not the same quality of work as Viktor’s but it is very introspective and from a woman’s point of view. I went to talk to her and told her that some brought me to tears and she wanted to know which ones. I showed her and she told me – so I know a lot about you now, we have to meet. I gave her my card and I hope we will. But it just spoke directly to my heart – the struggle, the sealed dreams, and the unheard cry for help. I came out of the exhibits and went right away to buy some charcoal and glue.  And on my way to work I stopped and collected some special dry materials near the beach and I know what I am going to do in the next few days – a lot of art work.

I am so thankful I went to see the opening of the shows, it evoked something very deep and primal in me. I am on my first steps as an artist but these two shows gave me a huge push and the drive to explore new media and new ways of expression. I am so thankful for such a wonderful artist date, the best I ever had.

A Creative Work Day

Day 297 -   I am working against a very tight deadline at work and I had so many things to do this week, this particular project had to be put on back burner, but it is due on Sunday morning, which implies many hours of work this weekend. So I am not going on a hiking trip this weekend and instead going to enjoy some work time. I would rather do something else, but I really have no choice. But I decided to do it my way. I woke up very late this morning – after 9 and it was so great. I did my morning pages, which I didn’t miss even once since I started about 4 months ago, and I took my dog for a walk, and I spent some quality time with my daughter. It was so great to have a relaxed time, go to a café have some great pastry and just talk. I drove her to the bus station and did my usual Friday afternoon thing, namely spend my afternoon with a book on the beach and watch the sunset. Only then, when it was already dark and chilly I started to work. I left 4 hours later and I was so happy it actually gave me an idea. Since I have a flexible work time I can do once a week a 1pm-9pm or even 2pm to 10pm. This way I get to enjoy late wake-up, and some quality time when the sun is still out and go to work later. I think it’s a great idea. I will not feel as if I am wasting all my days at work. And I’ll get to enjoy some sunlight; all good and important things for my happiness. I was so upset about it a few weeks ago and this might be a creative solution for that. I am home and happy now, for I got to enjoy my day and still get few hours of work into it. I am going now to watch a movie in my PJs as a nice ending to such a wonderful day.
  

I am thankful I had such a great day, even though I had to include in it a few hours of work. I am thankful for an opportunity to be on the beach and enjoy the warmth of the day and a beautiful sunset in the middle of November. I am thankful for every day of my life whether a good day or bad, I am alive and well and that’s what counts, that’s what it’s all about.

For a Good Night Sleep

Day 296 -   It is Thursday night and I am exhausted after a long week of very late hours, very little sleep time, so I am going to give myself a very special gift. I am going to bed; I am going to enjoy 7 hours of sleep tonight and get up tomorrow morning and be all refreshed and ready to better face the world. When I did the program “The Artist’s Way” one of the commitments was for a good night sleep, and I have to admit I let this one slide too many times. And this past week was particularly bad. So an act of pure love is starting in a few minutes. I am going to post this little entry, take a shower and go to sleep.

  

I am thankful I can take some time for myself, and just enjoy the simple things in life. I am thankful I can have a good night sleep, and can’t wait for it to start. I am thankful for yet another wonderful drawing class today, I am not posting anything but I made another cute little drawing. I think I am going to buy some charcoal and try that medium as well. Now I am even more excited, and I am thankful for that.

An Introduction

Day 295 -   I had to write a piece about myself for my creative writing class. My class is tomorrow, so I had to write it by today. I went this evening to pick up my daughter from the train station and since I arrived early I went across the street to the beach and set in one of the many cafés. I started writing and the words just flew. The idea was to peel me like an onion. I am so many things, I have so many roles, so who I really am? I am a grandmother and a mother and a daughter and a granddaughter, I am a wife and a friend and an employee. I am the courage to move back here and all my hiking trips. I am my dreams and my hopes and my sorrows, so who am I under all these layers? What is the essence of my being? I ended the piece in the state of mind when I am on the meditation pillow, the nothingness inside me, the calm, the full potential all concentrated into one point. It was a very interesting exercise. I am sure I'll have to go back and edit it many times, but I love the idea of layers, the thought of who we really are behind all our masks and all our different roles; what is our essence? And I truely believe that our potential and our dreams are what make us unique.

 

I am thankful for a lovely evening on the beach. I am thankful that in mid-November I can still go to the beach and enjoy the scene, relax and let the calm of the water wash away my day. I am thankful for the inspiration to write the introduction entry. I am thankful to the great creator for giving me the permission to create.  I am thankful for the realization of my potential.

Guess Who is Coming to Dinner

Day 294 -   It took 477 days; 183 of it before I started my blog and 294 days of blogging to get to this point; 477 since we moved here, and finally we had our first visitors in our apartment, we had our first guests for dinner. I used to take if so much for granted, to have people over for dinner, I did it all the time, but with my tiny apartment before and not too many friends, it's been a while. It is very exciting, an important step in rooting ourselves deeper into this wonderful place we decided to call home, and we couldn’t have better guests. My dear, dear friend and his very sweet daughter. The girls spent the afternoon together and i did some shopping and cooked dinner when I came back from work. by the time they drove to pick him up and bring him here, i had time to finish all the cooking, set the table and even had time to take my dog out for a little walk and enjoy some wonderful music. We had great wine that I brought in my last visit, great food and most of all great company. in short, a wonderful evening. It made me realize how much I miss this warm feeling of family and guests. How much I love doing that.

  

I am thankful for a wonderful evening, full of laughter and joy. I am thankful for all the warm and fuzzy feelings this evening evoked in me. I am thankful for a wonderful company.        

An Evening at the Mall

Day 293 -   During the week I am alone most of the time. I take classes and I see friends sometimes, but at the end of the day I am alone. And so a week like this one is very special. My daughter has a week off from the army and she is staying here with me for a few days. Sadly’ I can’t even take a day off, but we get to spend the evenings together. Today we decided to go to a movie, something I didn’t do in quite some time now. She chose the movie 50/50 which I was a little hesitant about watching right now, but it was a good decision. It’s a good movie and it deals with a difficult subject in a very restrained manner, which suits us well, and it had a very positive message which is very important as well. Before the movie we went shopping for an hour, we bought some snacks to eat in the theater, and just talked. Just a simple evening that I appreciate so much; having my daughter here with me in the middle of the week. This is a short entry, just to say how wonderful it is to have her home. We should never take something so precious for granted.
   
I am thankful that after a long day at work I got to spend a lovely evening with my daughter. I am thankful she chose to stay here on her vacation and be with me. I am thankful for life’s little gifts – a smile, a hug, the love we have for each other. I am thankful for a wonderful day.

 

Just Being Here

Day 292 -   my daughter finally got to meet with the immunologist today to see what is going on with her multiple allergic reactions in the past few weeks. And the truth is he is not really sure. It is very clear that her system got into an over reacting mode and what we see are not really allergic reactions, but random reactions to things. So the good news are that she is not allergic to everything’ like we started to think; the bad news are that her immune system is in an overreaction mode and he is not sure it is reversible.  And the options of treatment are not so exciting. Steroids, as first line of attack and if that won’t work - immunosuppressants. And he doesn’t know if it can cure her. It is a rare condition and not much in the literature about it. Definitely not a place you want to be. But this is where we are right now and it was a very emotional afternoon, of course. It is a big thing to try to digest and to come to term with. It will probably take a few days to sink-in. and I had something I had to do at work this afternoon and so after 3 hours of talking I had to leave her and go back to work. Today is not a happy day. and yet we have to find good in everything we encounter in life, we have to find something to be thankful for.
  
I am thankful it is not something that is dangerous to her life; it sure impacts the quality of her life, but doesn’t risk her life. I am thankful we know what’s going on; as difficult as it is, at least we know now what is it that was haunting her for the past few months, and knowing at least gives some hope. I am thankful most of all for being here with her; I cannot imagine her trying to deal with all this alone. It is not that I can do anything to help, but at least I am here and she can talked about it, and cry and have someone she loves so much to be with her at her time of need.