Chakra Healing

Day 652 - A friend of mine called me today to check if I want to go with her to a lecture about color healing. Of course I did. So after work I drove to her house and we went together to the event. It was a very interesting presentation. The healer talked about the chakras and their respective colors, and about healing with colors. We each had to choose three pieces of fabric in different colors from the pile in the middle of the room; I chose yellow, turquoise and purple, and then we started working on what each color means, what each chakra represents and how to heal problems in certain areas with the right colors. Some of the girls heard this kind of lecture before, but for me it was the first time, thus very interesting. As to the colors I picked, yellow is the color of the solar plexus chakra; a very powerful chakra. Turquoise - inner calm, purity, communication. And my last color was purple. The third eye - this is a very spiritual chakra; intuition, spirituality, vision; all great things. In short, I liked what it showed about me, my current state of mind and soul. So of course when she asked who wants to volunteer so she can show the work of the cakras I jumped right away. I had to lie on my back while she was holding a chrystal pendulum over each one of the chakras and we watched the movement of the pendulum, the movement of the forces in that chakra. It turns out that all my chakras are wide open and the vortex made the pendulum swing in a circle in full speed as expected, all the chakras but one - the solar plexus. And she asked me if I happen to have heart burns and I started laughing - I suffer from heart burns for years. So she told me to call her tomorrow and she'll let me know what to do to heal it. I don't know if it can do the job, but I am ready to try it, I am ready to try anything to kill my heart burns its haunting me for years. It was a very interesting evening and I am so happy I accepted the invitation of my friend. So happy to learn something new and different. 

I am thankful for a very interesting evening. I am thankful for all I learned from that. I am thankful for being the model, thus learning so much more about myself than I would being only a spectator. I am thankful for the possibility that she can help me and cure my heart burn. I am thankful for a very special day. 

Out of the army

Day 651 - A little over two years ago we came here, my daughter and I, full of dreams and hopes but facing the unknown. We have just left our home and comfortable life behind and moved here, not knowing what to expect but sure it will be something good; that it will be better and more meaningful than what we had. Trusting ourselves we will make it as such. Few months later my daughter Joined the army only a month after she almost died of anaphylactic shock, so happy to be alive, so proud to join the armed forces and help defend our country. Today marked the end of this important period of her life. She was released from service and joined the reserves. She started here as an emigrant, not really rooted here and with almost no friends; she came here with big hopes and big dreams and today she can proudly say she fulfilled one of her more important dreams and a right of passage if she wants to integrate into this society. She had and amazing and most rewarding job, she has so many friends, she speaks the language like a native and she really feels part of the web of life. Mission accomplished in more ways than she ever thought possible. She joined the army as a teenager and today she steps out as a very confident young woman, with great skills for life and a strong feeling of accomplishment. She is all grown up and ready to face the world, to spread her wings. Looking at her and how sad she was to leave her friends and job behind it made me so happy, she is doing the right thing; this place is the right place for her. She is so rooted here by now it is a pleasure for me to see that, how she blossoms. Congratulations, my love!!!
  
I am thankful for this amazing day that is finally here, bitter sweet but so meaningful, when my daughter took her first steps as a civilian. I am thankful I was here for the past two years and witnessed her falls and triumphs; that I was with her every step of the way. I am thankful that what started as a dream ended today on such a high note. I am thankful for a very meaningful and open talk I had with my father; it think it cleared the air so much and maybe even opened new ways into our hearts. I am thankful he was here today and could enjoy this very special moment in time with us. 

My Father

Day 650 - My father lives in another country and I rarely see him. It's a sad story of a broken family that tore us apart. For years we were totally disconnected and except for a few months we were never close. But time is passing and he is 83 years old now and he is finally realizing that time is running out very fast. Few months ago he contacted me saying that they will be here for a short visit and maybe I can join them for a few days. That didn't work out, like so many times in the past, but I got a phone call yesterday that he and his wife are going to be here in my city for the next two days. Today at the evening they called again saying they are in town already, staying with her relatives very close to my house , checking if I can join them. I drove there right away, straight from work, and spent a nice evening with them. It was interesting to see that for the first time he is actually seeking my company. We drove to the restaurant and he chose to drive with me and not with his wife and her relatives. And when they made plans for a full day tomorrow he said he'll stay home so we can spend some time together and when my daughter comes, she'll join us too. It's something so small but he never did that before. He always followed his wife even if he didn't like that and it's interesting to see the change. It was sad for me to see how much he aged in the past three years since I last saw him. He is shorter now and more frail. Still traveling and still doing a lot but time has taken its toll on him. From what I heard from my half sister he is also loosing his memory so I am very happy I get to see him now and I can only hope I will have few more chances to see him. We were never close but now as we are nearing the end and our last few chances to actually bond I don't want to miss that. I am sad and I will always have this feeling of missing out, of relationship that was never actually real. It is my father, even if I never lived with him, a father so removed from my life that at times I felt like an orphan, and my heart is heavy for this unrealized potential. For something that should have, could have and never really was. For always thinking tomorrow until one day almost all the tomorrows are gone; and now at the end of the road we are trying without saying that to do what we neglected to do for so many years; and it is so sad that it's almost breaking my heart. But I am happy that at least now, for one fleeting moment we can do that and maybe give each other something real, maybe love each other for the first time. 
   
I am thankful that he is here. I am thankful that he mastered the courage to actually spend time with me. I am thankful he is still OK and we can talk and spend some quality time together. I am thankful for my heart ache, it makes me realize I care much more than I thought I do; that despite our bad and painful history at the end of the day he is my father and I love him. I am thankful I got the opportunity to realize that before it's too late and for one moment when we meet maybe for the last time, it will be from the right place, from my heart. 

A figment

Day 649 - I don't even know what to say. There are some lessons I have to master before going on any further; otherwise it will become a spiral. I went to meet this guy. He sounded perfect on paper, even in all those phone calls. I checked every box on my "must have" list, even some on my "nice to have" and still when I met him I knew almost right away that it's another frog. I didn't even bother to kiss it. There was no chemistry I guess and by the fact he didn't call me I think it was both ways, or that he sensed the way I feel. Either way I am happy I made the effort to meet him and kill this thing before it grows any further but I am disappointed on so many levels - that it was just another figment; that I don't have yet this sixth sense that will tell me right away if it's real; that there are so many wonderful men in this world and so few are actually to my liking as partners; that when I found someone I thought might work he didn't; that I don't want to be alone but I cannot find the man I want to be with. But tonight I am mainly disappointed since I thought this guy is sooo everything and he was so much fun to talk on the phone but not in person, I really did not like some of the things he said. I am disappointed but happy we met right away. And I don't think I should date right now at all. I need time to be alone again, to stop running all the time. I need to quiet down and be comfortable again with nothing between me and what's hidden inside me, what's hidden from me. Time to re-think, re-evaluate, re-position. It should be me time once again.  
   
I am thankful I was courageous enough to travel to another city just to meet someone I thought might be interesting. I am thankful that we didn't drag it and found right away it doesn't work. I am thankful for a very interesting evening; the guy is really intelligent and it was very interesting to talk. I am thankful for one more frog; it takes me one step closer to my prince.

October on the beach

Day 648 - by the time I went to bed yesterday it was almost 4am, a little late even by my standards. But I knew it is Saturday and I don't have a hike this weekend so I was not stressed about it. I just turned off my alarm and put my cell phone on silent mode. by the time I woke up today is was almost 1pm! and I had few missed calls. One of which was from the friend I went to the dance with yesterday. She was bored and hungry. We decided to meet on the beach for lunch. It proved to be such a great idea. The sun was shining, it was  hot and the water with only tiny ripples to disturb the calm. We ate lunch and strolled on the boardwalk, and set on the beach talking until after an amazing sunset. Only when it was completely dark and a little chilly we got up heading home. It was such an amazing afternoon; and to think that all this happens on the last week of October is even more mind boggling. Back were we used to live Halloween was always freezing cold and we are lucky enough to be too hot! Since we are both singles the natural direction of the conversation is guys and relationships. She was telling me war stories and I had some of my own of course. and we always wonder how to be able to tell when we meet the right guy, the same thing I was writing about few days ago. Right now I am supper excited about this new guy in my life, so all day long I was thinking and talking about him, a guy that I don't even know and might be such a big disappointment, but for a few days at least I can dream and hope. We both are right now and it's cool. This is the reward for having the courage to break the bondage of my marriage and getting out. People look at it and think it is so hard to try to find a new mate, almost feel pity for me/for us, singles at old age, but today I suddenly understood it is actually an amazing gift. I am excited and have butterflies in my stomach like I didn't have in years; like being a teenager all over again. I am alive like I haven't been in years and even disappointments are part of this being alive thing, because few weeks or months later I'll be back on the horse riding at full speed with the wind in my hair, alive so very alive!! 
   
I am thankful to my friend for calling and initiating this outing to the beach. I am thankful for an amazing afternoon full of sun and sand and sea. I am thankful for a great company, for heart to heart talk. I am thankful to this guy for calling me in the middle of his hike just to tell me how excited he is about our meeting tomorrow, to let me know how much he thinks of e at the moment. I am thankful for being a teenager all over again; for dreams and hopes for the butterflies. I am thankful for an amazing sunset. I am so thankful to be in this country with its amazing weather and landscapes and mostly its amazing people. I am thankful tomorrow is almost here!

Dating once again

Day 647 - I was very sad about the break-up but knew for awhile it is coming. I am still sad about it but the divorce this week put it in the right perspective. It is only someone I met few months ago and not a life long partner. Years ago when now my ex husband and I met and got married we believed it is going to be forever, until our last breath on this earth and it sure didn't; so everything can break and life is so temporary anyway. So what if I thought this guy had the potential to become my next partner; no big deal. If I could recover from a broken marriage, I can recover in no time from a three months affair. And I sure did. Last week I put my name in one of the dating sites and I got a lot of messages; I even answered a few of them. One in particular drew my attention and the email exchange was very intriguing; we were sparring back and forth and I enjoyed it very much. He was smart and witty and very much to the point; I enjoyed it enough to give him my phone number. He called and we talked for almost an hour. It was very interesting to talk to someone I don't know at all and be so comfortable, having things to talk about for an hour, not realizing how much time had passed. More than that - I was late by almost an hour to my painting class since I didn't want to stop the conversation and I didn't want to do it while walking to class because I wanted to give it my full attention! and you know how important this class is for me, almost sacred. We talked again when I came back from my class and we talked again today for another hour. As I said earlier, he is witty and very smart and sensitive and he can sense a lot of things which is a very interesting trait. So we both want to meet now and see if it's real or just one of these figments of my/our imagination. The problem is that we live in two different cities about 1.5 hours away; we talked about it today - whether it even makes sense for us to meet since we are so far away, do I really want to fall for someone that it's so complicate to see, and definitely not on a daily basis. But what if this is it? what if I am his dreams' woman and he is my dreams' man; what if we are Mr&Ms Right? are we going to give it up just because of the distance? especially when my daughter is moving after the army to a different city which is much closer to where he lives. So we decided to meet next week and see if it's real and good enough to try to make it work. And if it does, and I sure hope it is even with all the complexity, we'll make it work. I am actually waiting for this date and will probably think about it a lot in the next two days. 
  
I am thankful for being able to date again, at least think about dating. I am thankful to my former MF for telling me about this dating site that I didn't know about and I find the quality of the people there very impressive. I am thankful this guy contacted me on that dating site, and in a way that made me want to answer. I am thankful for a great day -Jazz again in the afternoon and a dance at night. I am thankful for great time I had today on the phone with this guy I never met but who feels so familiar; for the butterflies in my stomach once again; for the impatient wait. I am thankful for an amazing day.   

So many wonderful gifts

Day 646 - I am sitting here and debating what am I going to write about. So many good things happened today, so many good things happen every day. I feel so blessed to have such good life; touched by love. Love of my friends, love of my dear ones, love of the greater forces around me that light my path. What should I write about? a good day at work? two wonderful girls, my daughter and her friend, who were waiting for me with open arms when I came back from work? a very interesting phone call with a guy I don't even know that lasted for almost an hour and was so interesting and intriguing? another paining class, wonderful as always? a date with my daughter at night? the stories she tells  me that not many parents are so lucky as to be privi to such level of intimacy? the rain, so blessed in this part of the world, that caught us by surprise and made us run for cover? the warm bed that is waiting for me when I'll finish this entry? living here in this country for the past two years? knowing that even at the worst of time I prefer to be here than elsewhere? I live here at the foot of this volcano waiting to erupt and bless my lucky stars for that. I prefer to be here and enjoy all of the above and know that one day it might end than to never enjoy all that to begin with; I prefer to die once and fully live until that day. With every passing day I am so much more convinced I made the right choice by moving here. I live life I didn't even think possible; not because I am wealthy and have everything I want, because I don't. But I live life so rich and exciting, so full of promise; I am so alive, I could not wish for anything better.
  
 I am thankful for all of the above - for the love and the talk and the painting and the intimacy. I am thankful for the rain and the sun and the warmth; I am thankful for all the gifts in my life. I am thankful for the endless potential; and for all that was already bestowed upon me. 

The circle of life

Day 645 - almost two and a half years after we went our separate ways we made it official today by finalizing our divorce. We already filed for a civil divorce where we used to live, but in my country you have to get also a religious divorce to make it official. And so we did it today and I am now officially divorced. The interesting thing is that after such a long time and when all was said and done I felt nothing. It makes me sad to think about it, how much it was over-due. We both felt the same way; all the drama is long gone, all life went out of this union that started in such a high note, a love story like in the books and ended when both sides are much older and really tired of each other; a place love left years ago, an empty shell that we finally decided to call off. We were waiting our turn sitting next to each other, making jokes, telling stories and the rabbis kept asking us if we want to re-consider our decision since it sure looks like we are good friends. But we became friends again only after I left, just after we stopped living under the same roof and have the space and the distance we needed. No regrets, not at this stage. I wish we were smarter years ago to keep our love alive but now it's a dead horse that we buried today.  In the evening we went to the wedding of our best friends' daughter, a young woman that is called the same as me since her mom liked my name so much. I know this girl since the day she was born and today I saw her getting married. It felt like my own daughter got married! it was so moving; I actually cried. We were there all the three of us me, my daughter and my ex for one fleeting moment it was like old times. How symbolic on the same day that our marriage officially ended another marriage officially started - the circle of life!! and the wedding was amazing - so happy and for ours everyone danced. We left at 1:30 am and people were still dancing at full force I just knew I had an hour drive ahead of me and I was already very tired. I barely made it home; so now I am going to sleep because in less than 4 hours I have to wake up and go to work!


I am thankful we finally finished the divorce. I am thankful we did it in such a civilized and friendly way. I am thankful for an amazing wedding we got to be part of. I am thankful for being part of the ebb and flow of life. I am thankful most of all for going to sleep right now; I am sooo tired!

A very, very early bed time

Day 644 - I went to sleep very late in the past few days and I am exhausted, so I am going to do something I haven't done in years - I am going to sleep now, yes, it's only 6 pm. I don't know if I am tired enough to sleep until the morning or not but I sure hope I can. I am so tired that I actually feel sick. So here you go - an amazing act of kindness just because it cannot go on like that. I have to drive tomorrow to a wedding about an hour away from here and in my current condition it will be dangerous to do so. I got an invitation from a friend to join him for a theater show tonight and I declined it saying I dare not drive. So yes, I am tired to the brink of collapse and this is were I am heading right now. Should I wake up at the middle of the night I'll just start cleaning the house, so no problem. It is 10 hours later now, and I wanted to write the end of the story, very unusual for me, as you know by now. I went to bed at 17:45 and I think that in less than a second I was asleep. I woke up at 2:50 am and was not tired, so just as I said i started cleaning my house. It is now 4:55 and I am heading back to bed and my house is sparkling clean and I am just tired enough for an hour nap before I wake up to start my day. I am so very happy I decided to go to sleep so early tonight. I had to break that cycle of sleep deprivation I put myself through.  
  
I am thankful I finally admitted to how tired I am and that I allow myself this luxury of rest. I am thankful for the warm and soft bed waiting for me only few minutes away. I am thankful I have a place where I can rest and recover and get energized again; that I have a bed and a roof over my head, that I don't have to look for a place to hide for the night.

In the dating business again

Day 643 - I went on a date today after work. the first date since the breakup and I realized few things. First and most importantly - I can date and it feels fine. But secondly - I am really not interested. He was a nice guy and in other times I might be more interested but not right now, it's too close and I am really not interested in starting a new relationship at the moment apparently. I need time to be alone again, I need time for myself, without having to think about someone else. My heart and my mind are not open for the BS of someone new who tries to impress me. I agreed to go on this date, but it is not the right timing and maybe he is just not the right guy and didn't do it for me. What ever is the reason I was waiting for this date to be over, so I can back home and go to bed. The interesting thing is that the guy had so many of the traits I have on my "must have" list and yet, he didn't make the cut. I guess it's a good thing; I have to understand the magic in a meeting of a man and a woman when sparks fly, or even when delicate strings are being pulled from one heart to the other. It didn't happened tonight and I don't have the feeling of missing something. I guess it is just another frog, one that I didn't even bother to kiss; it was clear even before. I am happy though that I tried, that I can go on dates and be comfortable. 

  

I am thankful for a nice evening with a very nice guy, even if it is not going to work. I am thankful for learning one more lesson about dating; I will get better with practice, a very important skill. I am thankful that I got back home early enough and in 10 minutes, way before midnight, I'll be asleep. I am thankful for lessons learned every day. I am thankful for a wonderful day, for evening on the beach; for another day in my private heaven. 

Mammography

Day 642 - Three years ago a very  good friend of mine died of breast cancer. She battled it for several years with many ups and downs until she succumbed to the disease. She died few months before I moved back here. In the summers when I came to visit here, before I actually moved back, we used to sit for hours and talk even about her eminent death. She was an amazing and ש very brave woman and those traits intensify during the period when she got sicker and sicker. When she died I decided that from now on I'll be more diligent about my mammograms. But I didn't. It's easy to forget that which we don't want to remember. I really don't know why since all it takes if about 10 minutes of my time and what is on the balance is so significant and can be the difference between life and death. But last week I saw the doctor and finally I asked for a referral and today I actually came and did the mammography; and I even survived to tell the story. I really have no explanation why I delayed it for so long. Now I only have to wait for the results, to get a clean slate for another year. But I am going to be more responsible towards my health and do all the necessary tests in order to give early detection and higher rate of survival a chance, should the disease strike. It's very simple, the fact that I don't take the screenings will not prevent the disease, it can only minimize my chances of survival. so for the memory of my beloved friend, for the sake of promoting my chances to stay as long as I can on this earth in this lifetime, I am going to practice health responsibility.  

I am thankful I finally did my mammography. I am thankful for hours of fun talking to a guy I met at the jazz club on Friday  I have to admit, it's refreshing after the serious guys I always dated  (!). I am thankful for a night of music in the choir. I am thankful for a long day that is coming to its end.  

How to find the right partner

Day 641 - Saturday is hiking day and now that the summer is over it is not as hot and it's more pleasant to hike. We gathered a group of 10 friends and we hiked for about 7 hours. The terrain was not easy strewn with a lot of rocks and boulders which makes it more difficult for people our age with knees that are not as good as they were 20 years ago, but we just walk a little slower and it's all fine. The nice thing about our group is that we know each other for a long time already and we are very comfortable talking about very personal matters and so we talk the whole time. Today, since we are all singles or at least not married so the being a couple thing is quite temporary, we had a long discussion about how we can do better at dating, how can we tell if someone is the right person or not. I said that I think the good thing is that we meet them all the time, we just don't realize that, means there is more than one person that can be the right match for us, we just have to really understand what we are looking for. We have to define very clearly what are the few things that are a "must have" for us and what are the "nice to have" when we define this list it is easier to examine whether the person in front of us have these qualities or not. I said that and realized that this is really what it is, when I'll understand what I am looking for what is it that I really need in a relationship in order for it to work. So now that I was all smart to state that I have to actually walk my talk, I have to stop long enough to think what is my short list of "must have" - thing that are a make or break for a relationship, that I cannot do without having them, and what is my longer list of "nice to have" all the things it will be nice if my mate will have or be but I know we can build a steady and satisfying relationship even if they are not present. In other words for the first time I want to look and try to understand what makes me tick and what makes me run for cover; what is it that I need in order to give up some of my freedom and be happy with the trade off, with the togetherness I will get in return. It makes me so happy to be in such a place where we can talk about personal issues and open up; a place that stimulates growth and free thinking. 
   
I am thankful for a great hike today in the beautiful northern part of our country. I am thankful for friendship that is forged on the trail and getting stronger with every hike we do. I am thankful for deep and meaningful discussions we engaged in during the hike. I am thankful for the eye opening discussion we had today. I am thankful for the opportunity now open to me to define the important things and matters in my life; for the opportunity to re-examine and rethink some of the things I declare and some of the things I take for granted. I am thankful for a great day. 

Music for the soul

Day 640 - One of my friends at work told me about this really cool bar that on Fridays afternoon transforms for three hours into a jazz joint. It sounded really good and usually my Friday afternoons are free so I decided to go today. I've been to this mall so many times and I never noticed this bar before so I hesitantly stepped in just to find myself in wonderland. It was packed to the brim with people in their 50s and 60s all in great mood and there was a band and someone was singing at the mike. Luckily my friend was there already with her boyfriend and all their friends and so they made room for me at the long table they had. I was immediately sucked into the scene. Great music and even greater mood. People were singing with the performers and every once in a while some even danced. It was all oldies music - jazz and 40-50 music. Some of the performers were professionals in the past and I could feel it by the quality of their voices, the ability to move the crowed and feed off it... It was also so nice to see under one roof so many talanted singers and musicians. It was nice to see men, because most of the audience were men, in their late 60s with so much positive energy, so happy and relaxed, just having a good time, just enjoying an afternoon filled with their favorite songs. It was so much fun and even though I knew only my friend and her BF I just felt at ease and at home; two and a half hours seemed like a minute and it was already time to take my leave. But I will be back, hopefully even next week; it was such a cool and different afternoon - a food for my soul. 
  
I am thankful my friend told me about this cool place. I am thankful I went without even thinking I am going alone to a bar and I was so rewarded for doing that. I am thankful to all the people who made this experience so very special for me. I am thankful for a most enjoyable afternoon. 

Cough free night

Day 639 - For the past two week I had a cold. I was coughing and sneezing and very congested. But it's no big deal of course and I did not let something so minor as a common cold dictate my life, and I didn't slow down, not even a bit. The only problem was that I was coughing so hard it scared everyone around me that it might be contagious, and it wasn't getting any better. So finally I decided to see my doctor today. Ten minutes later I walked out of his office with a referral for an ex-ray to make sure it's not Pneumonia, and with prescription for an inhaler and antibiotics. Maybe it was not being a  hypochondric to go and see the doctor after all. But the best thing is that he also gave me a cough syrup. I hate that stuff, but all my muscles hurt from coughing for so long and sometimes I really choke from it so I decided to take it and for the next 4 hours I didn't cough even once!! I am always trying to avoid taking medications but I guess this is an example to why sometimes we do have to bend our rules and just do what is right, in this case - take the meds. I can only hope it is not pneumonia, that there are no implications to my stubbornness.
 
I am thankful I went to the doctor and got help. I am thankful for a cough free evening. I am thankful for the magic of modern medicine; one round of medication and I am so much better. I am thankful it's Thursday, thus painting class day and another beautiful picture to hang on my wall. I am thankful I can go to sleep now and for the first time in two weeks have a restful sleep and a cough free night.    

Movie night

Day 638 - I went to see a good movie this evening - First Name - a French movie about 5 really good  friends who are gathered for dinner and all is well until one of them mention the name they are planning to call his baby and then all hell brakes loose. From only attacking the choice it becomes a very explosive evening where all the long kept secrets are being thrown at each other and what started as a joke can tear long friendships into anything but. and How do you heal the scars when you cannot undo what has being said... A very good movie that brings in some heavy weight questions and give some answers but not all. It sure highlights again how careful we should be at what we say since we can never take it back. How important it is to keep our cool and not be drown into a fight we didn't choose or need; how powerful it can be to be able to control our temper. And it comes to show how sensitive we have to be with the jokes we make, and not to fall in love with it but to be able to stop a bad one before it's too late, before we hurt someone or let the situation get out of control. It was indeed a very interesting and intriguing movie; I think I'll have to watch it again.
  
I am thankful that there is a big appreciation to European movies here in my country, something I missed very much in my 22 years abroad; there you watch local films almost exclusively. I am thankful for a very interesting and intriguing movie, a thought provoking one, my cup of tea kind of a movie. I am thankful for lunch I had today with one of my friends; it was really fun and I am happy he called me. I am thankful for a long talk with my BF (latest ex, I should say) we didn't talk since the break up and it was good to do that again. I am thankful for a very good day that is coming to its end as I am going to sleep now. Good night.    

A musical evening

Day 637 - I had to meet the appraiser today at the property I am buying so he can do an appraisal for the bank; a necessary step before getting a mortgage. I hope that in about two weeks we'll transfer ownership. The only problem was that he was delayed and by the time we were done it was after 1 pm. I am so lucky as to have a very flexible job so I just called in said I'll be very late and I just have to make up the hours. So I stayed today until 8 pm and tomorrow I have only an hour or two to make up. But it changed my evening plans of course. I wanted to see a movie tonight but by the time I got home it was too late so I'll do it tomorrow evening instead. But not to worry, my evening was fun never the less. The leader of my new choir sent us eight new songs so we can start working on them. I really like his method - he records the song for each one of the voices and sends it to us as an MP3 file so we can learn it at home and come prepared to class. It requires a lot of work of him and it is amazing that someone is ready to invest so much work into it, but I am sure the result will be great since we can get to work on a whole new level right away. I particularly liked one of the songs because it had an amazing arrangement and I can't wait to hear us singing it all together. I listen to it so many times this evening and it is still playing in my head. but it was most enjoyable evening, I sang it over and over again while searching on the internet for the lyrics to all the songs he wanted us to prepare. I can see already that I am going to enjoy this class very much and apparently few more days of the week will be glowing as well. 
  
I am thankful for another step towards finalizing the purchase. I am thankful I decided to take that step, I believe it offers me a brighter and more secure future when I'm older and cant work anymore and being single and on a very modest salary it is something I have to consider very seriously. I am thankful for a fun filled evening were I sang at the top of my voice the new songs I got , non of my neighbors came to complain so it was either - not too loud or not too bad or maybe my neighbors are just so polite. Be as it may, I am thankful for a fun filled evening until the wee hours of the night.

Folk Dancing class

Day 636 - It is customary here that all the classes start after the end of the holiday season, in mid October, and so this week I already joined the singing group (yesterday) and today I decided to try again the folk dancing class. I tried it once last year but it is on Mondays so it collided with my Tour Guides class, but now that it's over, I enjoy the free time, especially since I broke up with my boyfriend, so my time is free and I don't have to feel guilty about being busy every single day, about being active and running around all the time. So I went to the class and it was wonderful/ last year when I tried it was not a very successful experience but  now I am a little more familiar with few of the dances and especially I have so much more confidence so I don't even care if I know it or not, I can always learn if I'll just put myself out there. So this is what I did and I danced there for an hour and a half, until the advanced crowd started to join us and it was too complicate and more so too packed to enjoy it. It's funny, but some of these dances I didn't see since I was a teenager at the kibbutz; almost 40 years (!) but i was not very good at it then and now I have a chance to do it differently, with more zest. Funny that I have to be older, not as good looking as I was at 16 but happier and with less inhibitions to really enjoy this folk dance scene. The way it looks right now I am planning to be part of it for a long time. 
  
I am thankful for a most enjoyable evening. I am thankful for the idea to give folk dancing a chance. I am thankful for being alone right now and looking for interesting things to do. I am thankful for the gift of music and dance in my life, for the joy such evening brought to my heart. I am thankful I can do so many wonderful things instead of staying home feeling sorry for myself and cry.

My new choir

Day 635 - Few months after moving here I joined a singing troupe and had a lot of fun and than I flew to see my new granddaughter and was too busy upon my return to get back to the group, and I started the Tour Guides class so I postponed it for a year in my mind. you can imagine my shock when I found out two or three months later that our teacher passed away at the age of 54 from heart failure. but few months later they found a new teacher and I kept hearing from my friends how wonderful the class is and the he managed to bring them back together and create something great out of this tragedy. I promised my friends that once I am done with the tour guides class and the new year will start - I'll join the group and so I did. Today was the first meeting and I have to admit that it is a love at first sight (note). The teacher is absolutely amazing and he brings so much energy to the group, he has very interesting arrangements and it was an amazing experience. I am sold! I had so much fun and the energy was exploding, we ended it after two hours with so much joy and the feeling we did something great. I told my friends there that I am in. I just love it. the music selection but mostly his warm personality, his love of music are contagious and this is why it was so great. When you do something with all your heart it shows and it is passed on to the people around. I love singing and now I found my place to do that. I am so happy I decided to try. 
  
I am thankful I decided to try this singing group one more time. I am thankful for such a joyous evening. I am thankful my life is so full of activities and excitement I cannot dwell for too long on my heart ache and how much I miss him every moment of the day; it's not that I don't miss him, but it is something that takes the sharp edge out of it. I am thankful for two hours of sheer joy where I totally lost myself in the music. I am thankful for such an amazing experience. 

It's painful

Day 634 - I was trying to keep myself busy so I won't have time to dwell on my heart ache, but comes the time when the house is suddenly empty and I have no choice but to face it. And now is such time and it's so damn difficult. I so didn't want this relationship to end, I so wanted to give it more time, make it work. I know he is not right for me in so many ways yet I love him so much; he is such a great guy just in a very bad place in his life. I know all his short comings and I love him despite all that, I love him for who he is; plain and simple. And more than that I know and he knows how much he loves me and this is the main reason he is running away; I entered a place that is too dangerous as far as he's concerned and all the warning lights started flashing. I know he might never find anyone he'll love more and he knows that too, but he is so afraid to open up and get hurt again and nothing I say can change that. He prefers to run away from something so good than risk staying; he prefers never to stop long enough to feel again. And I got caught in this crossfire; I entered a mine field without realizing it until it was too late. Here I am with such a heart ache, knowing we could have worked so well together but sadly have to let him go; let him fade into a painful memory. Here I am sitting home alone on a Saturday night pouring my heart into a cold page somewhere on cyberspace, alone and missing him terribly; happy to be alone so I can have a moment to dwell on all this, to wallow in pain and sorrow. One moment of weakness is OK after three months of so much happiness, of so many good moments, of dreams that will never come true. Only few days passed so the pain is still so fresh and sharp. I know I'll be OK but I hate so much this goodbye; I so wish, even now, for a different ending to this story. 
  
I am thankful for the past three months that were so wonderful and full of love. I am thankful for this love that made me blossom so much. I am thankful I met him even when I know the end of the story; I would not miss a day of that. I am thankful for loved ones who were here by my side helping me even if they didn't know of all that; it was just too painful for me to talk about it, but their presence helpful and so healing. I am thankful for another day that will make the burden a little easier to bare.  

The Bridal Shower

Day 633 - The oldest daughter of our very best friends here is getting married in less than two weeks and today they had a shower for her. I know the girl since she was born, she is actually called after me, just because her parents loved my name so much, and my youngest daughter knows her all her life. We feel like we are family, that her parents are the surrogate parents of my daughter, and we love this family dearly. So it was such a special afternoon for the both of us to be there with them at this special hour, to know they also include us in their most intimate circle, to get to know their friends since we were disconnected from them all for so many years. We look at this wonderful family and it gives us hope that there is such a thing as love and good marriage, gives us hope that maybe one day my daughter will find the right man and settle down with him and they will be able to live happily ever after and not like her parent wake up one day and find out that the dream was gone. It makes us believe again in fairy tales, and wish for a dream to come true. I makes even me hope that one day I will be able to find a man that will love me and cherish our time together till the end of our days... 
but today was her day and we were all there to make her happy and special, to celebrate with her this passage into a new stage in her life and it was absolutely wonderful. We spent four wonderful hours together and all the drive back home we were still basking in the glow of the event, still finding it hard to believe that the wedding is only 12 days away. That we feel so close to them and that we love them so much, that we are so happy we are here to celebrate this special day with them. 
  
I am so thankful for such a special occasion, so thankful we are here. I am so thankful we are here and have the privilege to mark special dates with this amazing family, good times and bad. I am so thankful we are getting into the fabric of life here more and more with each passing day; that we cannot untie it anymore, that we are here to stay.   

Painting to order

Day 632 - We are finally over the holiday's season and life gets back to normal. And the best thing is that all the classes start again. So today is Thursday - my painting class, my favorite day of the week, hands down. I took the painting I started two weeks ago - "the Dream" and I took also a blank canvas. I am still not connecting enough to the old drawing, I tried for a while, made a big mess and put it aside. Last week one of my friends asked me to paint a "realistic painting for him, some kine of a landscape" I told him I am not sure I can do it but i'll try. I really did, I looked at some pictures and picked a very serene autumn scene but as my work progressed it was less what I saw and more what I felt; a rush of brush strokes in autumn colors but not realistic at all. I don't know that my friend will like it but I sure do. The interesting thing is that it's very calming for me, and I love the colors. I don't think I am willing to part with it so fast. It's funny but each one of these painting is coming from a place inside me and so I find it very difficult to let it go. each one of them resonates with me. Sometimes I struggle with a painting for a while, not really managing to connect the right way, but once I do, it just flows and the result is that I am in love with the piece, that I cannot let it go. Even when I started this painting with the intention to sell it to my friend, it still too personal; too nice to give it away. Maybe as I will paint more, I will be able to part with the old ones, not sure yet but maybe. Mean while my house looks like a gallery, so many pictures are hanging on the walls and I just love it! I am so happy our class is back in session, I really missed it last week. 
  
I am thankful for a wonderful painting class today. I am thankful for an idea my friend planted that became a very special painting, one that is already hanging on the wall in my bedroom. I am thankful for the joy of painting.    

Investments

Day 631 - I am not going to write about the man I am dating, was dating, wish I could still be dating... I am not going to write about that. It's too close, and painful and confusing. But today was also the day I signed the contract to buy an income producing property, the first one I am buying on my own, the first one I am buying here in my country and it is a very big and important step. I have a real estate license in the country I came from; I bought and sold many properties. I managed rentals, and tenants and constructions; so I am not new to the field. But I had a back up. I had a husband who earned enough and wealth to back me up. Things are very different now. I am the sole provider, my salary is much smaller and I am doing it in a different country, not totally in the game yet. So Now is the time for me to learn about mortgages here and how it work, how the whole real estate market works here. I am new and inexperienced but I think the seller, who is my friend, is a very honest guy and that I am making a good business decision. I signed the contract today and as soon as I get the mortgage I will get the place. It is already rented for the next 2 years so it is an easy way to get into the business. I hope that in the near future I will get more money from my ex and that I will be able to buy one more such property and a house to live. If I can buy one or two more properties I will have and income enough to support me after I'll retire and this is what I aim to do. I don't have a retirement fund because of all the moving so this will serve as such. It makes me so happy to get back in the game.
  
I am thankful for a day that started on such a negative note but ended with a bang. I am thankful for this opportunity to take my future into my own hands and not rely on anyone else but me. I am thankful I am in a position to make such a move; I hope it will be the first of many.

One more frog

Day 630 - sometimes I so want something to happen that I try to avoid the facts in front of me. I don't think I am the only one doing it but it really doesn't matter, it doesn't make it right just because others are using the same practice. I know for quite some time already that this relationship with the man I am seeing is not going to work, I know I don't get from it what I need and deserve, but I really like him and so for weeks on end I am piling excuses in order not to put an end to it. Even when I did last week, it took one act of kindness to blur it all again for me and let me keep the illusion a little longer that maybe things will change, that maybe he is just this or that. But what it really is that he is a great guy, there is no doubt about that, but this is not going to work; I need more and I deserve more and he cannot give me that. It is a very sad realization for me; for so long I was hoping and dreaming but this did not change the reality, just made me blind to it. We met this evening and after about an hour it was crystal clear to me - this is IT, things will never change - am I ready to settle for that? and my answer was finally NO; I just got up and left. I finally got the clarity and from that the strength to accept that which cannot be changed and declare it is not enough for me and leave the stage. I am sad, of course, he is such a great guy and I know that there was such a great potential here, but the stars did not align, our timing was off, what ever the reason is - it didn't happen. So, one more break-up, one more heart ache; the life of a single woman that chose to leave all behind and believe in second chances, in fairy tale ending, in dreams. But through it all, I learn so much about myself, I get all those wonderful gifts and I still believe that one day I will find my prince, I just have to be patient and keep kissing frogs.
  
I am thankful I finally got the courage to open my eyes and realize it is a mirage, and not real. I am thankful I got the strength to get up and just leave. I am thankful for this wonderful man, for the time we spent together, for the dreams that didn't come true, but were wonderful never-the-less. I am thankful for lessons I learn every day, even if this one is painful. I am thankful I finally was ready to admit that all my kisses did not turn this frog into my prince, and put him back in the pond.  

Old New Friends

Day 629 - we spent a quiet day at home after the intense day yesterday. We talked, watched a movie, talked all thing we can do at home in our PJ without moving too much. At the evening one of my friends from the Tour Guides class called and asked if I want to go with her to visit another friend from the same class. these are the same friends I went to dance with on Friday and two of the people who were in my party yesterday, so I did. We spent few hours there and it was very nice. Another friend from the course also joined us later on. Apparently they were meeting regularly during the past few months and form some reason they decided to add me to the group. I felt a little uneasy to realize how little attention I paid to all my friends during the class. I came to study and not really to make friends where as they did both. I really like them and I am happy I get a chance to get to know them better now. It is just so strange for me to join the group now when they are so united and have so many stories and memories they share, how oblivious I was to all this. So this evening was an eye opener for me; to learn their personal stories, the dramas of the past few months and to take new strides together in a road I hope will be shared for a long time,  friendships in the making.
 
I am thankful for a quiet and slow day today, I needed it after the high action of the past few days. I am thankful to my friend for including me in this close and intimate circle of close friends. I am thankful for a fun and interesting evening, for heart to heart conversation. I am thankful to my daughter for a very special day, like always when we have time just the two of us. I am thankful for a special day.

The party

Day 628 -  it was a great evening. I am a little tired right now, no coherent writing will come out of this one. I'll write about it tomorrow, but I just wanted to acknowledge it and be thankful, so thankful to all my wonderful friends for making it such a wonderful evening and most of all I am so thankful to my wonderful daughter for all her amazing help, I wouldn't make it without her.

Hiking again

Day 627 - to commemorate the birthday of her late father, the daughter of the guy who created most of the trails in our country and put an ever lasting mark on the hiking culture here decided to organize a series of  hikes opened to the public and free of charge. For most of them I was busy with work but today is Saturday and I so I joined 5 other people from my hiking group and we joined them.The weather was great, cloudy and not too hot, the guides were young and very enthusiastic and good. The company was great, as always, and we had two new people today and it seems like we might picked one or two more people from the attendees of today's hike. But most important is that after another long break due to my project obligations, so I was very happy to hike again, to be with my friends on the trails, basking in the warmth and beauty around us. I have to admit I was tired; apparently 3 hours of sleep after a night of dancing are not enough and my knees and feet were hurting for the first few minutes, but I didn't give up so the pain did. but right now I am really sooo tired. So again, a short entry but from a very good place. after spending a whole day outdoors, after meeting new people after just having such a good time. It is so easy to forget this feeling of happiness at the end of such a day.
  
I am thankful for a great hike. I am thankful for the joy of meeting new people; I am thankful such a great day, especially when it comes on the tail of a great night. I am thankful for the coming party tomorrow I get calls about it everyday and it makes me so excited. I a thankful it is only 10pm and I am signing off and going to sleep now; I am dead tired.  

The Brith

Day 626 - I don't use this blog to express my political opinions but I do have some and There are certain areas in my country that I don't visit on that ground. My brother and all his family live in such place and I never visited him until today. His daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. And today was his "brith" and we went there, my daughter and I. They are very religious and are there believing it is their mission, a small community, very poor but very happy and with such spiritual strength that it was a very unique experience. The place is beautiful, the landscape is amazing and the community very close, tight, and supportive. As much as I resented going there before, I am so happy I did. I made them very happy and I opened my eyes and my heart to something I never did before and I am so happy I did. Later that night we went dancing. I organized few of my friends and we went all together and it was so much fun. We were four people, two from my your guides class, my MF decided to join us also and we had a lot of fun together. I saw a side of my MF I've never seen before, he dance and laughed and flirted, all good things. It was also interesting how easily he connected with my friends. So a great evening, following a great day. 
  
I am thankful I decided to go to the brith and to visit my brother's family. I am thankful I can find it in me to see good enen I places I don't agree with. I am thankful for a great dance. I am thankful my MF decided to join us, for seeing a side of him I never seen before. I am thankful for a most enjoyable night, for an amazing day. 
  

I decided to throw a party

Day 625 - I am getting tired of being alone on the holidays and I thought of inviting my friends over - kind of "let be alone together". I talked to a few and got great feedback, I guess I am not the only one in this position, so it is set - this coming Sunday is going to be my first party at home since I moved here a little over two years ago. I am very excited about it. I used to throw parties and entertain a lot and it is something I really liked doing, so I missed it and I really don't understand why it took me so long to realize that nothing prevents me from doing it, I just have to decide; and finally I did. I have to admit I am a little rusty, it took me few trials until I got the food assignment down, but overall it's something you just don't forget, like riding bicycles. So here we are with about 10 people already RSVP, about the capacity of my entertainment ability, any more and I'll have to borrow chairs. It's going to be interesting mix of people from all the different facets of my life - few from my hiking group, few from my painting class, few from my tour guides class and maybe even my MF, not sure yet; he doesn't want to commit and I am fine either way. I find it very interesting that each one of us, or at least most of us, have so many different facets, like a precious diamond, and we meet in each of these activities people that are doing other things as well, so we might be very different people that just happen to have one hobby or interest in common. I don't really know how all the mix will work together, but I love them all so I really hope they will.

I am thankful for this up and coming party, long overdue but so special because of that, and I am really, really excited. I am thankful I have so many friends by now that I cannot invite them all in the same time to my house. I am thankful to my friend who called me tonight and suggested we'd go and see the outdoors event in the harbor area of our city - a huge event with street performers and food and music - we had a blast. 

A quiet evening at home

Day 624 - After two days at the conference and a long day at work with a very late visit, I am back home. I thought I would like to go out, I even tried to convince a friend to go with me but I came home and didn't feel like leaving again. It's good to be home and relax after few such intense days; to let the overdrive I was in to wash off and allow for some quiet and calm to replace it. I filed papers that where shoved into all different hiding spots, I took care of some bills, of some things on my errands list, in short, I let the routine take over, I try to get back to normal mode. I love my job - the constant changes, the meeting of new people all the time, a conference, some networking but it is very draining and it is so wonderful I have some lull time now to recharge, especially that it came on the tail of my race to finish the project, so really a very intense month. So at the end of a long day and a long week and a long month I really do appreciate some alone time at home, the blessed routine. 
   
I am thankful for a very intense trip and a very rewarding one. I am just as thankful to be back in my own home, my own bed, my own little heaven. I am thankful for constant changes, for work that is never boring, for life that is so exciting and fun. I am thankful for a quiet evening for the lull. I am thankful for an uneventful evening.     

An amazinge act of kindness

Day 623 - I was very upset yesterday after the nasty e-mails׳ exchange with my ex. I am a very calm woman and very rarely get upset or angry, but I did get upset yesterday, very upset. I wrote a sad SMS to my MF, yes the one I just broke up with, and told him how wonderful it could have been if he was here since I really needed a shoulder to cry on.  Two hours later he sent me a message that he's on his way and will arrive in time for my four hours break!!! And so he did. We spent a wonderful afternoon together, wondering through the bustling market, eating in a really good restaurant, and just enjoying each others' company. It was so nice and exactly what I needed, but most of all, I was touched to the very core of my being. This is the guy I just told two days before that we don't work as a couple, that I need more commitment than he can give me and here just because I was upset he drove almost two hours in each direction just so he can spend four hours with me and cheer me up; be there for me at my hour of need, not expecting anything in return. I am standing here with no words to describe such an act of kindness. And this is exactly  why I kept saying that I want to give him more chances. Underneath it all there is this big and loving heart; I know it is there even if he is too afraid to admit to it; and I am speechless in its presence. I have to find in me the ability to look beyond his non-committal words to his hidden commitment, to his love and care. Can I do that? Can I somehow keep this very special man in my life, as my partner? But regardless of the future, this moment in time, encapsulated and whole, was perfect, and for that I will always be thankful to him. I can only hope I will be able to pay him in kind; and that one day I'll be able to do a real act of kindness, no strings attached, towards someone who needs it. I hope I can be just as kind, just as good.
 
I am thankful for the trial I went through yesterday; it is very important for me to understand with whom I am dealing, the good and the bad. I am thankful beyond words to my friend; for being a true friend, for doing such an act of kindness, for asking nothing in return. I am thankful for an amazing lesson. I am thankful for an amazing afternoon, that even now, six hours later I cannot get over it. I am thankful for trials in my life that illuminate the good I am surrounded with. I am thankful for such an amazing day!!!

I lost my cool

Day 622 -  I had an ugly fight with my ex today via emails. All while I am working at the conference. His behavior left me stunned. It never fails to amaze me how some people behave when money is at stake. I am appalled by his reacting. For a few minutes I wanted to send this chain of emails to my kids so they'll know who their father is but then I thought better of it. Still, a friend called me few minutes after it happened and I told him some of the story and used words I never used in my life. I am so thankful I got out of this mad house, out of this marriage!! I thought no one can make me upset anymore, but that man has some cruelty in him that is beyond me.

I am thankful more than I'll ever be able to express that I am out of my previous life. I am thankful that this man is out of my life and that our religious divorce will take effect this month. I am thankful I might get upset for a few hours but then I go back to my sane life, away from all this.