Day 275 - When I was 14 1/2 I lived on a kibbutz. There was this group of teenagers in 12th grade that came to work there as volunteers for two weeks. We were all working hard, waking up at 4 am to work in the fields, and one of those mornings a guy from that group set across from me, in the truck taking us to work, our eyes crossed and that was IT, a love at first sight, like in the fairy tales. Sadly, it didn't end the same way. Five years later I ended this chapter in my life and I pretty much broke his heart doing that. And so I lost touch with him for the next 27 years. Thanks to the social networks that sprouted then, we found each other again, and very hesitantly started the delicate work of getting to know each other again. Last year when I made my final decision to leave home, he was the first one I contacted, and upon my arrival back here, and now in my new status as a soon to be divorced, he was one of my first phone calls, and he was absolutely amazing; and now from the height of my 53 years on this earth, I could see so many things I was not able to see when I was younger. We talked for hours every week diffusing my loneliness. I came back here after so many years away and after a long marriage that was not good for me for too many years, that brought me down to my knees. I really needed a good friend and I especially needed time for myself, to recover and find out again who I am and what I want to do with the second half of my life. And he was there for me so much, when I so needed this help, when I so needed to hear that there is good in me, that I can shine again. I listened to him and could not believe he even wanted to let me be in any way part of his life, I felt I don't deserve his friendship. I was so not the right girlfriend for him when we were younger, and I hurt him so much, and still in my hour of need he was there for me. I didn't say it then, I never actually did, but it pains me now so much to think how much I hurt him. And there is nothing I can do about it. I can only feel bad about it, very bad, and I do. I look at him now and I keep wondering how different my life could have been had I not made that decision back then to leave. This is not a thought I can even entertain, I would not give up my children for anything, and I think that life is about learning from all our deeds, good and not so, but especially now, when I know the end of the story, I can ask myself the "what if…" question. There is no answer to that, of course. Today we met in the afternoon on the beach. He came with his ex-wife and two daughters and I was there with my youngest daughter and the three girls hit it off right away. An hour later they were already planning a trip to Europe this summer and I looked at all this and again asked myself the very same question, and I still don't know the answer.
I am thankful for this friendship I so don't feel I deserve. I am thankful for the heart aches and for moments of sheer happiness. I am thankful that at the end of the day a beautiful sunset is awaiting us and we got to watch many of those together in the past year. I am thankful for the friendship we creates out of the ruins.
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