A Different Angle

Day 149 – this visit has been an exercise of will for me. I came here with one main purpose – to see my new granddaughter. It was also a chance for me to see my son but the specific dates were chosen to be as close as possible to her birth. I am here but after more than a week I’ve seen her twice for a total of three hours. It is sad especially considering the fact that it will be such a long time before I will come again, I finished all my vacation days for the year. I can choose to be upset, to have negative feelings of any kind, but this can bring no good at all. So, instead I just enjoy the time I have here, I see some friends, I work on my album project and I enjoy spending time with my son, something I didn’t do in a very long time and was really needed. I did see the baby, even if not much and it is more than I expected few months ago, so it is actually something to be thankful for. And, as I said, I got to spend some quality time with my son again something to be very thankful for. He had few rough years and not much of heart to heart talking that we did, so I am very thankful we could do it now. I also had time today to cook dinner, something I didn’t do in a very long time. I used to cook every day for many years and loved it, but almost stopped completely since I moved back to my homeland. Between the lunches I have at work and the too small kitchen I have at home I just barley cook. I realized today how much I missed doing that so I am thankful for that as well. Difficult times are always time for growth, of self-discovery. I am trying to use this visit and its challenges for just that. I also have to realize that the fact I came to visit doesn’t mean it is convenient time for them. They just had a baby, they learn how to be a family, they have to deal with a crying baby and lack of sleep, and I am sure there is so much that is not yet dealt with between us. I came her knowing that it is unclear how much I will be able to see the baby. I did see her and so I am very thankful for that. I will have to work harder and smarter to try to find a way to my daughter’s heart again. But now is not the time. So I am here so it will be her choice to not see me and not that I didn’t care enough to come. So in a few days I will leave in peace. I came, I was here and then I left – anything else is out of my control, so I let go. I take a deep breath, and open my heart, whatever comes is welcome.
I am thankful for a trip of self-discovery. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with my daughter and her family, with her little daughter. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with my son, for the heart to heart talks, some long over-due. I am thankful for all the lessons in my life.