Day 322 – I am working on my book almost every day now. I think it’s doing wonders for me. I am suddenly reminded of my life before I left home, and probably my friends’ visit here brought it back to me as well. I am living now for almost a year and a half alone; I am living on my own. I make all my decisions for myself and I have no one that can criticize them. This is not to say that every decision I make is great; it does not imply I know all the answers, it just means that I am living by the decisions I make, and if I made a bad one I have to face the consequences of that. It is the only way to really grow. Not being protected from the consequences of my actions. It is my privilege and my right to make mistakes and learn from them.
I am reading through my journals and being reminded of the endless fights and arguments about different things and I cannot say I miss it, not even one bit. I was writing lately about settling down, about living with a man I love and do the "living happily ever after" thing, and it suddenly donned on me – no, I really don’t want that now! I am still not tired of being on my own, and didn’t enjoy enough this newly gained freedom. I am so happy I don’t have to get anyone’s approval or even opinion about things I think or want or do; about the mess on my desk, or the art supplies that are scattered on the floor of my porch. About where am I going this weekend or the next; about whom I see, or what I say or how I am dressed. I miss very much the idea of having a loving man in my life; but I am not ready yet to pay the price for that. For too long I had to give it up; I had to fight so hard and go through so much to get to this point where I am today. So, yes I miss having a steady and loving relationship, to have this special man in my life; I miss the warmth of this man through my days and my nights. But I miss more the idea than the real thing. I did not enjoy my freedom long enough to agree to surrender it. I am sure that in a few years I will be ready, I am too much of a romantic woman to live the rest of my life alone. I still have my dreams about a loving man sitting with me on the bench when I am 90 years old, holding hands. But, and this is what I finally understood, I am not ready yet to make that move. I still have my dreams of traveling around the world. When I am back I will probably be more ready for that. But not today, not that soon.
I am reading through my journals and being reminded of the endless fights and arguments about different things and I cannot say I miss it, not even one bit. I was writing lately about settling down, about living with a man I love and do the "living happily ever after" thing, and it suddenly donned on me – no, I really don’t want that now! I am still not tired of being on my own, and didn’t enjoy enough this newly gained freedom. I am so happy I don’t have to get anyone’s approval or even opinion about things I think or want or do; about the mess on my desk, or the art supplies that are scattered on the floor of my porch. About where am I going this weekend or the next; about whom I see, or what I say or how I am dressed. I miss very much the idea of having a loving man in my life; but I am not ready yet to pay the price for that. For too long I had to give it up; I had to fight so hard and go through so much to get to this point where I am today. So, yes I miss having a steady and loving relationship, to have this special man in my life; I miss the warmth of this man through my days and my nights. But I miss more the idea than the real thing. I did not enjoy my freedom long enough to agree to surrender it. I am sure that in a few years I will be ready, I am too much of a romantic woman to live the rest of my life alone. I still have my dreams about a loving man sitting with me on the bench when I am 90 years old, holding hands. But, and this is what I finally understood, I am not ready yet to make that move. I still have my dreams of traveling around the world. When I am back I will probably be more ready for that. But not today, not that soon.
I am thankful for the magic moments that are touching my life every day; for the understanding it brought to me today. I am thankful for my freedom, for living on my own. I am thankful for lonely moments and for moments of joy. I am thankful for every day and the presents it brings me. I am thankful for the fullness of my life.
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