Day 682 - I drove today to visit my parents, picking up my daughter on my way south. It was good to see her after a week apart and hear some of her stories; settling down into this adult like routine, work, new friends... She is really so mature and it makes me so happy to see how she is doing it all on her own; how she handles everything with her usual poise and resourcefulness how a twenty years old woman is taking her first step in this strange and unknown world of "after army service". I saw her apartment only on the day she moved in and now, two weeks later it looks so different, like the real thing. She worked her first full night shift and was very tired in the evening, but happy for the promise of freedom and control this work gives her, for stability and growth. I have to admit I am very tired as well after another too short of a night sleep and a long drive, so I'll finish writing and go to sleep as well.
I am thankful I finally made it all the way to the south to see my parents. I am thankful I've found them in good spirit and health; time does take its toll on both of them, but it's a slow process, just the way it should. I am thankful for the quite and peaceful atmosphere that gives me the permission to go to sleep so early; I need it more that I realized. I am thankful for quality time I had with my daughter as we made our trip to my parents'.
Day 681 - I went to lunch today with a friend I didn't see for a while and it made me realized how much I changed. This journey of self discovery, this tarot course and the hours long talks with my new man are helping me connect few more dots, pin down few more points that eluded me before. I am able to give names to gut feelings and intuition. I find bits of my story in every card and it makes me so happy; to see how I took the right steps, how without understanding why I took and am still taking little steps in the right direction. I read yesterday night about the chariot card it talks about fulfilling a dream, about not giving up and be ready to fight for them. A long time ago I wrote that I am ready to fight for my right to live my life the way I see fit and here it is - the chariot card - telling me that if I won't do that something will die in me, just the way I wrote it almost three years ago. I am so proud for the part of the journey I took so far, I know I have so much more to learn I find this promise very exciting. I cannot wait to see what else is there for me; what other gifts are waiting for me at the side of the road.
I am thankful I was introduced to the magical world of the tarot. I am thankful I can take this ancient knowledge and apply it to my life and grow. I am thankful for extremely interesting conversation that lasted hours. I am thankful for his love and care for an amazing gift that came from the heart and was accepted the same way.
Day 680 - I went today to visit a friend that is sitting "Shiva" after the untimely death of her younger sister. It puts everything in perspective, the frailty of life and how temporary they are. My heart went out to this young family a very young man with 3 small orphans, an eight months baby that will never know her mother. We all have to face our death but 31 years old is way too young to die and especially at the most exciting time of their life and suddenly its all gone.
I am thankful for the gift of life; we should never take it for granted. I am thankful for everyday I go to sleep and wake up the next morning. And yet I am so sad for the devastation I saw today.
Day 679 - I am struggling to find a subject for the entry today. When I started this blog I said that every entry should be about something different, that I cannot write about the same thing everyday. But the only thing I want to talk about is this new man in my life. Two days after we met I already started saying he might be the one, and with every passing day this feeling gets stronger. He lights up my days with endless laughter, with stories with silly things he does. He fills them with tenderness I forgot exists. He shows me how to open up my heart and feel again, how to trust again a man. Hesitantly we engage in this magical dance; entangling more and more, allowing our souls to intertwine.
I am thankful for every day, for every moment. I am thankful for everything, good and bad that happened in my life, because this is what made me who I am today; this is what brought us together. I am thankful, scared, elated... OMG, make this last forever!
Day 678 - I was working today on a very difficult issue in my tarot reading class - the lovers card where they talk about emptying the spiritual paths in our lives; or in other words, the issue of attachment. Moving here and leaving almost all of my stuff and my belongings behind was a very good thing. I don't cling to a past that is no longer here and I don't clatter my new life here with memories. I thought I am going to have an easy sail but no, if I am honest with myself I still have a lot of work to do. Pictures I should have erased long ago, books and even some cloths; small memorabilia... the usual. It is amazing to see how much I accumulated since I moved here; how much I still hold on to things from my past, to friends that have negative influence and I should let them go as well; and clear the path even more. The last stage is to clear the path and our minds from negative thoughts and actions. Here I don't even know where to start.
I realize when I read the material how difficult it is for me to clear the path on some issues. I find it hard to through away old pictures, books and most of all friends; to leave behind bad and negative thoughts. I can see the importance of this stage, but I have to admit, it is going to be very difficult and will take time and at the end of the day, it is more of a guideline that law, I do just as much as I am comfortable with.
I am thankful for this lesson, the fact it is difficult for me means it is a very important step I have to go through. I am thankful for the challenges in my life, even if these are ones I am inviting in. I am thankful for a long but interesting day.
Day 677 - what if after a little over a year that I felt myself strong enough and whole enough to start dating again, what if suddenly it feels like I might have found him? How do I keep my heart soft and open enough to find out? How can I find the power to stay present and relaxed when I am facing this tzunami? How won't I run for cover and convince myself he's not, just so I won't get hurt if he will not reciprocate? Can you even tell after such a short time?
Questions, so many questions. The fear is rising his ugly head again. These are all good and valid questions and I have no answers just a realization that I don't remember the last time I felt this way, that the stirrings in my heart are so different. That I feel like we've known each other for years. That we both talk about long term plans as if it's a given, like two romantic teenagers and not like two battle-scarred adults. That we can sit and talk for hours with open hearts and so much trust and suddenly realize it is 2:40am!! That our time together is so meaningful, whether we hike, or cook, or study. That at the end of such a long day I wish there where few more hours, so we won't have to take a break. That we are going to be apart now for a few days and it makes me sad even to think about it. That I crossed every "must" and "nice to have " on my list when I met him, that he is everything I was looking for, for so many years... That I think I might have found "the one" because if not than I've found the man that will break my heart, big times. How scary, and yet how wonderful.
I am so thankful we met. Regardless of the outcome I am so thankful our paths crossed. I am thankful for all these strange new feelings; for my heart that is waking up from many years of hibernation, of being buried. I am thankful for the promise and most of all for the courage to keep exploring this unique and very promising relationship. I am thankful for the hope rising slowly on the horizon...
Day 676 - I live in a city perched on a mountain, a very beautiful mountain at that. I hiked its deep ravins many times, walked the crest of the mountain where the city is located but never did the full hiking thing in the urban area, after all I do own a car. That all finally changed today. We decided the day is just too nice after two days of rain and it will be silly not to take advantage of it; so we decided to go for lunch in "the wadi" an area at the botto of the mountain, just for the sake of absorbing some sun and fresh air, just for the fun of doing something we both like very much. And since hiking on the unsaved area is not much fun after two days of heavy rains a city walk is a good alternative. We hiked all the way down the mountain to that neighborhood, stroll its market and ate lunch there before making our way back all the way to the top of the mountain, climbing hundreds of stairs, which I have to admit is a little challenging but a lot of fun. The whole trip took us several hours and it was so much fun. I never had a partner that liked hiking and it is such a wonderful experience. It is something I really like and don't want to give up, so a partner that doesn't like hiking always presents a problem; and besides it's such a great activity and it's nice I can share it with someone dear to me, make him part of my life, add another facet to our relationship. With the ultimate hiking goal in our country is already under his belt and in a way not many people, definitely not in our age, can do hiking it all the way in one strach over so many days and weeks; he walked the entire Israel Trail; a trail in our country that was chosen as one of the best trails in the world. This is something on my bucket list, so I sure appreciate such a feat. In short, hiking is for sure a point in his favor, a big one; and I totally enjoyed that today.
I am thankful for a beautiful day., sunny and warm after the rains. I am thankful for a great day outdoors. I am thankful I found a guy that likes hiking at least as much as I do; it is so important for me and only today I realized what a big difference it makes. I am thankful for a great day, a great weekend.
Day 675 - It was a very rainy day, not really a day to go hiking. So we we decided to cook something nice and eat at home, and it was for simple food, didn't want to spent a whole evening in the kitchen. Being a former restaurateur he wanted to cook for me and I loved the idea, of course. And this is what we did. It was so much fun to be both of us in the kitchen and cook, especially because he asked me to put some music he chose. We switched from one piece to the next and even continued doing that though dinner and long after that and it became such a special evening. I never had anything like that we talk all the time, and laugh and just enjoy each other's company. We even worked at night on few more tarot cards. I have to admit I don't remember when was the last time I had so much fun;when was the last time I met someone so interesting, with so many fields of interest and such a wide base of knowledge; just the things I always look for in a partner, the things that excite me and make me awake and engaged. I said it last time and I say it again. He sure doesn't feel yet like a frog. Who knows, maybe I have found a prince.
I am thankful for someone so special that entered my life. I am thankful for so much intellectual stimulation and just pure and simple fun. I am thankful for such a great day.
Day 674 - My daughter is back after a week in the military reserve, from her deployment. Only now when she is back and safe I heard the real stories, what she saw and experienced. She wanted to protect me, so I wont worry and for that she had to hide a lot from me during the week. I understand why but still I was very sad because it meant she could not share her fears and pain with me. I asked her to never do that again. I can take it, I saw her almost die, but I want to know when she is in danger or not safe. I want to be part of her life for better and worse. My heart goes out to her, to experiences that no one has to go through. She gave name and pictures for me to soldiers in the battlefield. I never thought of it in these terms and I guess I'll never be able to sleep the same way again when something happens on the borders. But this is how it should be. I live here so I have to fully understand what it means; all the way. To the fear, and the worries, to the small acts of bravery, or cowardice. To boys who are forced to become men in a matter of days; who are being exposed to the kind of decisions no one should be forced to do. She went there as an innocent young woman and came back, only a week later, as so much more. She came back overwhelmed with love to all these boys, with a deep resolve to be of help, to be part of it. With so much more understanding of the conflict. She came back with teary eyes and strong heart. I am standing here, looking at her and admiring what she did; as always admiring the young and strong woman who is blossoming before my eyes. Praying for her safety in hindsight, what I should have done and didn't know; with a heart full of emotions and thanks she is safely home again. I am thankful and proud to be the mother of such an amazing young woman; I look at her and my heart is so pull - full of love and of pride of who she is and what she is capable of doing. Of her courage and dedication; of her love and compassion. of who she has become.
I am thankful this war is over; I know it might erupt again any moment but I am thankful it was called off right now. I am thankful for my daughter return; scarred but unharmed. I am thankful for all these young men that their lives were spared; I am praying with all my heart for a peaceful solution to the conflict; the though of any one of them getting hurt is tearing my heart; I cannot bear to think that. I am thankful for my daughter's return and for the unbelievable woman she is.
Day 673 - Its after midnight once again and I am so tired I don't even have the energy to write. I spent few hours on the phone taking my first steps in tarot cards reading. We talked about the fool card, which is the beginning of the journey when one realizes that life as they are until that point are no longer satisfying; are not what the seeker needs, when one masters the strength and courage to start a journey of self discovery that will change her/his life for ever. It sounds silly but it is very deep and very interesting, the psychological meaning of the personal journey one has to take at some stage in his life in order to be free and to live in full awareness.I was there few years ago; I read the description of the card and I recognize myself in every step of the way. I was there, one day find the courage in me to stand up and say I want to get off this wagon; of not knowing where I'll end up but trusting it will be a better place. I am now so much better than I ever was because I finally embraced the questions and was ready to act in order to look for answers. All the things we covered tonight are so interesting and thought provoking, all so personal. It is so interesting to compare the mythology and the psychology of such journey to my personal story; to realize that I did not invented the wheel; that I followed a path so many took before. It makes me so proud to know I found in me this ancient wisdom and acted upon it, blindly maybe, but still took the right steps. I am so happy now I will add an awareness and understanding to these actions. I find it so invigorating to live in awareness, with understanding and purpose. I am dead tired right now. I'll talk about it more some other time.
I am thankful for this journey we embarked on. I am so thankful for this generous gift. I am thankful and full of anticipation for what awaits me behind the corner. I an thankful I can go to sleep now, apparently a diet of 3 hours a night is too lean for me. I am thankful for the cease fire; praying it will hold.
Day 672 - We met only once and yet somehow it feels so right, like old souls, as if we knew each other before. There wasn't the usual unease; a moment after we met we were already deep in serious conversation. Something I never experienced before and I sure enjoyed. We both felt the same and he told me today that he wants to give me a present - his tarot cards reading course, just because he feels I can benefit from it so much. I was overwhelmed. This is a serious commitment on his part many hours of coaching and yet he gives it to me for free, no strings attached. I know it might sound cheesy to the outsider, but i saw his eyes and I know he was honest and sincere. It is interesting to see in an adult man this level of optimism, of kindness of goodness. So much the things I was hoping I can find in a partner. I found yesterday the list I made last month of my "must have" and "nice to have" traits I want to see in a guy I am dating; luckily it was written so I cannot say that my mind is playing tricks on me. This guy possesses every single one of them even the "nice to...". So on paper it looks so right, now we have to see if it can actually work or is it, despite all the potential a flop. I have to admit, I really hope it is real and I am going to give it a chance. He sent me the first 3 chapters of his tarot course and we are going to talk over the phone about it in a few minutes. I am so excited about that. Reading the intro and talking to him yesterday taught me that there is much more to it than I first realized.
I am thankful for meeting this guy, for a great first date, for the promise. I am thankful, so thankful to him for this amazing gift he gave me of having a guide on my self discovery journey that I am going to embark on in a few minutes. I am thankful for psychological and philosophical journey, for the helping hand offered to me. I am thankful for the short talk with my daughter, for her love and compassion I am praying for her safety and the safety of the soldiers and the people of the south.
Day 671 - I feel almost guilty to write about things so trivial as dating and romance. Our children are along the border, the people of the south are in shelters for days on end; people are getting injured, houses and cars and crops damaged and I meet this guy to see if we like each other. But if we will let the terrorists completely disrupt our lives then they achieved their goal. And we can't allow that. A sorry excuse for a great day I guess, but this is what we did. It was indeed a very interesting day; a very unique one that involved finally meeting this guy I befriended in the past two weeks through long email and much longer phone calls. We went to the beach until it was too cold, we went to a restaurant and set there for five hours eating and especially talking. We talked about mysticism, tarot cards reading as well as down to earth things as hiking and biking adventures. But especially we talked about personal journey and growth. It was very interesting and I got some insight into my relationship with the universe and the gifts it bestows on me, a very intriguing topics indeed and the guy is so far in his personal journey that it left me feeling I would love to acquire this set of tools to be able to go along some of these windy and traitorous roads. We talked for more than twelve hours straight, and I still wanted to hear more, as well as to share more of my self-discoveries. It really felt good, like I found a twin soul; something that never happened to me before. I don't know yet if this is something that we can develop and build into an actual relationship, but I sure did not dismiss him as a frog right away, on the contrary I want to think I might have found my match. We will meet again this week, I hope and until then we can talk on the phone; he lives far from here, almost two hours away so we cannot meet everyday, but if it will become more than just a hope, we will have to find a solution to this problem.
I am thankful for an amazing day meeting such a nice and energetic guy yet so introspective and self aware. I am thankful for the opportunity this gives me to go through my own journey in a very awaken state. I am thankful for hours of the most interesting date I ever had and probably it will be hard to top. I don't write about my daughter, being there in the midst of the war, but I think of her all the time; thankful every time she calls; I am thankful she is well and unharmed. I pray for her safety and the safety of our troops.
Day 670 - Going to sleep so late as I did yesterday has it's down side. Even though I slept only 4 hours I still got to work only after 9 am. And so to make up the hours I had to stay late tonight and I could not go to my art class. Another sad fact is that I didn't have a chance to clean my house since I came back from Prague so, as I already missed my class, I started cleaning and organizing, putting stuff away. And then another hour long phone call with that guy, a call that seemed so short, and so I once again I find myself still awake way past midnight. It's a vicious cycle that I have to find a way to break. I am not tired but I sure don't sleep enough. I guess if he is a figment I will gain few hours every day to sleep instead of being on the phone. But right now, when my daughter and her friends are in the army and the voices talking about land operation are getting louder, I need this distraction; I cannot just sit here and worry sick. So I talked to my son for an hour, I talked to this guy, I cleaned, I came home late... and it is finally time to sleep. I hope to wake up tomorrow for news of a quiet night in the south, for no casualties and most of all to no land activity. I pray for a quick ending to this mini war and for the safety and well being of my daughter and all our soldiers.
I am thankful for a day that is coming to its end with no bad news for us. I am thankful for phone calls, for messages of concern from our friends here and abroad. I am thankful for chain of emails so interesting and challenging and stirring at times. I am thankful for possibilities, for dreams even in the eye of the storm. I am thankful I can sleep peacefully in my bed tonight; I thank our beloved daughters and sons, our soldiers, who are staying awake and alert day and night, enabling us to do that; to have relatively peaceful life here, in the midst of all the craze.
Day 669 - The war in the south is still going on but life here in the north is almost the same as usual. It is sad but a fact of life; some people are living right now in a nightmare and we are hiking or sitting in a cafe or just minding our little problems. Of course not really and one question will unveil the concern, the obsessive listening to the news. After all we all have kids in the army or in the reserve, and if not our kids then friend's or relatives; it is a country where military service is mandatory so it is really the people's army and we all share the burden and the concern. But still it is not so acute as in the south, but one degree removed. So few days ago I met a guy on a dating site and after a very interesting emails exchange while I was abroad we talked on the phone yesterday for the first time and it was so interesting, and natural and without realizing it we spent two hours on the phone. Today after I came back from a trip I took with my friends and taking care of some stuff at home we talked again and three and a half hours later and only because it was almost 2 am we decided to stop and call it a day. I never did something like that in my life so it is a very interesting experience. So we definitely passed each other's" interesting" test. Now comes the crucial test that nothing can predict its outcome - the chemistry test; only a face to face meeting will tell whether it is just another figment or is it something worth pursuing. It sounds good so far but I already learned that I'll know when we meet if it's a complete no, the rest of it will take time; I also learned not to build too many expectations, just to wait and see. But it sure helped distracting me from being worried sick about my daughter and her friends there in the line of fire.
I am thankful for meeting such a special guy; I hope that even if we don't work out as a couple we will stay friends. I am thankful for hours of day trip with my friends and later hours of phone conversation with this guy that helped me pass a day that was suppose to be a very difficult day for me. I am praying, like every day, for the safety of our soldiers for their safe and sound return. I pray for peace in this area of the world, torn by wars and hatred.
Day 668 - another day, another day laced with over hundred sirens in the south. Now that my daughter moved, all my family lives in the rocket range. A very disturbing thought indeed. But here in the north we feel nothing, I listen all day long to the radio, something I never do, to make sure I know what's going on there and so I can live, even if vicariously, the intensity of the bombardment since they announce all sirens on the radio. Still, as concerned as I am I met a friend for coffee, went to work for several hours, bought groceries, talked on the phone for several hours; all sounds so trivial but is something the people of the south can only dream about right now. And the most important of all I can take a shower, not afraid I will have to run for shelter in the middle, soaped and naked. And in a few minutes I can go and have a long and undisturbed sleep in my comfortable bed while they have to sleep yet another night cramped in the safe area on make shift beds with scared kids to try to calm down, not knowing how many times they'll wake up to the sirens sound and to the fall of rockets; hoping their houses will not suffer a hit. I feel guilty living my life like that when I know so many of my country people cannot; I am trying to figure out what I can do to help even a little to make their life a little more bearable, to let them know I care even if I don't suffer as they do.
I am thankful for my life, for another meaning for having a warm and inviting bed, for a roof over my head. I am thankful that in all these endless rockets attacks aimed blindly towards civilian targets no one was killed today. I am thankful, like everyone in my country right now for the rockets' defense system that is protecting the bigger cities in the south and help keeping the causalities to a minimum. I am praying, like every day now for the safety of our people civilians and soldiers; for restoring real peace in the region.
