Persistence of Time

Day 362 – It’s been a month and a half since we broke up and it's not easy for me to get back on the horse. There are good days and there are more challenging ones, but I feel the energy leak all the time. I am not back to myself yet, as much as I try. This weekend was very difficult and I am still getting over it. One thing for sure I should not stay home too much right now, it is not good. I have to go out and meet new people and not just stay home and be sad.

I keep telling myself that he was not right for me. Too serious and too busy and too… but I know that I say all that just to make me feel better, that if I only could I would stay in this relationship till my last breath on this earth. I know that I didn’t feel like that in many years, that maybe I will never feel like that again but I also know that it's over, he is gone and I have to finish the mourning period and get back with my life; but I guess I have to give myself some time to really close this chapter, kiss the memories goodbye and move on. Until then I will keep losing energy and feel drained and sad, so very sad. I don’t know why he left like that; was he scared, was it too difficult and confusing for him, maybe even painful to live on this double edge of present and past. Whatever the reason was it started as pure magic and ended with a serious heart break, much more than I thought possible after such a short time. It took me so many years to realize how much of an unfinished business it was for me. How strong is the power of first love; it is ingrained in me and I guess it will stay there until in one of our future lives we’ll make it right; I am so sad it will not be in this one. Good days and bad – the pendulum is still moving violently from side to side. How I long to a quiet moment, to the tranquility I had only few months ago.

  

I am thankful for every moment of happiness, for the magic of love for as long as it lasted. I am still on the low end of the tidal wave, and I am thankful for being there. It is only in these moments of pain and grief that we can realize our full potential; I am thankful I have the opportunity and the strength to go through the fire. And most important of all - I have to let time do what it does best, heal.